SIL bitches about me being “fake” and a “snob” constantly

[Rhypo]

SIL has made it known to my fiancé and extended family members that she finds me to be fake. I’ve noticed that SIL (who is a few years younger than me) and her friends have a massive preoccupation with people who they deem to be two faced. In their social group the worst thing you can be is fake.

SIL and I were raised slightly differently. I went to an all girls school and couldn’t just act out every impulse. It’s funny because I actually admire people who aren’t repressed with the same hang ups as me. Genuinely.

I grew up with an abusive and narcissistic mother who would literally go to the sea and threaten suicide to get her own way. So I am a massive people pleaser. I’m not reserved out of choice it literally is a coping mechanism. I have many close friendships. It’s obvious to most I am quite emotionally unavailable at first but definitely kind and thoughtful. Once I feel safe I open up massively. I just have never felt safe with SIL.

But SIL has pigeon holded me despite fiancé trying his best to explain. I went to a private school for primary but was pulled out as my dad’s business went under. I’m an only child so, yes, you do have to have privilege to attend a private school but I lived a very normal upbringing - camping holidays (went abroad maybe 2/3 times as a kid), terraced house etc.

it’s causing me to have a bit of an identity crisis. I’ve done so much therapy and have accepted who I am and understand why I act the way I do. But SIL is throwing a huge spotlight on me and I just don’t know what to do.

I’ve written sil a letter explaining my past and got no reply!

She sounds like a jealous bully, and it wasn't nice of your DH cousin to repeat what she had said either, even if they were disagreeing with her.
I would just continue being polite when she talks to you but engage as little as possible on family occasions, and maybe block her on SM if you haven't already.

She sounds very jealous not just from this post but reading this whole thread. Like others say, keep contact light and don’t feel you have to defend yourself especially to her.

If they’re so open then you should call out her rudeness immediately there and then at that moment. I think she might view you as an easy target because you aren’t reacting at all. You need to nip this disrespect firmly and publicly in the bud.

Where is your fiancée when his little bitch of a sister is behaving like this?
Why is he tolerating this?
Explaining what to her about you?
She doesn't get to be explained to?
Who on earth does she think she is?

She is a nasty bully.
Do not marry into a family where this type of behaviour is tge norm.
They are not nice people.
They are the dregs.

I'm sorry OP, but your judgement is off if you think decent normal people behave like this.
Only the dregs do and they are to be avoided, not married into.

I realised the other day I have a real aversion for asking fiancé to defend me. My mum would constantly demand my dad “defend” her in any disagreement with friends/family. Citing loyalty constantly. I just can’t go there.

You sounds so lovely. Carry on being you.
Stick to your own values, be polite with no expectation for reciprocity. You have no control over her behaviour and opinion. Do not give it headspace. You already have your guard up with her as you don't trust her, so that's a healthy boundary to keep.

I'm sorry you've had it difficult with others and your own mother in the past too. Do not let this define you. Remember life is simple when we chose to give attention to the things in the here and now that serve us, our values and our goals.

I'm introverted and quite shy, and probably don't easily open up unless I'm with people I feel comfortable with. I think some people interpret this is aloofness. I particularly remember being at school and another child saying to me "I always thought you were really stuck up but actually you're really nice". I think it reflects badly on SIL as she's clearly passing judgement without taking the time to get to know you. She doesn't sound like a nice person. Try to have limited contact.

Are you sure you want to marry into this family? They sound like they'll constantly trample all over your boundaries, turn up uninvited, bully you and generally be a bit of a nightmare.

Well—I would like it too. But it takes some sharp cross and jostle work to establish yourself.

Don’t JADE: justify, argue, defend, or explain. Whatever you hear from SIL be blunt and insolently cocksure in your answers. “Oh, is SIL still whining about my vocabulary? I am giving her a dictionary for Christmas.” “Oh, poor SIL, she seems to have a bit of a bee in her bonnet about that (whatever it is)” take the attitude that you are who you are and you won’t be changing. People respect that. You need to carve out your space.

I would say you urgently need to acquire some Fuck You energy towards this woman. Who cares what she thinks about you? IGNORE.

I don't think you should need to ask your fiance to defend you. I'd expect him to rip his sister a new one for telling people you're a stuck up cow. If he hasn't and thinks it's better to ignore her, then I guess that's valid too and you can get to a point of laughing it off when people tell you that, saying it's her problem. But I wouldn't do anything in between, like trying to please her. She sounds horrible and you don't need to please her or attempt to get her understanding at all. If she's going to call you a stuck up cow anyway, you might as well get the benefit and blank her.

I know it's horrible to feel that people out there are forming pre-conceived notions about you based on someone else's agenda but there are the experiences to lean into. It just shows that your own personality shines through regardless of her best - or worst - efforts.

Out of interest, how is your relationship with the rest of his family and friends? Have they welcomed you?

Let her carry on OP, she’s showing others what a bully she is. And I’m guessing she’s jealous. Stop trying to win her approval, because what other people think of you is none of your business. Let her crack on. If she says anything outright nasty again, either ignore her or try “That’s such a strange thing to say out loud” or ask her to repeat herself as though you didn’t hear her, so that everyone else in the vicinity can hear what a bitch she is being to you.
Would be nice if your DP could back you up.

Wow, OP, this sister is a totally sad cow.

She must be jealous because you are classy and probably good looking as well as smart and educated. She probably feels inferior but doesn't respect you either.

I'm afraid, you need to pick a fight with her. Tell her what kind of petty childish behaviour it is to mock someone's speech and not to bother with you again. Also tell her she's a shallow drama queen and to go and annoy someone else. People who are happy with themselves don't behave this way. Your fiancé is not doing the right thing and I'm afraid I'd ditch him and his pathetic loser family. The only way a marriage can last is if the husband clearly takes his wife's side if his family are mean to her. There is no other way. Either he ditches the lot and you both move away or ditch home and his clan.

She sounds awful. How rude to not reply to your letter. Perhaps she is jealous of you in some way?

Your mother was a shit stirrer and narcissist but you are not. you don’t have to pay her debts or live in her shadow. He should want to defend you if you are under attack. It is what good partners do. Again: you may need to do more therapy or watch some YouTube s about recovering from narcissistic abuse.

The fact that she hasn’t replied to such a personal letter says a lot about her. I think I’d leave it there, and if it’s ever mentioned tell her that it’s clear that she’s made an unkind judgement about you, made that view uncomfortably obvious and isn’t able to open her mind enough to get to know you and realise that she’s wrong. For that reason, you need to have as little to do with her as possible as she sounds not just spiteful but also very immature. However, you say you can’t do that as the family is close knit and mingles a lot. I now think it’s time for your fiance to speak to her and, possibly, to his parents about the way that her behaviour is affecting you. It’s appalling and needs calling out. He should have your back here and her parents need to know how her conduct with other people / relatives is going to cause family issues. How dare she tell people you’re a stuck up cow and try to encourage them to dislike you. I’m amazed that nobody has seen her behave like this and raised how inappropriate that is.

Has your partner said anything to his sister about the awful things she is saying about you?

You don't need her validation. Let people take you as they find you. They'll soon get wise to her bitchiness!!

My in laws used to make constant comments about where I was from, how lucky we were, how easy we had it etc etc. It got easier as we all got to know each other. Just go about your business as usual and she’ll get there x

I summarise my thought: you have a fiancé problem. Recognise that you deserve so much better. Do not marry him. It's not romantic to be the black sheep of this family, you can still get out.

She thinks you had/have the life she wants. Private school etc leads her to think that you had/have the Made in Chelsea type life and she didnt, so is slagging you off for it.

Envy in other words.

Do you earn well and have a nice life with your fiance? She is so green she cant see straight!

He should want to defend you without you asking. Was he present when your SIL mocked you for using the word 'horrendous'? It wasn't even a disagreement, it was your SIL being gratuitously and unreasonably rude to you. He should be furious about that.

I hate this kind of reverse snobbery - your SIL sounds like a real piece of work and what she is doing is really wrong. I am sorry you are having this experience. As long as you have never lied (which makes it hard to trust people if it happens ) you have nothing to apologize for and she should be ashamed of herself.