Its already started - Christmas Overwhelm - Mother

[FrozenLimeMargarita]

We go to my mother every four years, on rotation between inlaws, other family and one for ourselves. She moans every year we don't go. We could go more often as she would love it, but she makes Christmas so unpleasant, every time by ironically wanting it to be picture perfect.

We carefully agreed on a very simple menu at the beginning of the year to try and head the same old drama off at the pass - but I called today and it is out the window. We all just want to go up and enjoy her company. She didn't even need to cook - but she refused to be taken out and promised she will keep it low key.(she lives alone and likes her own space so won't travel, and will not come to us even if we go - she always wants us to go to her)

Suddenly she has three types of meat for the main, two starters and loads of side dishes. She making homemade pates in seven different flavours - in cute pots. Hand making Christmas decorations, printing menus out. She has baked puddings, pies, and cookies (there are only three of us!!) She has decided to do a cherry chocolate bombe on the day. Today she is making lemon curd, jams and chutneys. Planned to bake a German bread and have Bratwurst and homemade mulled wine at midnight. All of this sounds wonderful right - but actually, what happening is she is just getting frantic and winding herself up and is already complaining that shes running out of time and getting stressed already.

Yet gets irate if you point out its just not necessary - three people don't need a twelve pot selection of pates

and so it begins....

The creeping overwhelm where she wants it to be 'perfect' and gets herself so tightly wound up that by the time we get up there, she's in a foul mood, the tension is palpable and explodes as soon as one little thing doesn't go to plan. Then she starts to have a drink or two to 'calm down' or gets combative if you suggest not drinking, so it makes her go harder - then she gets overly emotional, distressed then angry.

If you watched that episode of 'The Bear' and were triggered - you know exactly what I mean.

Would it be unreasonable to just fake an illness

She is almost certainly an alcoholic because she can’t live with the pain and loneliness day in and day out. It’s probably keeping her alive right now.

Balderdash, OP has clearly stated that her DM has behaved in this way since OP was a child.
Both she and her brother recognized the behavior in the episode of the bear.

It was a coping strategy. Drinking alcohol is sometimes the only way a person can live with what has happened to them. Op said her mother had an awful childhood, it’s how she has survived. Continues to survive. Op also said her mother is absolutely lovely when she drops in unannounced. The whole thing is very sad.

Mother may have used alcohol as a coping strategy for her life but she didn't start drinking to manage her relationship with her children and loneliness she felt from it.

It seems far more likely that her drinking has helped to create the isolation that she now experiences.

Mother could also work on her flexibility and travel to have Christmas with others, etc.

She may have had a terrible childhood but that doesn't mean that her children have to accept her current behaviors without challenge.

You really must try harder lol never play all of your cards at once, you could have had people going for pages if you had paced yourself unless you were being serious lol genuinely can't tell these days

right, well if shes/its so shit, just say you wont go - what's the issue? Honestly, it sounds like you dont want to so...

No one has to accept any behaviour but some understanding wouldn’t harm.

Why are you so sad for her? OP has said:

She has managed to piss off everyone who ever loved her (including all her children but me and I stay mainly out of guilt) she can't keep friends very long because as she got older she seems to have lost the charm aspect of the narcissism that used to draw people in so they seem to see she's a CF much quicker.

She is a narcissistic alcoholic who makes OP's life a misery. She is lucky that OP still sees her.

Please visit her more often. And have her for Christmas the other years.

OP has said her mum won’t go to her for xmas!

She's alienated every single member of her family apart from the OP who feels sorry for her, but can only manage to spend Christmas with her mother every four years for her own sanity.

Can she come to you instead of you going to her?

Lots of sentimental fools here. Save your sad feelings for children who has had to grow up with these volatile alcoholics. OP’s mum could try to be bit more accommodating you know, it’s not all OP’s responsibility.

OP I symphatise. Thanks for mentioning The Bear, I’ll add it on my watch list.

Can she come to you instead of you going to her?

Please at least read all the OP's posts if you can't be bothered to read the whole thread.

Someone who can peel brussels is gold dust. Thanks for the offer!

Oh. Really?

Or people with empathy perhaps?

Attention seeker.
Grey rock.
You must know the pattern by now.
Low key / or you're staying home.

This ...and the update explains it all.
You're never win with an alcoholic- cut your loss - until she gets help AA , ALON , etc

Good on him / may need to take a leaf out his book.

It would be so helpful if you would actually read the OP properly as well as the OP's updates. She has said repeatedly that her mother refuses to come and stay with her at Christmas.

This
Op you say she's old and lonely and that's because she has driven everyone away with her vile behaviour -
Just reread the above.
It is a REASON but not an EXCUSE.
By excusing her , you enable her to keep up the abuse. And it is abuse.
Actions have consequences - I learnt this many years ago...

I get very out of patience with all this treacly nonsense about 'Oh, she's so old and lonely! Why don't you just have some empathy, like me?' Obviously some people have no idea what it's like to grow up with a toxic abusive parent.

I had two abusive parents, and can still see ops mother as a victim that nexts support and not harsh judgement.

I don't see 'harsh judgement' from the OP. I see someone who's dreading another tense, awful Christmas and is looking for advice on how to deal with it, not to be scolded on how she just needs to have more empathy.

Edit: typo

I can’t imagine only seeing my mum every 4th Christmas because she’s lovely. That’s not what OP is describing. It is sad that OP’s mum is a difficult alcoholic who has alienated the rest of her family. This is not OP’s responsibility to fix. Seeing her 1/4 Christmases is a kindness that she is not owed.

OP if you bring up disasters of the past, like the one you’ve described, does she have any insight? Can she acknowledge that the pressure leads to self/sabotage?