SIL bitches about me being “fake” and a “snob” constantly

[Rhypo]

SIL has made it known to my fiancé and extended family members that she finds me to be fake. I’ve noticed that SIL (who is a few years younger than me) and her friends have a massive preoccupation with people who they deem to be two faced. In their social group the worst thing you can be is fake.

SIL and I were raised slightly differently. I went to an all girls school and couldn’t just act out every impulse. It’s funny because I actually admire people who aren’t repressed with the same hang ups as me. Genuinely.

I grew up with an abusive and narcissistic mother who would literally go to the sea and threaten suicide to get her own way. So I am a massive people pleaser. I’m not reserved out of choice it literally is a coping mechanism. I have many close friendships. It’s obvious to most I am quite emotionally unavailable at first but definitely kind and thoughtful. Once I feel safe I open up massively. I just have never felt safe with SIL.

But SIL has pigeon holded me despite fiancé trying his best to explain. I went to a private school for primary but was pulled out as my dad’s business went under. I’m an only child so, yes, you do have to have privilege to attend a private school but I lived a very normal upbringing - camping holidays (went abroad maybe 2/3 times as a kid), terraced house etc.

it’s causing me to have a bit of an identity crisis. I’ve done so much therapy and have accepted who I am and understand why I act the way I do. But SIL is throwing a huge spotlight on me and I just don’t know what to do.

I’ve written sil a letter explaining my past and got no reply!

Why can't you just have no communication or contact with her apart from a few family occasions? Even at those you can be polite but distant.

So what if she thinks whatever about you. Its what her brother thinks and feels that counts, nobody else.

As for writing her an explanatory letter - I'm rather astounded that you overshared like that!
Rather weird to do such a thing. Best say no more about it.

This sounds hard for you. I know it's a complicated situation, that you probably feel outnumbered and have longer-term self-confidence issue, but do try to stand your ground. You do not have to justify yourself for your social and educational background, and your husband should not let himself get dragged into trying to please your SIL. Stand your ground, be yourself; the more you expose yourself as vulnerable and insecure, the more aggressive she will be.

I had a SIL who bullied me from the first time I met her, horrible person and the comments were always "well you know what she's like" amongst family. The best thing I did was nothing, don't react, you have nothing to prove and just be polite when you come across her. She sounds pathetic

You're a grown adult. What difference does it make if you went to private primary school or not? Why would anyone care or need to know. Stop trying to justify your existence to someone who's clearly a bitch. She's decided she doesn't like you for whatever reasons and you should just ignore her. Not everyone has to like you. Why do you even need her to like you? She sounds utterly horrible. Please just don't speak to her anymore.
I'm so sorry you've had a bad childhood. But the past is just that. I hope you can seek counselling to work on your self esteem. You were not put on this earth to 'impress' people like your SIL.

You don’t really need to do anything. You haven’t warmed to each other and maybe SIL feels that you’ve been stand off ish with her. You admit you don’t find her your type of person so just keep it polite.

Unless there’s more to it I find it odd you sent a letter explaining your history. That sounds a bit OTT to me

She sounds like a nightmare. Why does she think she gets to rate everyone’s personality. You have done more than enough to build a bridge between you. I’d distance myself. I’d expect backup from DF to allow you not to have to see her often.

You should have a think about why you felt the need to send her a letter.

I am sure you are a lovely person - I hope you come to know this and really believe it, because when you do it will become much easier to forget about the people who decide to take against you for no good reason.

SIL sounds like a domineering bully. Accusing you of being “fake” isn’t a real complaint. Its not something you need to rebut or argue. Its just the form her bullying takes. Go back to therapy and ask for help dealing with toxic people. She is just another version of your mother and other bullies you have known. She is triggering your “fawn” reflex, your trauma response to a hostile, controlling, person or a dangerous social situation.

Why on earth does it matter what your SIL thinks? I have five SILs, and, if asked, their opinions of me would probably range from ‘Quite nice, really’ through ‘A bit closed off but nice enough’ to ‘Not like the rest of us — she went to Oxford, you know’ to ‘Far too work-focused’ to ‘I’ve never understood her and DB only having one child by choice’.

I’m fond of most of them, but I can’t say I’ve ever given a second thought to their opinions of my personality, far less had an identity crisis because I’m not their type (which I’m absolutely not).

Why are you having anything to do with her? Writing a letter will have just made you seem weird unfortunately, just ignore the woman

I would probably ask her infront of people ‘is there a problem?’ Put her on the spot.

You don’t need to explain or justify yourself to anyone, and your SIL doesn’t have to like you. This is obviously easier said than done, if you have people pleasing tendencies, but stop giving so much of a shit. It really doesn’t matter.

Maybe the letter was over the top and a symptom of my people pleasing ways.

It came after an evening out with fiancé’s cousin and his wife. At the end of the night I was told “we were worried about tonight because X (SIL) told us you were a stuck up cow but we had a great time”.

Fiancé is close to his family and I must have found myself being told something similar to above at least 5 times!

Why do you need her to like and approve of you? She’s not worried about you liking her, is she? So why do you need to give a fuck?

She sounds immature and insecure - the sort of person who has to put other people down in order to bolster their own self-importance.
You're not going to change her way of thinking. Convince yourself that it doesn't matter what she thinks. You are you - stop apologising for who you are, because she will see this as a weakness. Believe me, I understand! My DM was an awfully judgemental and overbearing person and it took me until my 50s to realise I wasn't going to change her mind or ever be good enough. But anyway, put your armour on and hold your head high! Her opinion doesn't matter.

They all sound a bit dim if they tell you that someone has told them you're a stuck-up cow; that's information you don't need to know.
It's intentionally cruel to tell you that.

That's also an incredibly shitty thing of your financés cousin to say. Sounds like a bit of a backhanded compliment - what purpose is there to letting you know someone else speaks negatively of you?

They all sound a delightful bunch...

Oh I despise shit-stirrers like that. I have a colleague who is going around telling everybody who she encounters, that I'm just a horrible person. Trouble is though that I'm not, and she only makes herself look bad. And same here - ignore her, she's clearly a nasty person with a chip on her shoulder. Let people come to their own conclusions.

Your SiL and her friends sound very immature and rather silly. They will have dissected your letter and used it to ridicule you further. Don't ever make yourself vulnerable to someone who you already know doesn't respect you in that way again.

The problem isn't your SiL here, the problem is your people pleasing. Focus on improving your self-esteem and personal boundaries and let her be whomever she wants to be.

I could go no contact but fiancé’s family have a really lovely informal style. It’s unlike anything I’ve experienced. People randomly drop into each others houses, come round for dinner last minute, meet up at the local a few times each week (cousins, Aunts and Uncles included).

I don’t want to be the outsider causing trouble and disrupting this.

you don't have to go no contact with everybody - you just don't need to jump through hoops to get SIL to like you.

You sound like a wonderful person op, who has done very well considering the mother you have. She herself is a snob, judgemental, and wrong about you. Being reserved isn't the same as being two faced.

You don’t need to, but then you don’t need to go out of your way to engage with her either. You don’t need her approval or her friendship.

You don't need to go no contact or do anything dramatic at all. Just be yourself, hang out with the people you come into contact with, and let life unfold. As the family members get to know you, they will get to know who you really are. Even SiL might unclench a bit.

There's nothing to do. You and your SiL don't like each other. It happens. So what.

Nobody should be repeating this shit to you, so if anyone brings it up again, tell them you don't need to hear it. Otherwise, get on with your life.