SIL bitches about me being “fake” and a “snob” constantly

[Rhypo]

SIL has made it known to my fiancé and extended family members that she finds me to be fake. I’ve noticed that SIL (who is a few years younger than me) and her friends have a massive preoccupation with people who they deem to be two faced. In their social group the worst thing you can be is fake.

SIL and I were raised slightly differently. I went to an all girls school and couldn’t just act out every impulse. It’s funny because I actually admire people who aren’t repressed with the same hang ups as me. Genuinely.

I grew up with an abusive and narcissistic mother who would literally go to the sea and threaten suicide to get her own way. So I am a massive people pleaser. I’m not reserved out of choice it literally is a coping mechanism. I have many close friendships. It’s obvious to most I am quite emotionally unavailable at first but definitely kind and thoughtful. Once I feel safe I open up massively. I just have never felt safe with SIL.

But SIL has pigeon holded me despite fiancé trying his best to explain. I went to a private school for primary but was pulled out as my dad’s business went under. I’m an only child so, yes, you do have to have privilege to attend a private school but I lived a very normal upbringing - camping holidays (went abroad maybe 2/3 times as a kid), terraced house etc.

it’s causing me to have a bit of an identity crisis. I’ve done so much therapy and have accepted who I am and understand why I act the way I do. But SIL is throwing a huge spotlight on me and I just don’t know what to do.

I’ve written sil a letter explaining my past and got no reply!

This sounds miserable OP. She is not going to change and honestly your fiance should have nipped this in the bud immediately. He is a huge problem if he just lets this happen and is allowing her to abuse you. This is not a great family that enables her horrendous behavior. Outspoken and candid does not equate to being rude. They all sound like awful people.

You might want to think about whether you can stand this for the rest of your life. It likely will only get worse and sounds like an awful existence. There is no way I would allow anyone in my family to treat my DH like that, not ever. Would you allow your fiance to be abused? It is something to seriously think about.

Ignore Sil 's bullying behaviour and NEVER EVER justify who and what you are to her Do not give her the power to upset you

I think you need to call her out for her behaviour in front of everyone.

Fuck her!

Follow their lead, and each time she's rude to you, calmly ask her why's she's such an unrelenting twat.

Stop pandering to this bitch. She sounds immature and insecure. I know it’s easy to say stop caring, but honestly that’s what you need to learn to do. She’s a cow. Just reduce your contact with her and get on with your life. If she goes around calling multiple people two faced, it sounds like it might be her with the issue here! She sounds like a school girl!

I wonder if some counselling to help you with your confidence would help? I think SIL is being a nasty bitch and your husband to be needs to put her in her place now. Sounds like she has been allowed to gob off negatively as she pleases. It isn’t her place to judge you.

You don't owe this woman anything and should not be ashamed of the person you are.

You need to take a massive jump back from this toxic individual. If your fiance genuinely has your interest at heart, he will support you.

Avoid and if necessary cut out. Lots of love.

Can't help but think the rest of the family wouldn't like that!

Rise above them Op-preferably walk away!

Can you both get together and chat to change misconceptions? Often all it takes is honesty and get to know the real person. Sounds like she's not pleasant and judgemental, set her straight or just ignore her. X

It sounds like they wouldn't mind: "This family is extremely candid and brutally honest."

Maybe they would "close ranks"?

Either way they don't come across well do they?

Just for context could you include what you wrote/said in the letter? Only as I can’t imagine you having to feel a ‘need’ to EVER justify yourself for how you went to a private school and then ‘off scale’ it by saying camping holidays or your dads business went under?! SO what if you were a daughter of a billionaire and had your own butler OR you lived in a high rise council one bedroom flat with your whole family? It’s none of her blooming business ! I guess I just wanted you to include what you wrote in the letter because i’m hoping you’re not putting yourself down or almost apologising for who you are when you haven’t (from what I take it as anyway!) done a single thing wrong! I can just imagine your SIL .. it’s like an ‘inverted snobbery’ like ‘oh SHES not one of ‘us’?!! SHE’S not salt of the the earth type of gal for us .. snobby b*tch - who ties she think she is!!?’
and so ANYTHING you do grom
now at social family gatherings her (and her minions) eyes will be like stalks on you and g forbid you’re not hungry or feeling too good for such food choices and she’ll be ‘my poor mother used her measly pension money to buy this food and slaves over a hot stove and it doesn’t PLEASE you does it?’

so i guess without seeing the letter i can’t imagine what anyone on this forum can really say to you as if i see it id love to say ‘OP please retract this and re send a short but sweet note saying xyz…’

There you go. The rest of the family are working you out as a nice person. Try to ignore the bad apple and go forward with your life. Do not let her definition of you be an issue, just be you.
PS her and her mates are not balanced people, they're cruel and immature.

Tell her with a smile, to grow up and be an adult, she'll find it useful in the future.

If she continues in this style, just laugh at her, it can be disconcerting.
Plus I would arm myself with some good literary quotes, which can distance you from the immediacy of her stupidity.

e.g. "I wish my horse had the speed of your tongue" W. Shakespeare

"You can't teach an old dogma new tricks" Dorothy Parker

Hi, she’s jealous of you because she sees you as a threat to her relationship with her brother. She would dislike anyone he was with and the worst she can think of to dislike and therefore criticise you for is that you’re ‘fake’. Quite a compliment to you, actually, as there obviously isn’t anything tangible about you she can criticise . You can’t do anything about her behaviour, sadly, you only have the power to change the way you act and respond to her. Just continue being your steady, polite self , she’ll find another victim eventually if she doesn’t get reinforcement from baiting you but a very sad and infuriating situation. Good luck.

Go no contact with the silly jealous b*h !!

What an extraordinary family you are marrying into. On five occasions someone has told you that they heard you were a stuck up cow? I find that quite hard to believe. A family of fools who don’t care how they come across or who they upset?

Who are the people? Who actually says that so someone?

I think you would be better off just laughing off these comments and demonstrating by your actions that you’re a nice person.

I don’t understand why your SIL takes exception to where you went to primary school, or why it’s even being discussed. It’s primary school!!! Does it even matter or count? I would understand more if you had gone to one of the most exclusive schools in the country for high school and then on to Oxbridge and she felt threatened or inferior, but this talk of primary school is just pathetic. How did that even come up?

I really feel for you OP. Your SIL sounds absolutely horrendous.

Why don't just leave her to it? She doesn't have to affect you just see her when you have to and get on with your life

You don't have to apologise, explain nor account for your upbringing.
She sounds petty and jealous.
The less attention you give her the better. And if she ever says anything you can explain why (if you want too).
Need to take back control of your narrative and remember you're the main character in your life, not her.

Well i think you should have a problem. You say you admire her honesty k etc but actually she’s being rude and a total bitch. I wouldn’t have anything to do with someone who bad mouthed me like this and I’d be telling her why I wouldn’t be talking to her or seeing her again. 🤷‍♀️

though actually maybe that’s giving her the reaction she wants and grey rock and minimal contact with no explanation may be better.

I think you should turn your thinking on its head. Rather than being upset that she's being rude and unkind and trying to mould yourself into something you aren't to please the SIL. Reframe it in your head that she's rude and nasty and you don't like her and don't want to interact with her.

If she's nasty just roll your eyes and ignore her. If others heard her and ignored her, it's likely they think she's out of order and don't share her opinion. A bit like the person who thought you'd be a stuck up cow, she met you and didn't share that opinion. The more you socialise with his family, the less her comments will be believed.

But you do need to talk to your dh about this, tell him it upsets you and you'd appreciate that he shuts it down on your behalf.

Yeah I wouldn't be marrying in to this lot. Not a chance. It won't get better OP.