To find this horrendously unattractive

[TheSleepiestOne]

DP is a bit of an Elevenarife and either it’s getting worse or I’m just losing the patience to deal with it. I’ve been bent over double for two days with vomiting and a headache but somehow been able to run around after a toddler with an infant strapped to my chest. Still breastfeeding even though I’ve not eaten in over 48 hours. DP is off today. “Brilliant”, I think, “some help with the children and a chance to get some rest!”

No such luck. DP has been staggering around, huffing and puffing about stomach cramps. Logical, you might think. If one of us is ill it’s likely the other will catch it. Not quite. My symptoms are an adverse reaction to anaesthetic.

Thinking back, I don’t think I’ve ever had an illness or injury where DP hasn’t instantly had the same or worse. I actually can’t remember a single occasion.

So now Mrs Muggins is off to the park with the dog and children so they don’t have to stay in the dark house where all the curtains have been drawn to aid the banishment of the phantom cramps.

YABU - have a bit of empathy, the man’s clearly unwell

YANBU - this is off putting

Ugh, you have my sympathy OP.
Similar happened to me; first met my DP when I had 'mono', he sweetly brought me jugs of juices as I 'had to drink a lot'.

However, what he also did was begin to mimic my symptoms!

He never did get mono, but I felt badly that he might.

Throughout our early years together, he seemed to get a sore throat when I did, he 'thought' he had a cold when I did, at least he didn't get morning sickness and labour pains when I did, but it seems that every minor illness, he had to have it too!

Luckily I seldom get ill, but if I do have a rare episode of Vertigo and not be able to get up as usual, he ignores me.
I'm lucky if he remembers to come up and ask how I am or ask if I need or would like something.

It's hurt me so much, and I hope your DP doesn't turn out like that, it's very upsetting to not even be asked how you're feeling by someone who's supposed to have your back.

That’s horrendous @localhere just awful how utterly selfish of the man.I know what I would have been snipping of your DP’s and it wouldn’t have been his frenulum. I am glad to read he is an exDP. I hope your little one is OK now.

He sounds annoying. But I would suggest you are both exaggerating a bit, if you are running around the park with two young children - you clearly are not doubled up vomiting, and nausea from anaesthetic doesn't usually last for days.

TBH and I know this isn't what you want to hear after an op and still BF a baby.
But it's taking 'in sickness and health' to a new level!

(Never heard of Eleven.... whatever BTW!)

I wouldn't be with a man like this, especially as you say it's a behaviour he repeats.

In a marriage you need a partner to step up and help out at times like this.

I'd not have gone to the park. All you've done is confirm that it's 'okay' for him to behave like this.

If you want to change how he behaves you've got to change YOU.

That means not enabling his stupid behaviour by making it clear you won't tolerate it.

I'm a bit sceptical though that you've not eaten for 48 hours (anything?) and are off to the park.

He’s my father, reincarnated.
If my mother was ill you could guarantee he’d take to his bed soon after.
And everyone had to hear about it. In great detail. 🤢

Do people not realise being single is an option? If me and my Husband split, I really would stay single, especially if this is what is out there. I just don't get it and so many saying this is what their other half is like, it's a little depressing how many people tolerate lousy partners.

My male friend is like this - someone has a cold and he has full blown flu. Someone has a headache and he’s ’caught’ it off them but prob has a brain tumour. He once stroked a cat and was so obsessed with having caught worms from the cat (the cat didn’t have them) he went and got tablets. Because there was a bubble in the toilet after a poo so he was positive he was riddled. He made all his family be treated. Hypochondriac.

He should be looking after the kids - it’s not pleasant after an anaesthetic and you should be resting!

Mine does this too. He is a toxic abusive bully on a final warning that I will consult a divorce lawyer.

Is there terminology for what they are doing? I had an op and said I had pain in a specific area and he claimed he had pain there so couldn’t share the load. Just one example of many. Not hypochondria in his case. Just some bizarre mirroring to carry on bullying rather than show empathy and help/be normal.

Nausea from GA can last days unfortunately. I don't blame her from not being able to stand the sight of him!

And people don't believe me when I say I am happily divorced. Threads like this make me so sad

I say this in all earnestness, speak to him about it now, otherwise it will quietly erode your marriage. 24 years of me being a martyr cos I can’t stand confrontation has really ended any feelings I had for him. Before kids he was my best friend. But all family/kids work left to me as well as working full time kills any relationship. He earns the main money so in his eyes it was fair. I never protested even when I spent ten years in the midst of post natal depression/depression and now I’m in a room mate situation where there is no love apart from for the teenage kids. I should have spoken up even if it got me nowhere.

I heard about this term from DH!

You had me onside with your first sentence - . I cannot stand folk like that. Hope you feel better soon.

Completely agree.

Amateur psychologist opinion:

I think for some men, their wife is not just a wife (ie someone they are on an equal footing with) - they also represent their mother. A mother always has to be strong to look after their 'child'.

The minute you are unwell, he regresses into an unwell child in need of mummy's care to reassert the natural order.

Sounds like a bloody nightmare. Like childcare and housework is an optional for men when they are well enough, but if they aren’t, well then obviously that’s the woman’s default job anyway, right?

Surely even if he were to be genuinely the “sickest” (as if), that fact is that you are also unwell means you also need time to rest today and he should step in for a bit at some point at absolute minimum.

Next time could you call his bluff and suggest some kind of paid childcare / housework option if you’re both too ill to look after kids - see if his symptoms magically vanish if he has to open the wallet?

I don’t know about other women on here (I do, but I don't want to speak for anyone else) but I've taken care of my child while seriously, seriously ill in the past. I'm talking raging fever, dizzy, sick, delirious, in-need-of-hospital-treatment ill.

Why? Because I literally had to. Women do this shit all the time.

OP, it is so disappointing when you realise that you have ended up with a loser like this.
And men are surprised when women cannot bring themselves to have sex with them.
Maternity leaves are the worst thing for these men.
Be very careful that you do not end creating an imbalance that is massively difficult to step back from.
I see this as absolutely deliberately manipulative to prevent him ever having to care for anyone but himself.

It may be unpopular here to write it, but it is often associated with abusive relationships.

I hope you have family and friends close to you for support because this is often a huge nail in a marriage coffin.

My advice is what my friend did when she felt a similar pattern was developing.

When he was "well" again, she told him that she was deeply deeply disappointed to have noticed the pattern developing and that it was hugely impacting how she viewed him as a husband and a partner. She said she now felt with a young child she couldn't get sick at all as he would immediately come down with something.
He of course denied it completely as a coincidence but when she was next ill, he remained well.

Privately she told me that it was a definite factor, one of several in her decision to absolutely say no to a second child.
Fundamentally she no longer trusted him and she felt it very important that she maintained her career and move forward.
They are still together but live quite separate lives, coming together for their son.
Mind yourself OP.

Do it to him next time he has a headache/toothache/virus. Maybe he’ll get the message then.

Go home
Go to bed
Tell him he’s in charge

My partner did this with my pregnancy symptoms it did my head in. But I think he genuinely thought there was something wrong (there wasn't as the symptoms miraculously cleared up with no treatment).

Yanbu. I know you're joking, but I think it's awful that your partner is doing this to you. It's disgusting behaviour. I'd be going home, handing him the dc, and taking myself off to bed. It is deeply deeply unattractive behaviour.

My ExH used to do this too, it was part of a pattern where I wasn't viewed as a human being with feelings or needs. Like I was another appliance in the house that he would get annoyed with for 'malfunctioning'.

He'd feign illness so he wouldn't need to show any care for me or my wellbeing and then when I'd recovered the washing/cleaning etc would be waiting for me as he'd been too sick to pick up any slack. Pathetic manchild!

OP, you say you had an adverse reaction to anaesthetic. So, apologies if I am wrong, you potentially are recovering from an operation/small surgery on top of it all? I’m sorry your partner hasn’t stepped up when you need him the most.

Oh my god literally just about to ask about this!? I'm always picking up runny noses & viruses (teacher) plus my son is in primary school sneezing on & being sneezed on daily but my OH never tries the "elevenrife" on, I don't think I'd have the patience but maybe he'd say the same if I was in a dressing gown of doom at every sneeze