SIL bitches about me being “fake” and a “snob” constantly

[Rhypo]

SIL has made it known to my fiancé and extended family members that she finds me to be fake. I’ve noticed that SIL (who is a few years younger than me) and her friends have a massive preoccupation with people who they deem to be two faced. In their social group the worst thing you can be is fake.

SIL and I were raised slightly differently. I went to an all girls school and couldn’t just act out every impulse. It’s funny because I actually admire people who aren’t repressed with the same hang ups as me. Genuinely.

I grew up with an abusive and narcissistic mother who would literally go to the sea and threaten suicide to get her own way. So I am a massive people pleaser. I’m not reserved out of choice it literally is a coping mechanism. I have many close friendships. It’s obvious to most I am quite emotionally unavailable at first but definitely kind and thoughtful. Once I feel safe I open up massively. I just have never felt safe with SIL.

But SIL has pigeon holded me despite fiancé trying his best to explain. I went to a private school for primary but was pulled out as my dad’s business went under. I’m an only child so, yes, you do have to have privilege to attend a private school but I lived a very normal upbringing - camping holidays (went abroad maybe 2/3 times as a kid), terraced house etc.

it’s causing me to have a bit of an identity crisis. I’ve done so much therapy and have accepted who I am and understand why I act the way I do. But SIL is throwing a huge spotlight on me and I just don’t know what to do.

I’ve written sil a letter explaining my past and got no reply!

Your SIL sounds dreadful.
Rise above it... if your fiancee is worth it...but be aware you're going to be marrying her as well.
I have a difficult FIL. Things eventually got better but we will never be close.

The family are shit stirring

Next time, say "I think it would have been kinder if you'd kept that to yourself"

Or, "I'm aware Jenny's not keen on me. I don't really need to hear it from other people"

This is great advice. Especially to us with people pleasing tendancies.....the instant we sense that someone doesnt like us we should drop the rope/become indiffernt/put in distance - rather than follow the impulse to chase and cajole these types.......because 'normal' nice people would never leave someone with the sense that they were disliked.

It is a shame that her friends are so easily influenced as to believe her opinion of you, rather than getting to know you themselves and forming their own opinions. Just be yourself OP and try not to let her bother you.

I was thinking the same. A clannish family who live in each other's pockets and speak their minds without restraint or any filter all over the place... I wouldn't fancy marrying into that at all.

I think you need to start just ignoring her rubbish. She is the one with the problem.

If she takes the Mickey just look straight at her with a raised eyebrow OR just ignore her like everyone else did

She tells people you are standoffish ...just shrug your shoulders and say " Yea we had a great time didnt we"

Stop trying to explain yourself to this rather unpleasant, clearly attention seeking and needy woman. All that matters is that your fiance loves you and you love him!

To be honest, I'd say you're better off without her, but I understand where you're coming from with not wanting to rock the boat. So long as it all stays civil at family gatherings etc, I'd leave things alone.

SIL is basically a bully. And she no doubt revels in her position of gobby judge and jury. Your letter would have been seen as a weakness by her. Look, you're a nice person, you don't hurt people, you're doing the best you can. But, you owe this person nothing. No explanation, no response, no breath from your body. Don't feed the animals. Focus on you and have a great life. This refusal to engage is actually a sign of strength and as more of the family get to know you, you'll develop ties and loyalties, further squeezing out ridiculous SIL and her childish comments

It dawned on me years ago that not everyone has to like us.
Try not to let it bother you and just be civil when you need to be and don't give her a second thought.

This sounds hard but I’m struggling with why yoire both so hung up on your primary education, secondary id get maybe, but not primary, when you also grew up in a terrace house, camping hols, a very working or Lower middle class upbringing. But the primary education seems to loom large over what was the ultimate reality of your child hood.

do you understand why, it’s so big for either one of you, and jointly?

I think this is a sibling issue and not actually about you . My husband has a family who don't "like me " but it was more about them than anything about me , soo a few years back I removed myself from being in their company..they found themselves in a situation where their brother also made the same decision some time later , its soo much more peaceful...

Put her in a box and tape it up. You don't have to be her friend just because you are engaged to her brother. She sounds very insecure and you are pandering to her. Just ignore her and her friends they do not control you or your life. Wouldn't let any of it invade my space. Next time a comment is made turn it around laugh and say whatever.

You owe no explanation to your immature, judgemental and overconfident SIL. If anything, she should apologise to you but she won't as likes of her do not see anything wrong in themselves, too busy judging others.
Problem is not with you but your SIL. Hope your fiance tells his sister he won't tolerate her disrespecting you.

@Rhypo you don't need to explain yourself to her.
This horrid behaviour is more a reflection of her, not you.
You don't need to change

@Rhypo “we were worried about tonight because X (SIL) told us you were a stuck up cow but we had a great time”

What a horrible, horrible thing for them to say to you. They sound as bad as SIL

You are not at fault of anything other than using the term Pigeon hold. You mean to be put into a pigeon hole, ie.categorised as something unfairly, pigeonholed not 'pigeon hold' you aren't being accused of physically holding pigeons

She's a bully and had sniffed your weakness. If you want her to stop, you're going to have to find some inner strength. I don't think your core self is a people pleaser. You must have felt incredibly unsafe as a child to suppress your natural self defence mechanisms, it must have been safer to fawn (do look up the flight, fight, freeze, fawn response if you are unfamiliar). If you can afford to go back to therapy to help you gently connect with your inner strength you might want to consider it. Good luck 👍

Not sure if the other family members are trying to be nice or stir things up by telling you his sister has been bad-mouthing you behind your back. If they do make these unsolicited comments then just acknowledge that you cannot understand why she tells people these things and leave it at that. When forced to be in her company be polite and reasonably friendly - otherwise any other family members present may be forced to agree with her. She'll soon make herself look vindictive and spiteful.

Tell her you sent the letter in a weak moment but now regret it because actually" I don't have too explain my life history too you or anyone" sounds like jealously tbh, very childish behaviour!

Have you thought about a life coach? I have narcissistic mother and I often get thrown in to an identity crisis when someone doesn't like me or when my mother inserts herself back in my life. I got a life coach and did a lot of work on boundaries and people pleasing it really helped When I find myself slipping into old habits I go over some of the actions I took before.