To find this horrendously unattractive

[TheSleepiestOne]

DP is a bit of an Elevenarife and either it’s getting worse or I’m just losing the patience to deal with it. I’ve been bent over double for two days with vomiting and a headache but somehow been able to run around after a toddler with an infant strapped to my chest. Still breastfeeding even though I’ve not eaten in over 48 hours. DP is off today. “Brilliant”, I think, “some help with the children and a chance to get some rest!”

No such luck. DP has been staggering around, huffing and puffing about stomach cramps. Logical, you might think. If one of us is ill it’s likely the other will catch it. Not quite. My symptoms are an adverse reaction to anaesthetic.

Thinking back, I don’t think I’ve ever had an illness or injury where DP hasn’t instantly had the same or worse. I actually can’t remember a single occasion.

So now Mrs Muggins is off to the park with the dog and children so they don’t have to stay in the dark house where all the curtains have been drawn to aid the banishment of the phantom cramps.

YABU - have a bit of empathy, the man’s clearly unwell

YANBU - this is off putting

I've not had a sick day in ten years other than a month off to have my appendix removed due to appendicitis. In that time my EX husband must have been so sick he couldn't get out of be at least 100 times, no shit. Hence the ex husband. Absolute drain on my resources 😏

Honestly? I’d snap.

It's much worse than just being unattractive. He doesn't care or step up with the kids when you're ill?

I'd be throwing the painkillers at him - followed by both children, then off to bed only to be disturbed for breastfeeding. I'm quite robust but in your situation I'd need to rest and recover.

Agreed very unattractive and actually quite worrying for the future.

Make a difference for yourself, would you?
It's so bloody depressing.
🙁

OP, can you pretend to take yourself to A&E because your symptoms have got so bad, and go to your parents' or a friend's instead for a few hours' rest?

I actually cite this as the number one reason for divorcing my ex husband.

Stop!

When you feel better and you have energy, read him the riot act. It’s worse than unattractive. It’s appalling.

Eh I'd find it equally irritating if someone claimed to be doubled over but was running around and going to the park.

and you have chosen to have more than one child with him ?

I actually feel ragey on your behalf, OP. What a prick. Why are so many women in relationships with such utter bellends - is this just the state of modern man/marriage, or is this just what Mumsnet is making me believe?!

So unattractive. Any of this “who but me”, “I’m definitely worse off than you”, “I can’t possibly push through” behavior is an instant blegh.

I totally sympathise with you @TheSleepiestOne his behaviour is clearly not only deeply unattractive but relationship damaging.

Please dont be a martyr. Eventually your resentment will grow so much that you'll despise him (if you don't already). I can understand why you don't feel you have the energy to tackle this right now - but you really should. You need to point it out to him while its obvious the unfairness of you carrying on with childcare etc whilst ill - yet he doesn't.

Putting it simply - if you don't tell him this behaviour is putting you off him - how is he supposed to change?

Brutal but true

Don’t be a martyr OP.

No blame on you, OP, but this is what they count on: being so extremely selfish, repeatedly, when you've not got it in you to argue.

I wouldn't just find it unattractive; I'd question the kind of person he is. He knows you are horribly poorly and doesn't give a shit. Not only is he not caring for you, he's hoovering up the care, attention and rest you need specifically so you have to do more than you normally would.

He's a c*nt.

Loving how só many posters divorced these pricks!

Why have you left the house with the kids while he gets to stay in OP?

Read the fucker the riot act. Give him the kids, have a good feed and go to bed for a bit. Don't martyr yourself.

Seriously dude, get the fucker told in decibels.

I’ve got one of these too.

Does he have a special ill voice?

I really think it's because women are socialised to see being in relationships as where they get their worth and value. Even if they're the one doing everything to keep it together/get it going in the first place.

I can understand why you don't feel you have the energy to tackle this right now - but you really should.

She's literally said she doesn't have the energy. It's what he's counting on, so it's probably not helpful to start on with it here as well.

You need to point it out to him while its obvious the unfairness of you carrying on with childcare etc whilst ill - yet he doesn't.

He knows it's unfair. That's why he does it.

Putting it simply - if you don't tell him this behaviour is putting you off him - how is he supposed to change?

The same way women manage to change: by knowing their behaviour is selfish and stopping it before their partner leaves them. Are you seriously suggesting OP is responsible for changing this man by telling him that his deliberate selfishness is off-putting?

My husband is a bit like this. I had a very awful flu a month or so ago and as I started feeling unwell, knowing it was going to be bad I basically threatened him. I said if you even mention feeling unwell to me I will smother you with a pillow. He got a bit ill after I was recovered (probably tired from having to do things round the house) and did actually look after me. I think being called out on it ahead of time made him realise I knew perfectly well that he says he's ill to get out of pulling a bit of extra weight when I'm unwell. It's hard to call them out on it when they've already said they're unwell because they just clamp down harder and act like you're being very unfair.

I don't even know if they realise they're doing it or if it's some sort of modern evolutionary thing that kicks in because some men are so hardwired to be lazy shits

Hope you feel better

I doubt I would have got with a man who was like this in the first place.
DH is the opposite - won't admit when he's ill (which is not often, admittedly), goes off out running when he's ill.
Still, better than the alternative.

What on earth is an elenarif
Before anyone suggests I google it, I have. Nada

It’s as if they see sympathy or rest as being a pie, and if you’re ill they worry you’ll nick their bit of it, so they quickly have to reassert their right to claim it. It’s infuriating.

when/if you can be bothered maybe you could wonder aloud where he picked up his bug. Couldn’t have been from you, as yours isn’t a bug. Maybe he needs to wash his hands better when he’s at work or out and about 🤔

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Elevenerife

Someone who likes to one up people. If you say you've been to Tenerife, they've been to elevenirife