SIL bitches about me being “fake” and a “snob” constantly

[Rhypo]

SIL has made it known to my fiancé and extended family members that she finds me to be fake. I’ve noticed that SIL (who is a few years younger than me) and her friends have a massive preoccupation with people who they deem to be two faced. In their social group the worst thing you can be is fake.

SIL and I were raised slightly differently. I went to an all girls school and couldn’t just act out every impulse. It’s funny because I actually admire people who aren’t repressed with the same hang ups as me. Genuinely.

I grew up with an abusive and narcissistic mother who would literally go to the sea and threaten suicide to get her own way. So I am a massive people pleaser. I’m not reserved out of choice it literally is a coping mechanism. I have many close friendships. It’s obvious to most I am quite emotionally unavailable at first but definitely kind and thoughtful. Once I feel safe I open up massively. I just have never felt safe with SIL.

But SIL has pigeon holded me despite fiancé trying his best to explain. I went to a private school for primary but was pulled out as my dad’s business went under. I’m an only child so, yes, you do have to have privilege to attend a private school but I lived a very normal upbringing - camping holidays (went abroad maybe 2/3 times as a kid), terraced house etc.

it’s causing me to have a bit of an identity crisis. I’ve done so much therapy and have accepted who I am and understand why I act the way I do. But SIL is throwing a huge spotlight on me and I just don’t know what to do.

I’ve written sil a letter explaining my past and got no reply!

What kind of behaviours have you been showing that had lead your SIL to believe you are fake? Also what does going to private school have to do with it? Does she think you are lying about being posh/ rich/ privileged or something?

Sorry I'm not really understanding what's happened for you both to get to this point.

It was really weird of your fiancé’s cousin to tell you SIL said you were a stuck up cow - how are you meant to respond to that?

She doesn’t like you, there’s nothing you can do about it, so just carry on being polite and friendly and everyone else will see that she’s the one with the problem not you. She is your boyfriend’s sister, she doesn’t need to be your bestest buddy.

I heard a saying recently, "What other people think of you is none of your business." It initially sounded a bit harsh, but when you think about it, it's actually quite liberating.

I'd be more worried about the people who told you that she had said you were stuck up. If someone shares a poor opinion like that then passing it on is just rude. What were they trying to achieve?

There are some people who can't get through life without some drama in it, and "enemies" are required for this self-written soap opera. She's obviously one of them. That's on her, but your fiance needs to help you by avoiding unnecessary family social situations which give this woman a chance to bully you. Sometimes if you put small children together they eventually make friends even if they didn't like each other at first, but this is different - an adult who has made a conscious choice to dislike you.

My SIL when we were in our 20s was pretty unpleasant. I think she was lonely and jealous and with her single friends it came across as unpleasant.
In her 30s she was awful.
40s finally married with kids seemed to have mellowed and I wasn't a target.
Just got into our 50s and she's back to her old tricks again. .
It's been a long time coming but her teen daughter was discussing stuff and it was appropriate to say ' your mum and I haven't always got on'. My SIL was actually really surprised, it wasn't a side of her she wanted voiced.
You truely can just marry hour husband not his family, don't take them on. Don't get weighed down with their emotional energy.

She’s a right charmer, isn’t she!

You were unreasonable to write a letter. That gives the impression that you have to apologise for who you are, and will give her more ‘ammunition’ about you.

You should also think about why you care so much. Like a previous poster, I’m not bothered about what my SILs or BILs think of me - as long as we can get along when we see each other, that’s fine. I think some things they’ve done are odd, and they probably think some things I do are odd, but it doesn’t matter.

From your descriptions, it should have been clear to you early on that you and SIL (and her friends) were not your type of people, and there was no need to try to strike up a friendship. Especially after the first time you found she had told people you were a ‘stuck up cow’. The rest of the family sound like shit-stirrers to mention it as well - I’d suggest you distance yourself from them all. How does your DH react - does he defend you?

I expect OP is nicely-spoken or just not a fishwife, and SIL feels shown up. Some people are just like that - my cousins on my dad’s side of the family thought that anyone who lived south of Nottingham was “posh and stuck up” based on absolutely nothing at all beyond not having a Barnsley accent

Maybe stop worrying that SIL seems not to like you and look inside to decide whether you , in fact, actually like her or not.

She may be, quite rightly, picking up on the fact that you, deep down (and also quite rightly) find her a bit of a twit.

You are as entitled to your opinion as she is to hers.

YABU to send her a letter to explain yourself. You don't need to. You are fine as you are.

You can't be everyone's cup of tea and trying to be will grind you down. Accept that, and you'll find life a lot easier.

Just shut people down firmly and tell them you’re not interested in what SIL thinks. Writing her a letter was a crazy move — why are you made so uncomfortable by someone disliking you that you wrote her a letter to make her change her mind!??

There will always be someone who dislikes you. It’s not your issue. Tell other people to stop running to you with tales. If she’s rude in person, deal with it there and then. No need for an identity crisis!

Btw I voted YABU because YABU to pay so much heed to her opinion and to have written the letter.

Do you like everyone in the world? No. People are going to not like you. That's okay. Their opinion of you is none of your business.

I wouldn't be making any effort to accommodate or explain myself to someone who describes me as a "stuck up cow" to others, but have realised that the nicer you are to such people, the worse you will be treated.

I may have clicked YABU by accident because I think YA NOT BU
Limit contact, grey rock her, get a few key phrases and use them on her relentlessly
"To each their own"
"Different strokes for different folks"
" The world would be boring if we were all the same"
And say that phrase every single time she expresses an opinion on you

Why assume that they both did something to get to that point? The SIL can just be a mean girl snd shit talker. Happens all the time.

OP your SIL sounds as though she's emotionally stuck at the age of about 15, calling people 'stuck up' and 'fake' is behaviour I would expect from an inadequately socialised teenager rather than a grown woman.

His family sound absolutely ghastly.
Its not you.
Only stupid people tell you that they heard awful things about you, but you are lovely.🙄.
Strongly recommend you re think this decision.
Focus instead on your people pleasing problem.
It will hugely hamper your future happiness in so many ways.

Not too long ago I said a really non-sophisticated word, I forget what exactly. Something like “it was horrendous”. And SIL in front everyone mocks me along the lines of “oh horrendous, was it?”. Everyone ignored her - luckily there were loads of people having loud conversations in a relatively small space but I just felt so picked on. I just can’t believe how immature she is.

She really has a bee in her bonnet that I am posh. I am a million miles away from Made in Chelsea. I just can’t win cause I was considered the poor girl when I went to a private school. I went to school on the bus with my gran because my parents had to go to work early. And I was picked on for that. It’s so exhausting.

Yes: this should be a wake up call. You need more work on yourself because his family sound very different from yours, and that must be nice, but they are clearly very enmeshed and clannish too and share their opinions with/are influenced by SIL rather than forming their own. You are going to have to fight your corner. Your future husband needs to be fighting for you too. You shouldn’t have to be begging or dancing for any cousin’s approval.

I think you are better than her

don’t worry about the letter - that’s done now and cannot be undone so move on

just avoid events where you have to be with her. My sil made awful comments about me at the start and al these years later I smile and engage minimally - I know she has said to my dh that she must have done something (this was not said directly but via his mum years ago) and no one said a thing. So grey rock I suppose

don’t engage at all - don’t mix with them

This sounds awful to me 😬 in-laws appearing at my front door on a regular basis. Christ. My SIL (wife of DH'S brother) is snooty and bitchy to me, but in the tilty head giggly way. I feel no need to be friends with her, get her approval for who I am. I couldn't cope with her popping round every other day though.

Your DH needs to take this on. He surely can't be standing by while his sister insults you on a regular basis?

She sounds jealous for some odd reason. It's deeply childish nasty behaviour to keep pecking at you like that. Why is your fiancé not telling her to STFU ?

OP this is simple.

SIL is a cunt. Don't try to appease or please her. Just keep minimal contact with her. She doesn't deserve your time.

This sounds very harsh and nasty, but in time you will realise that it's true and that it's the right course of action.

Be careful about their possible lack of boundaries though. I also grew up with a similar sounding mum to yours and I understand how that affects you through life. I too cherished a close knit environment that I saw with in laws but learned to be cautious. (Because they could be bullying).

I'm not saying that the OP has done anything wrong but I'm just trying to find out if there was a specific interaction(s) that has lead SIL to believe she is fake. I get some people are nasty for no reason but fake is quite a specific insult that suggests something happened between the two of them whether the OP is at fault or not.

Oh clannish is a good word. I personally have enjoyed the large network of cousins and aunts/uncles, neighbours popping in etc. VERY different to my family.