SIL bitches about me being “fake” and a “snob” constantly

[Rhypo]

SIL has made it known to my fiancé and extended family members that she finds me to be fake. I’ve noticed that SIL (who is a few years younger than me) and her friends have a massive preoccupation with people who they deem to be two faced. In their social group the worst thing you can be is fake.

SIL and I were raised slightly differently. I went to an all girls school and couldn’t just act out every impulse. It’s funny because I actually admire people who aren’t repressed with the same hang ups as me. Genuinely.

I grew up with an abusive and narcissistic mother who would literally go to the sea and threaten suicide to get her own way. So I am a massive people pleaser. I’m not reserved out of choice it literally is a coping mechanism. I have many close friendships. It’s obvious to most I am quite emotionally unavailable at first but definitely kind and thoughtful. Once I feel safe I open up massively. I just have never felt safe with SIL.

But SIL has pigeon holded me despite fiancé trying his best to explain. I went to a private school for primary but was pulled out as my dad’s business went under. I’m an only child so, yes, you do have to have privilege to attend a private school but I lived a very normal upbringing - camping holidays (went abroad maybe 2/3 times as a kid), terraced house etc.

it’s causing me to have a bit of an identity crisis. I’ve done so much therapy and have accepted who I am and understand why I act the way I do. But SIL is throwing a huge spotlight on me and I just don’t know what to do.

I’ve written sil a letter explaining my past and got no reply!

I think we all want to be liked (or??) don't be hard on yourself, having someone attack you like SIL does is deeply unpleasant for most people. See if you can flip the power dynamic. Pick on her the next few times you see her, she thinks you're meek, that is the biggest problem. And you may come across as meek because it feels bad for you to be rejected.

What does your fiancé say about this common garden cow?

OP, I understand where you are coming from. A former people pleaser...well, a work-in-progress people pleaser. I wonder if your fiance 's family and way of socialising is the right environment for you. Just wondering. Especially if it is affecting your self confidence. You find the family's way attractive now because it is different to what you had. And it may remain something you like.

Yiu should be able to ask your partner to defend you but for someone with your history this is obviously too difficult to contemplate. Remember, you are not your mother.

Therapy is really helpful. It takes time but it works especially with CBT.
Try it.
You do not need to explain yourself to anyone. Your fiance shouldn't either.

Your SIL sounds like an unhappy, unpleasant and insecure person.
Learn to ignore her. Learn to not value yourself through her eyes (she has a highly skewed vision).

Why on earth are people repeating her negativity to you? That's horrible behaviour. If your fiance's family keep regurgitating this crap, tell them you don't want to hear it. I get that for a people-pleaser, addressing this problem is equivalent to scaling Mount Everest, but you'll be more respected for it, believe me. As to whether this will make people like you, that is a 'them' issue, not yours.

Please, OP, don't ever again write a letter to somebody apologising for who you are. This emotional baggage belongs to your SiL. It's not yours. Drop it right back at her feet where it belongs: don't pick it up and carry it yourself.

Your SiL apparently knows little of how human beings operate. We are all of us 'fake', all the time. WTF is an 'authentic self?' I'll tell you what it is, it's bull. We are all shaped within and in response to our social surroundings and we behave differently in different situations. All of us. And yes, we are all two-, three-, and multi-faced. Humans, eh?

People pleasing is a hard habit to break but it's eminently doable. Keep on with this and don't give up. Try reading the book 'The Power of No'. The outcome will be very liberating.

Remember, 'what other people think of me is none of my business'.

This is an excellent post - what seems wonderfully opposed to your own family history will definitely bring it's own issues. I particularly like how @EllieQ has highlighted that it's usually the women who carry the load in all these 'casual' family get-togethers.

And why, if they're all so lovely, have her parents not told her to back the fuck off and stop trying to hurt you?

She's malevolent, and underneath the bonhomie, everyone is falling in line and brushing it under the carpet. A bit like your dad fell in line behind your mum, if you think about it?

I actually feel like I want to go round and give her a skelping so she thinks on about her good fortune in having a 'stuck up' SIL. What's her address?!

Give yourself—and your therapist!—some credit for your hard wirk and progress. Look into other modalities such as EMDR or Internal Family Systems which are both ways of recognizing and recovering frim the need to overprotect that inner child. I also recommend Thich Nhat Hanh’s book “Reconciliations” for a Buddhist perspective. You do not have to be a prisoner of your past.

Maybe her friends/cousins are repeating her malevolence to you as a kind of warning?

Or maybe they whole lot of them, family and all, are the 'I speak my mind/call a spade a spade [no matter who gets hurt] kind of people? AKA wankers.

How old are you?

I had much the same upbringing as yourself - narc mother, private schools etc. I am also a terrible people pleaser and somewhat of a fucking doormat to be honest - I let people get away with fucking murder.

But since I became menopausal that has all started to fall away. I just don't bloody care anymore. It's a work in progress, but I've finally realised that what other people think of me REALLY doesn't matter. I wish I'd realised that back in my 20s.

I tied myself up in knots trying to get my late MIL to like me. I dated my ex husband for nearly 4 years before we married - in that whole time I doubt his mother said more than 20 words to me...his sister was a right bitch, too. Like your SIL, they didn't like the fact that my upbringing had been so different - like I had any control over it! I was painfully shy, they probably thought I was arrogant. The funny thing was straight after we married, MIL started to be friendly towards me (was probably thinking of grandchildren) but it was like a switch had gone off in my brain - I just didn't care anymore!

Drop the rope. Stop trying, just stop, full stop. Concentrate on the people in your life who actually matter. Your SIL does not.

I would just stop engaging with her. She’s been telling family members you’re fake and a snob and yet she’s been going around telling people you’re a stuck up cow?

”It came after an evening out with fiancé’s cousin and his wife. At the end of the night I was told “we were worried about tonight because X (SIL) told us you were a stuck up cow but we had a great time”.”

this is an insane thing to say to someone’s face?!

Nah you won’t always be that child begging to be liked. That part will always be part of you but it’s a part. Just talk to that little child in yourself and reassure her. You’ll be fine.

SIL is a twat so stop defending yourself and keep being you, everyone can see you’re cool.

It will be very difficult for you to accept this as a people-pleaser but this is important: it is ok if SIL doesn't like you

You are not changed by other people's opinion of you. It's fine to be both genuine and reserved and cautious about how much you open up to others. SIL chooses to be more open about herself and is therefore loudly signalling to all around her that she's not a very nice person. That's not better. You don't need her to approve of you.

DH should tell her firmly that if she can't stop badmouthing you then he will have nothing further to do with her. Don't contact her directly again unless she reaches out to apologise.

Turning 40 was a great antidote to all this people pleaser rubbish!

I haven’t read pp replies so sorry if this has been said. Your SIL isn’t going to change. You can only change yourself. I am wondering why you feel you need to get her to understand/like you. She doesn’t like you and I appreciate that is difficult for a people pleaser but the answer isn’t to convince her. She has no respect for you so stop trying. The answer is to come to terms with someone not liking you. Do you actually like her? Where the hell is your anger? She’s not being real and authentic. She’s bullying you. She’s figured out your vulnerability and she’s using it against you and trying to turn others against you. She’s trying to take you down. You need to think about why you let her treat you like this. I’m not saying that you need to take any action differently (except never writing a letter again) but psychologically you need to come to terms with this and find some of those missing emotions and thoughts that should be directed her way. She’s a bitch

Don't worry about this OP, how do you even know that she genuinely thinks this way? There may be all manner of things going on in her head (jealousy, her own self image issues etc), which is causing her to slag you off to other family members, I think the fact that you are so self conscious has got you thinking this is your fault, or something you should fix, but if all the other family members seem to like you then it is pretty obvious that she has an agenda.

Besides, if it was a genuine misunderstanding then she would have contacted you after the letter to at least offer an olive branch, or apologise for calling you behind your back.. she hasn't because she doesn't want to.. it doesn't suit her agenda to make peace with you.. so don't give her any more ammo.

Once you genuinely realise that this is a 'her' problem, it will be like water off a ducks back, the more attention and headspace you give it the more it feeds into her narrative that it is you that is the problem, no need to cut her off though, just ignore the negative behaviour and if people bring it up, just act bemused by it all.

You're massively overthinking the whole situation. Yes our childhoods are a part of us but we can do, and become anything, we want as an adult. Yours is to become more confident in yourself.

I had a terrible upbringing but I choose to not let that define me or be the cause of why, who and what does or doesn't like me. Stop thinking about your past, stop bringing it into your every day world and decide just to be the nice person that you are. If you're SIL doesn't like you, so what? that's on her, not you.

As a recovering people pleaser, I know how hard it can be. We want to live in a place without confrontation and where we're liked by everyone. Thing is though, people will like or dislike us anyway. And that's OK....I used to want everyone to like me, love me, see all that I had to offer, all that I was doing for them...in fact all the good that I was doing in the world....and they probably still didn't like me....and I remembered also, that I too didn't "like everyone". It's OK, we're not here for other people's validation.

Forget trying to be friends with your SIL, forget trying to please her. This is clearly just a game to her and she loves dangling you on a string, getting all tied up in knots. Don't give her the satisfaction. Be polite when you see her... and definitely stop writing letters to her!!!

SIL sounds like a right cow. Sounds to me like she’s jealous of you, it’s classic behaviour meant to make you feel uncomfortable, her superior and potentially drive you away. Please ignore her and practice a carefree shrug/smile/eye roll combination for each time she directs her pathetic behaviour your way.

I thought that too, and wonder how much entertainment the DHs family get from being so tactless on purpose, maybe SIL isn't the only one who's a bit of a dick.

Jeez they are as toxic as she is!!! That's not normal behaviour. You don't have to justify yourself to these people.

I would love it if OP send SIL the link to this thread. ⚡

I'll come too.
You sound lovely OP and the rest of the family are enabling this bitch, including your Fiance. I would be thinking about whether you want to marry into this lot, you sound far too nice for them

I'd advise caution before marrying into that family, OP. It doesn't sound as though your fiancé has your back. It seems as though your nasty SIL has an elevated position in the family and is jealous of you. It's really awful that she's been warning people in advance about you. There was absolutely nothing wrong in what you said and even if there was, she should have your back because you're with her brother. There's nothing normal about this dynamic.

I think you need to speak to a professional before going ahead with the wedding. If your boyfriend isn't 100% behind you, your marriage will be very unhappy.

Whilst your SIL is a nasty cow, it is equally concerning that your fiancé seems unable to rein her in (maybe he's not that bothered) and you have other family members repeating to your face what your SIL said about you to them which is just crass. Think long and hard about marrying into this family OP, it is not looking good.

Oh hugs OP, this is horrible. My background and personality are similar.

Play the long game. Nasty people usually trip themselves up in the end and others twig what they are really like. Don't engage with her, just be polite but distant at events and don't ever text her / invite her round to yours etc. Don't let her ruin things for you.