SIL bitches about me being “fake” and a “snob” constantly

[Rhypo]

SIL has made it known to my fiancé and extended family members that she finds me to be fake. I’ve noticed that SIL (who is a few years younger than me) and her friends have a massive preoccupation with people who they deem to be two faced. In their social group the worst thing you can be is fake.

SIL and I were raised slightly differently. I went to an all girls school and couldn’t just act out every impulse. It’s funny because I actually admire people who aren’t repressed with the same hang ups as me. Genuinely.

I grew up with an abusive and narcissistic mother who would literally go to the sea and threaten suicide to get her own way. So I am a massive people pleaser. I’m not reserved out of choice it literally is a coping mechanism. I have many close friendships. It’s obvious to most I am quite emotionally unavailable at first but definitely kind and thoughtful. Once I feel safe I open up massively. I just have never felt safe with SIL.

But SIL has pigeon holded me despite fiancé trying his best to explain. I went to a private school for primary but was pulled out as my dad’s business went under. I’m an only child so, yes, you do have to have privilege to attend a private school but I lived a very normal upbringing - camping holidays (went abroad maybe 2/3 times as a kid), terraced house etc.

it’s causing me to have a bit of an identity crisis. I’ve done so much therapy and have accepted who I am and understand why I act the way I do. But SIL is throwing a huge spotlight on me and I just don’t know what to do.

I’ve written sil a letter explaining my past and got no reply!

I think your fiancé should have stood up for you long before now and had strong words with his sister. Why do you think he hasn’t? That would bother me.
Shes a bully and bully’s need pulled up on their attitude.

The self-confidence thing and wanting to be liked op, I'm totally with you on and I think you'd be surprised how many people feel the same way. You might be at the limit of your control over how it makes you feel. But you can change how much you accept of something that makes you feel crap.
It sounds like you're spending a lot of your time around her or people who remind you of how SIL feels about you. Maybe the key is to balance that out - less time with the bully and shit stirrers, more with decent people who do like and care about you.
Does your partner know how much this is upsetting you? If he does, I would be questioning why he's not sticking up for you of his own accord. You shouldn't have to ask him to. I would not allow anyone to speak of my loved ones badly and say nothing.
Finally, don't be scared to stand up for yourself. If that causes a rift with family, so be it. It's her that's created this problem, not you. Either your partner will step up and prioritise your relationship, or he won't. But do you really want a relationship with someone who is happy to see you bullied and gossiped about for an easy life?

It came after an evening out with fiancé’s cousin and his wife. At the end of the night I was told “we were worried about tonight because X (SIL) told us you were a stuck up cow but we had a great time”

Well on a positive note, it's good that they enjoyed your company. On a negative though, how fucking dare they say that to you!

You and your fiance need to stop apologising for you. Your upbringing is what it is. No need to apologise to anyone for speaking well, or doing well. Your SIL apparently doesn't feel the need to apologise for her limited vocabulary and immature outlook. I wonder what the family really think of her.

How's your relationship with your future MIL and FIL? Are they similarly toxic, or are they more grounded? Beware of letting this family trample your boundaries. You don't have to be available for them to 'drop in on' unannounced whenever they feel like it.

Get on with your life. Try to stop caring so much about other people's opinions of you. You can't be liked by everyone.

I used to be a people pleaser too. I had to force myself to stop because I realised people only get worse if you don't speak up about things. They are never going to feel bad about what they are doing and stop on their own.

She might be jealous that you are taking her brother away, jealous he found a partner, but she probably won't change.

I think that whatever you do, it won’t be enough for SIL and she’ll just move on to the next thing. Let her have this one, you know she’s wrong, every time someone meets you they’ll know she’s wrong. Let her crack on making herself look a dick. That is all she is doing.

'Takes one to know one' is a useful sentence when she kicks off. about being 'fake'.

If she actually calls you a snob to your face the 'Thank you, you're very kind, one does like to maintain standards' is another useful reply.

People like her find it very hard to cope with someone who doesn't respond as they're expecting it blows their tiny minds.
Passive aggression is always the best sort when dealing with people like this.

Do not engage, do not explain EVER. Having dealt with this, I now ignore the bitch, she is sooo not worth it. It means minimal contact but hey who gives fuck.
Be overly nice to her when you do encounter, confuses the dumb bitch no end, and make sure your husband defends you otherwise go about your business.

She sounds incredibly nasty and whatever she says to your face, anyone who would carry her comments back to you is not your friend and does not have your back.

Family relationships are difficult, particularly at the stage where in-laws are joining the family because there’s a necessary closeness before there’s any real depth of intimacy built up. You don’t have to like or admire people but you can be a grown up and try and rub along.

That’s not people pleasing, and it’s not being fake. It’s having manners, and consideration and basic decency. And yes, you may have some people pleasing tendencies (most nice people do) and need firmer boundaries but honest to God if someone in this dynamic needs to change it’s not you.

What she’s doing is queen bee, mean girl bullying and I’d take a careful look at the family dynamics you’re getting in with. Is this really an environment you want to expose yourself to? Imagine having dc and then watching this woman tear you down?

If I were your finance I’d be going nuclear on them for fear of you waking up and walking away. I wouldn’t let anyone in my family mistreat either my dh or my dc.

Don’t try and come down to her level. Raise your standards. You deserve far, far better.

Apologies, I wasn’t very clear in communicating what I meant. What I should have typed is that I really filter what I say and do depending on context. My primary school was extremely old fashioned. There was a massive emphasis on manners - our assemblies actually taught table manners. Even in the 00s we were made to stand when a teacher came in. This in combination with my childhood taught me to be very considered in all my interactions. ‘Talking back’ was the worst thing I could ever do in my parents eyes. I just had to take being screamed at. SIL literally just speaks her mind. I honestly admire that trait. As I fear judgement for having any view that may be contrary. I put this down to her family environment and possibly less strict schooling.

Why do you have to explain yourself or your past ? You make yourself sound guilty of something awful.
When it just sounds like she is a bit of a dick .
Just limit contact with her whenever you can. Do not go out of your way to speak /see or communicate with her.
Do not talk about her with your dp or his family.
Just ignore and do not stress about it.
No matter what you do you probably won't change her mind or how she treats you. She already bad mouths you to others . What else can she now do?

I would have also been really shocked at anyone being so rude in sharing the cow comment prior to meeting fiancé’s family. But knowing the family now, sharing the unpleasant comment is right on brand. Especially as we had been on a night out. This family is extremely candid and brutally honest. I don’t usually have a problem with this.

You're not making them sound good!

There's a heck of a long way between hardly saying anything for fear of offending & being a rude gobshite with no filter!

Honestly OP, you need to start running fast and far.

I’m another one who thinks that this is the wrong family for you to marry into. The absolute minimum you should expect from your fiance and his family is respect and kindness at all times.

There’s nothing good about your future SIL ‘speaking her mind’ aka being an utter bitch. Bullying and nastiness is horrible to endure and I’m amazed that your fiancé didn’t defend you as soon as his sister opened her poisonous gob.

Please think carefully about how this family behave and how they make you feel. You deserve much better than this.

Your SIL is a bully- look at how she spoke about you to your fiancés cousins. She is showing zero respect for you or your relationship with your fiancé.

you sound like a nice person OP - you don’t have to be emotionally available to every person you meet. You are allowed to not share everything until you have figured out what type of person they are and if you want to form a closer relationship with them. As long as you are friendly and respectful there’s no harm in that.

i think SIL would have been like this with any potential partner of her sibling unless they were exactly like her (and even then she would have found fault with them). Is she the only girl in the family - are there any sisters? If she is I’d say she’s feeling threatened by another woman coming in and her not being the princess anymore ( I say this from experience of my own awful SIL).

you really didn’t need to write her that letter - you owe her no explanation. Just be friendly and polite and you fiancé needs to have words with his sister about how she’s treating you is unacceptable - especially saying horrible things about you to family
members.

I really relate to this, you sound quite similar to me OP. My self confidence is okay but I’m quite shy and come across reserved at first until I warm up with people. DHs family are the opposite and I’ve had some issues with his sister.

The difference is though, DH stuck up for me. He shouldn’t be letting his sister be making you feel this bad, writing her a letter sounds a bit extreme. He should have nipped all this in the bud a long time ago. Can you talk to him again about it, maybe show him this thread?

"Right on brand"?

You mean dog rough don't you?
The "say it like it is crew"...aka....dog rough, uncouth, no manners, no breeding, dragged up, no filter, and it's a YOU problem if you take offence to any of the calling a spade a spade bile that pours from them.

OP, do not marry into such a family, you will bitterly regret it.
Both your weak, wet, spineless fiancée that allows you to be bullied, and his family who deem such behaviour their norm.

This family is extremely candid and brutally honest. I don’t usually have a problem with this.

It really doesn't sound like you're a good fit with this family.

OP let me get personal. Why are you engaged to your fiance? Do you love him? Truly? Are you afraid no-one else will ever want you? Are you grateful he's interested enough to propose?

I can see that superficially his family seem like the fun, spontaneous crowd you didn't have and that it's appealing. But don't let that blind you to the the fact that their good qualities also have their downsides - they're two sides of the same coin.

The other thing I'd say (and no this doesn't mean I hate you 💐) is that you are badly damaged by your mother and your childhood. For the whole of your life so far they have taken away the real you. In response to your mother you have changed your behaviour, your social interactions and your personality. But the person you would have been in different circumstances is still in there, even if she's hidden at the back of your brain in a dusty black box that hasn't been opened for years. Use therapy to unlock the box.

Your mother has taken away so much of your life so far. Please don't let her have the rest of it too.

OP, my initial thoughts when i read your OP was 'is this the right family/environment for you?'

Being in an environment where it negatively affects your self-esteem/confidence is not really great for you. I don't think this family is suited to you.

You may like how the family are in their ways now because it is different to your upbringing and you admire certain characteristics they have. Your liking the way they are seems to come from things you do not like in yourself.

I feel if you were to have more confidence in your personality and more self-love, you may not feel quite the same. You need to work on the people pleasing but your personality comes across quite lovely. Do not let them convince you or make you feel there is something wrong with your personality.

Try to keep reminding yourself that your SiL's opinion is just that, it's not a fact and doesn't become factual just because she shares it freely. Lots of your fiancé's family have told you they like you and that you are nothing like the person she describes. Enjoy your interactions with them and just keep on being yourself.