SIL bitches about me being “fake” and a “snob” constantly

[Rhypo]

SIL has made it known to my fiancé and extended family members that she finds me to be fake. I’ve noticed that SIL (who is a few years younger than me) and her friends have a massive preoccupation with people who they deem to be two faced. In their social group the worst thing you can be is fake.

SIL and I were raised slightly differently. I went to an all girls school and couldn’t just act out every impulse. It’s funny because I actually admire people who aren’t repressed with the same hang ups as me. Genuinely.

I grew up with an abusive and narcissistic mother who would literally go to the sea and threaten suicide to get her own way. So I am a massive people pleaser. I’m not reserved out of choice it literally is a coping mechanism. I have many close friendships. It’s obvious to most I am quite emotionally unavailable at first but definitely kind and thoughtful. Once I feel safe I open up massively. I just have never felt safe with SIL.

But SIL has pigeon holded me despite fiancé trying his best to explain. I went to a private school for primary but was pulled out as my dad’s business went under. I’m an only child so, yes, you do have to have privilege to attend a private school but I lived a very normal upbringing - camping holidays (went abroad maybe 2/3 times as a kid), terraced house etc.

it’s causing me to have a bit of an identity crisis. I’ve done so much therapy and have accepted who I am and understand why I act the way I do. But SIL is throwing a huge spotlight on me and I just don’t know what to do.

I’ve written sil a letter explaining my past and got no reply!

I think you need to have it out with her!. Tell her to keep your name out of her motherf#*#ing mouth!. Sometimes you need to be brutal!. She has no right to go about maligning you!

Next time someone says 'oh SIL told us you were awful', look a bit sad and say 'A lot of Partner's family have said that to me now. She must really hate me'. Let the awkwardness come back to them. Why are they saying that sort of thing to you anyway?!

Interesting that the worst thing you can be in her eyes is 'fake'. In my opinion, you don't get much more fake than a person who continuously and repeatedly puts others down in order to prop up their own confidence and sense of self.
Her behavior says everything about who she is as a person and nothing about you. Unfortunately your past means that you are vulnerable to being made to feel so so awful by her behavior.

Don't write to the nasty cow again, in fact avoid her as much as you can.

Alternatively, next time you're near her, mention that you had a nice time with Cousin, and repeat what Cousin said to you (about SIL's warning). Say this is the nth time you've heard that sort of comment and ask what on earth you did to make her bad mouth you to everyone. Top marks if you can have this conversation in front of a crowded room!

What point has OP gotten to?. The sister has no right to go about disparaging her to everyone!. Why are you trying to blame her?

Your fiance should be shutting her down. And don't give your fiance an audience to what she has been saying. That feeds the problem. Once he and others realise you do not want nor need to hear about her opinions he will drop the subject.

I voted you are BU as I don’t think that this weird woman should be triggering an identity crisis.

Her behaviour is all about her it’s nothing to do with anything you’re doing. You’ve clearly triggered some insecurities in her but that’s not your fault.

Honestly why do you care what she thinks ? I would have absolutely nothing to do with her . Pandering to her and writing her letter is I'm sorry OP but ridiculous why are you trying so hard to explain something to her that is absolutely none of her business.

The issue is all hers.
Don't take it on board.
You do you and keep her at arms length.
She's judging you before investing time in getting to know you. There's nowhere to go with her.

Don't let it derail who you are. Writing the letter to her was definitely over-sharing - don't make her that important to you. Anyone who's happy to voice a really warped opinion of you without getting to know you isn't worth bothering with. It's teenage behaviour.

I hope you're ok OP.

Aah, I see what's going on here. She's a bit thick and a bit common, and she thinks someone who uses big fancy words like "horrendous" is posh. And the thing about posh people, as everyone knows, is that they think they are better than non-posh people. So because you think that you are better than her, but actually aren't, and she's common and therefore doesn't think that she is better than anyone, she is objectively better than you, and gets to look down on you for being an inferior, stuck up cow. You see? it makes perfect sense.

Anyway, she sounds like a nasty litte bullying teenager and will only enhance your life by her absence.

I'm also shocked that anyone would tell you that they expected you to be horrible because SIL said you were, let alone multiple members of your DP's family. What the hell are they thinking? They obviously all like a bit of drama If there's anyone left that might spring that one on you, maybe be prepared to say "yes, people keep telling me that Tracy thinks I'm stuck up. It would be nice if someone could spread the word that I'm not actually that horrible" or something to that effect. They might notice that what they just did wasn't nice, and also what SIL is doing is exceptionally not-nice.

And why is your DP such a wet blanket, trying to explain you to his malicious sister? "Wind your neck in about the woman I'm about to marry, will you? You don't have to like her but you don't get to slag her off to the whole family without there being repercussions for your relationship with me".

I'm not blaming the OP, I clarified what I meant further down threat. Perhaps that original comment was poorly worded.

I don’t think you need to do anything differently OP. It sounds like you are comfortable with the family dynamics generally but your SIL is behaving badly.

If you hear another comment like ‘we heard that you were a stuck up cow’ from a third party, I’d say something like… “SIL doesn’t seem to like me, I don’t know why she’s so critical” 🤷🏽‍♀️

Its her. Not you.

I think you’re giving what she thinks too much power over you. People who talk about others being ‘fake’ really aren’t worth your time. Be polite at family gatherings and when you see her, be as nice as you like then when you leave, spend your energy on things that are important to you.

I realised the other day I have a real aversion for asking fiancé to defend me.

You are not your mother. Your mother would pick fights and demand that your dad defend her regardless to feed her need to be the centre of everything and always right. You are in anything but that situation. You should be defended against nasty, bullying and untrue accusations.

And I agree with PPs. It's all very well your fiance trying to explain to her why you are the way you are, but what is he actually doing to tell her to get back in her box? You shouldn't need to ask him. If someone said to me that DP was much nicer then they expected because of what they'd been told, whoever had told them would find that they suddenly had a lot more arseholes than they started with. Tell us a bit about his feelings about this.

Remember - nobody can make you feel bad unless you let them. You have a choice of how to react (inside to yourself as well as outside to others).

Just a possibility, there have been threads on here before about this - any chance she resents you 'taking her brother away from her' and is trying to split you up by making you walk away?

If someone doesn't like you or you're not their cup of tea, no matter what you say or do , it won't bring them round!
This is no reflection on you! Is the way they are.

Silently leave her life and only appear when family outings/ gatherings make it necessary. X

You don't have to actually say it to her but remembering the old saying from my school days "I am rubber, you are glue. What bounces off me sticks to you" Yes he should be defending you but you should also be able to deal with this yourself so i think you are right to not continually shove the loyalty card.

Ah, so she puts you down to feel better about herself.

Just a common or garden bully then.

She finds you stuck up & thinks that everyone else will.

What a fool.

You said that the family didn’t react when she was trying to mock your vocab. Nobody trusts a bitchy person because deep down you know you might be next. Maybe they don’t like her style. A close knit family that is easy going won’t enjoy someone constantly trying to be divisive.

I wish I had more self confidence. I think I fake it pretty well these days or at least have trained my brain (via therapy) to accept myself for who I am. But I’m always fighting my core self which fundamentally is a people pleaser. I do my best to implement the strategies I have been given. I’m so upset that after everything I still just want to be liked. Even by a person I don’t even like.

It’s scary to think no matter how much therapy I get I’ll always be that child just begging to be liked.

I think this is the critical thing OP - you have to work on this. The reason your mother demanding your father defend her was abusive is because SHE was abusive. You're not, so it's not! I expect this goes for lots of things if you look more closely - your fear of being your mother (and probably of being your father too.) But you are neither of them - you are simply yourself, a decent human being.

Your DP needs to have serious words with his sister, right now. She's a bully, a mean girl, and if anyone is in danger of causing a family fallout it's her. I'm surprised and concerned that he's not overridden your unfounded reluctance and done so already.

This sounds nice, but also sounds that it could be a bit suffocating, especially with family members who are happy to believe (and repeat to you) what SIL says about you, and the fact your fiancé doesn’t seem to defend you.

Do you want to live in this close-knit group for the rest of your life? Take the example of the last minute dinners - who is it doing the cooking when someone drops into yours for dinner? And if that’s fine now when you’re young and free, how will it feel when you have more responsibilities - you’ve had a tiring day at work, rushed to pick the kids up from nursery, you need to get them fed and into bed before they become over-tired terrors, but here’s random relative turning up and expecting dinner. How does it feel then?

Likewise, are you expected to revolve your lives around ‘the family’? Do you socialise with friends, or is it just/ mainly relatives? Are you expected to fall into their plans and traditions for birthdays, Xmas etc, and what happens if you say no? How do they treat family members who have moved away - are they excluded because they did something different? Thinking ahead, what happens if you want to use a nursery instead of MIL doing childcare/ move away to a nicer area/ don’t want your child to go to the local school/ choose activities for your child that are perceived as ‘posh’?

The way you describe them as ‘clannish’ suggests to me that all these could be issues down the line. Clannish can easily become ‘resentful of anything different’.

Just ignore her.