Its already started - Christmas Overwhelm - Mother

[FrozenLimeMargarita]

We go to my mother every four years, on rotation between inlaws, other family and one for ourselves. She moans every year we don't go. We could go more often as she would love it, but she makes Christmas so unpleasant, every time by ironically wanting it to be picture perfect.

We carefully agreed on a very simple menu at the beginning of the year to try and head the same old drama off at the pass - but I called today and it is out the window. We all just want to go up and enjoy her company. She didn't even need to cook - but she refused to be taken out and promised she will keep it low key.(she lives alone and likes her own space so won't travel, and will not come to us even if we go - she always wants us to go to her)

Suddenly she has three types of meat for the main, two starters and loads of side dishes. She making homemade pates in seven different flavours - in cute pots. Hand making Christmas decorations, printing menus out. She has baked puddings, pies, and cookies (there are only three of us!!) She has decided to do a cherry chocolate bombe on the day. Today she is making lemon curd, jams and chutneys. Planned to bake a German bread and have Bratwurst and homemade mulled wine at midnight. All of this sounds wonderful right - but actually, what happening is she is just getting frantic and winding herself up and is already complaining that shes running out of time and getting stressed already.

Yet gets irate if you point out its just not necessary - three people don't need a twelve pot selection of pates

and so it begins....

The creeping overwhelm where she wants it to be 'perfect' and gets herself so tightly wound up that by the time we get up there, she's in a foul mood, the tension is palpable and explodes as soon as one little thing doesn't go to plan. Then she starts to have a drink or two to 'calm down' or gets combative if you suggest not drinking, so it makes her go harder - then she gets overly emotional, distressed then angry.

If you watched that episode of 'The Bear' and were triggered - you know exactly what I mean.

Would it be unreasonable to just fake an illness

Post deleted: wrong thread. Sorry.

She started to cry that I was being 'critical' and 'I am just as bad' (that was corker of of a lie lol) I was 'ruining it for her'. She then decided not to listen repeatedly said just said 'she likes doing it'.

I don't know if it's possible. But could you say something like, "let's agree not to talk about the Christmas prep, mum. It's upsetting both of us." And then just exit any conversation about it. Really bright and cheerful, "oh mum I can't chat about this, love you, got to go" and hang up. Keep really happy-sounding and light, but enforce the boundary ruthlessly.

It works on my mum sometimes but yours sounds a little bit more...

@FrozenLimeMargarita

i can totally understand your frustration. I have a completely different situation, but it means Christmas is never the way I'd prefer it to be, but as an adult with no small children anymore, I give the day up to other people and just 'go with the flow' then have 'my' Christmas Day on a day of my Choosing.

Could you try to do that? I know it'll still mean going to your Mum's but at least it doesn't feel like it's ruined Christmas!

How old is your Mum??

as another poster has said, you'll miss her when she's gone 🥲

Why don't you just not go if you don't want to.

No one is forcing you to go.

I see that she says that you are as bad as her, when she goes to your house for Christmas.

That is almost exactly what I did @MrsTerryPratchett 😂(even down to the breezy love you, got to go)

Well, I used a work call. It does work a charm.

LOL. We should start a school for it.

@destiel00

Nope. That's really mean when she's gone to all this trouble & made a lot of food etc.

play along or next time ( if there is one, 4 years is a long time) say you're not going, don't lie at the 21yh hour, that's just nasty.

It's not a cultural celebration for everyone in the UK.

A lot of people in the UK don't even acknowledge Christmas. It's just another day of the week for them

I see the problem, what to do though is a very hard to answer!

What happens if you say "sounds great" and just let her get on with it? I mean it sounds like she will run herself ragged, but you can't stop her. The only thing you can do is change your reaction to it. Tey to remain calm and rather than reacting and trying to stop her.

You can keep repeating yourself (if you must, rudely, on someone else's thread) but it doesn't make you right.

Christmas is celebrated by the majority of people in the U.K. (of various religions & none) because it's a cultural/ traditional celebration in the U.K.

Must have missed that on a different thread then.

OP here is talking about her mother.

Perhaps you could make a kind of melt down bingo to play secretly to get you through the day?

No it's not.

You can't just say something that's not true in any way.

The UK is not a Christian majority country.

No other religion celebrates christmas

Sounds like someone I know and they enjoy the drama despite the moaning.

Let her get on with it, ignore the moaning or suggest you don't want to go and its obviously too much for her and that will hopefully shut her up.

Your mother is triggered by Christmas. By all the times it was really shit for her, the disappointment and the pain comes back every year, she doesn’t know why she has to go to such lengths - only that she is being driven to continue to try and find and offer you the perfect Christmas because she never had it op, and never will.

Then when something burns or goes wrong as inevitably it will, she feels desperate, out of control - there might not be another Christmas and this one has gone . So terribly wrong. The drinking is a coping strategy, the anger is instead of breaking down. She is in the throes of a meltdown because that is what Christmas does to your lovely mother. The pain runs too deep for her to override it, to separate herself and you from the past.

All of the losses, everyone that has died - the loss is acute and overwhelming for some.

You can arrive, and give her the biggest hug and thank her for seven weeks of effort and that you know she does it from a good place. As soon as you are there switch the wine to low alcohol discreetly or add water, lots of it, to spirits. Help her in the kitchen. Better still get her out of the kitchen and sat elsewhere whilst you finish and serve ( she may not let you) When you feel she is getting sad, remind her the best Christmases are the ones that go wrong!!!! Keep hugging.

Your poor mum is very damaged, and there is precious little you can do about it now. It’s cruel to pretend to be sick, but if you can add things into the day that will relieve the pressure. Failing all else - plan to leave early and drop in as a surprise in the new year when it’s all over,

"It's not a cultural celebration for everyone in the UK.

A lot of people in the UK don't even acknowledge Christmas. It's just another day of the week for them"

Stop gaslighting @Sandygoldenbeaches
The vast majority of the UK population celebrate Christmas.

Where are you just pulling out of thin air that

"Christmas is celebrated by the majority of people in the UK".

Loads of my friends don't celebrate Christmas. I have Muslim friends and Hindu friends. They don't celebrate Christmas at all.

All of Muslim and Hindu friends do celebrate Christmas yes 🤶🏻

That's bullshit.

I'm shocked that people could even write that

"The vast majority of the UK celebrate christmas"

It's so far from the truth. Do you wear Christian blinkers? There are huge amounts of people in the UK who don't celebrate Christmas.

It would be like writing "the vast majority of the UK are men"

In my workplace alone, there are lots of people who are not celebrating christmas

Its like talking to a five year old.

All Muslims celebrate Christmas?

Eh no they dont

Can you stop hijacking the thread. You can start your own about everyone that doesn’t celebrate Christmas or something.

What are you adding exactly?

Again, pointedly ignoring the unasked-for Christmas debate going on... I would ask others to also ignore - they can go make their own thread if they want to discuss.

Please.