to not let neighbour use my shower!

[NavyOrca]

Next door neighbour messaged me earlier. Her shower has broken and she can’t get anyone to come out and fix it until the week after next. She asked if she could ‘pop in’ to use ours every other day.

I don’t want her to! I’ve got most of next week off work and plan to be at home a lot, doing not much at all, after a crazy busy time lately. I don’t want to worry about somebody coming to have a shower!

For context - I get on with her absolutely fine. We chat now and again and have walked our dogs together a few times in the past.. wouldn’t say we are especially close though.

AIBU to say no to this request? I know that she moved to the area for work and none of her family/friends are around here. So I might be her only option and I do feel bad about this.

She doesn’t need to boil kettles. She has hot water.

How is this even a question? Of course a neighbour can use my shower when theirs is broken. Let’s hope OP never needs a favour

Extremely unkind and selfish??? Not at all.

I had a neighbour use the shower once with her 8 year DS.

Gave them space and stayed in the kitchen.
Once they'd left, the bathroom was a state.
Her hair on the shower floor,
wet bathmat not hung on the radiator,
Water everywhere.
Towels on the floor.

if someone had done me that favour, would have left it as much as possible as I'd found it.

To top it off, had someone ask me about something in my house, only way she'd know is if said neighbour had told her. So basically went gossiping.

OP's neighbour is pretty much a stranger as just moved in.
OP doesn't know what kind of person she is or if it's even true.

Neighbour has gone for the easiest option as others have said, gyms etc could be a good call.

Well done OP for setting a boundary you are comfortable with.

Advice is one thing, but It's not for anyone really to tell you what to do.

Just remembered, I've used someone's shower also for a week.
Agreed on me having a key to the back door, and I used it before anyone was up.
It was a downstairs one, so not waking anyone up.
Some days they didn't even know I'd used it as I was in and out and left it pretty much as was with bath mat on radiator and shower walls and door dried.
Used my own toiletries and towel which I never left in there.

I wouldn't have been comfortable asking anyone else so OP doesn't have to feel comfortable saying yes to this particular neighbour.

OP has decided to be kind and allow the neighbour to shower at her house **

20 minutes??!! That's a luxurious shower. If I let someone use my shower and they took 4 times as long as I do, I'd be really fed up. The problem is, some people take even longer and, unless you have that widget that turns the shower off after x minutes, she could be in there for ages. That would give me a huge amount of stress, using so much more hot water than I do in my own home - unless you're prepared to say that it's fine, but could you limit it to 5 minutes...

I had no shower or kitchen for months after a twat of a so-called friend/builder left me high and dry (and scarpered with the money for the works). I have lived here for 13 years, and no way would I have asked to use anyone's bathroom. The request puts folk in an awkward position, making them feel obliged to say yes. I have a sink, a flannel and a jug - wash at the sink, use a jug over the bath for washing hair. The bathroom is a very personal area. I wouldn't have an issue with, say, a neighbour using my washing machine, but not my bathroom. Perhaps you could say that you would be happy to help in other circumstances (eg, washing machine) but not the shower.

Pretty selfish not to let her. As long as she texts you a time you can both agree on.

Give her set times and days, if that doesn’t suit her suggest she joins a gym and uses theirs.

I don't believe people poo in the shower as many say in this. And I think people are more careful with how they behave in others houses. I wouldn't even factor this risk in!

I am just wondering if all these people happy to let someone they don’t know very well to use their shower would be happy to let the person use their bath mat or would they ask them to bring their own?

Just let them use my bath mat.

Honestly the world has gone bonkers. Being a decent person costs s bit. Yes, it's mildly inconvenient. Kindness "costs" or else it's not kindness.

People have become so obsessed with themselves and their rights and boundaries... what an awful way to live. This thread made me so grateful I have at least 4 sets of neighbours I could easily ask if shower broke down.

Having boundaries isn't being obsessed with boundaries - based on some of the 'how do I say no?' posts on MN, more folk need them.

It's about where those boundaries are though isn't it? Some people need more boundaries.

But people who think letter a neighbour use your shower is too much are not those people.

I disagree.
Your view isn't any more relevant or correct than mine.

She wasn't 'expecting', she was asking. Just in case the OP turned out to be a reasonable person.
The OP's description of the neighbour makes it sound like their relationship is not just 'people who happen to live near you.' but that they know each other on at least friendly terms.
I find the thought of driving an hour rather than asking a friendly neighbour nuts. If a neighbour told me they were going to do that so as to 'deal with their own shit' I'd laugh and tell them just to use mine. You never know when you might need a little favour back.

It's hardly 'open access' it's for a matter of a few days, and the OP could easily set a time that 's convenient for her.
As for 'virtual strangers naked in their house' 🙄a) she's a friendly neighbour and b) I at least am assuming the OP won't be in the bathroom while the neighbour is naked. If the mere thought of someone behind a closed/locked door being naked gives you the vapours, you really do need help.

It won't kill her to wash in a sink. Just say no. It's also expensive to heat water

I think it would be neighbourly to help her, you never know when you might need a favour in return.

To reduce the impact to your week off, perhaps define a timeframe she could popover, i..e. early morning, late evening, personally don't think it would disturb.

I’d do it- you might need a favour from her in the future. I’ve done a few favours for my neighbour like taking in her milk, feeding her fish when she was on holiday and on one occasion taking in a very expensive seafood delivery and storing it my already packed fridge at Christmas when she got stuck somewhere overnight! I like being neighbourly and she owes me!

I can’t imagine asking this of a neighbour.
id rather just use the showers at my gym everyday (and even join a local gym just to do so if I wasn’t a member already).

I think I’d let her if it was every other day and I could give a set time for her to do so

I would never ask to use a neighbour's shower in this situation. There are over ways to wash! In the past, I've had to boil water for weeks when waiting for a boiler to be fixed.

It would be a no from Me!

I get she’s in a pickle and agree on telling her specific times that she can use it. But when I was in the same position I’d wash my hair in the sink, then fill a large pitcher with hot water, soap up in the shower (but not using the shower only the drain) pour the pitcher over myself, dry off and done! I wouldn’t have dreamed of asking our neighbors. And we didn’t have hot water either, I had to heat it over the stove.

I have to admit I’d never ask a neighbour for this!
Hmm, I would possibly (begrudgingly) accept, but say only possible on (say) weekends as you’re out midweek or on holiday and won’t be up until gone midday and then going out.

gosh yes, week off I’d hate having to get the house ready everyday, but also keep it casual in case you need a favour.

If she doesn’t make you uncomfortable, then why not? It’s a small inconvenience on your part, and you will probably find it brings you closer together, and will be a funny story in the future. Also one shouldn’t do something with the expectation of getting anything back, that defeats the purpose.

Equally if you’re not comfortable then that is a different story entirely.

My neighbour and friend passed away this year. She was initially a stranger but we became friends quickly. She became a part of our community and I miss her dearly. We kept extending kindnesses to each other and looking out for each other, and it was wonderful.

Wow I have adhd too and wondered if I was awful reading this. It would send me over the edge and it would ruin my week but it’s so hard to explain why, it makes me so uncomfortable.