To find this horrendously unattractive

[TheSleepiestOne]

DP is a bit of an Elevenarife and either it’s getting worse or I’m just losing the patience to deal with it. I’ve been bent over double for two days with vomiting and a headache but somehow been able to run around after a toddler with an infant strapped to my chest. Still breastfeeding even though I’ve not eaten in over 48 hours. DP is off today. “Brilliant”, I think, “some help with the children and a chance to get some rest!”

No such luck. DP has been staggering around, huffing and puffing about stomach cramps. Logical, you might think. If one of us is ill it’s likely the other will catch it. Not quite. My symptoms are an adverse reaction to anaesthetic.

Thinking back, I don’t think I’ve ever had an illness or injury where DP hasn’t instantly had the same or worse. I actually can’t remember a single occasion.

So now Mrs Muggins is off to the park with the dog and children so they don’t have to stay in the dark house where all the curtains have been drawn to aid the banishment of the phantom cramps.

YABU - have a bit of empathy, the man’s clearly unwell

YANBU - this is off putting

Of course it’s unattractive, surely it’s worse than that, it would be a deal breaker for me if he genuinely is just pretending to be ill while you are poorly he’s an awful father and husband. If he can’t see that he should step up and help you i don’t know why you would continue this relationship to be honest.

Good grief! Thank you

There's a link in the post above mine. We all know someone like that I think. Pain in the arses they are.

I like the idea of getting in their first and telling he dares to say he's ill just to get out of parenting. He might squash it.

I'm so fucking glad I'm single

I have never met a man who would complain about 'stomach cramps' unless they had a volvulus and were about to drop down dead.
What a fucking baby. And why the fuck would a darkened house ease stomach cramps? Did you tell him to either use some OTC medication, see a doctor or shut up. Tell him he's not as ill as you so tough tits.

I just dont understand this, multiple people saying they are married to someone like this, why do so many people tolerate it and accept a partner that isnt a partner but is actually useless and a bit of a twat.

My view is you get one life, why on earth waste it with someone like this? I would love to understand. Of course you dont know in the beginning, but when you realise, why just accept oh my Husband is useless, oh well.

I would not have left with the kids, if anything I would have said im not well, you can do some parenting feeling less than 100% in the same way I have for days, I need some time to myself.

Its rubbish for you OP that you feel so lousy but you also have the ability to do something about it, you know he is useless, that isnt changing so the only person that can change the situation is you.

Resentment can be corrosive.

Ask me how I know...

Has he got the poorly voice?
Slight cough?

Ugh. Deeply unattractive, and YANBU. My dh used to attempt this whilst his dm was alive, and he'd get her over to fuss over him whist I worked and did childcare. Nothing serious, just the odd bad cold, but his dm took such joy in looking after her baby boy that I'd leave them to it. If he gets ill now (far less frequently now his dm has passed away), I will help him, but in a brisk busy way, because going by past experience, he's not actually that bad. If I'm ill, I will tell him directly exactly what's required. If he ever so much as questioned or frowned, or god forbid, sighed, I'd ask if there was a problem. Could he explain exactly why he questioned, frowned or sighed. I don't let him get away with shit like that at all. I sound harsh don't I? a real dragon? well I'm not. We've been together for 30 years and laugh every day. We love each other very much, but it takes time to train foolish selfish behaviour out of a man if he's been raised to think of himself as a little prince. Correcting his bad behaviour has been good for our marriage. We have had discussions about it and he does agree. He says his dm pandered to his late dad that way, and seemed to accept it as her lot. Retraining a man out of it is good for him, your marriage and your children's perception of what a healthy equal partnership should be.

Absolutely. The bigger picture is vast here.

So many replies! I’m feeling a lot less alone in it, thank you. The ‘ill voice’ made me laugh because yes, he has a really quite breathy voice that comes out at these times.

He wasn’t like this when we met. In fact, what drew me to him is that he came across as a very competent, modern man type. I went back to work quickly after DC1 and we split child-care outside of work hours and didn’t see each other as much. Now I’m taking a longer chunk of maternity leave with DC2 I’m seeing it more. And now, thinking back he’s been this way since way before DC’s but I just didn’t notice it/it didn’t bother me.

When I get back I will be getting myself to bed but at least I’ll know the DCs have been out and the older one has burnt off a bit of nutty toddler energy.

Would you? How odd. To be equally irritated by someone complaining but otherwise carrying on and not inconveniencing you in the least, as you would by someone you believed to be faking illness in order to do nothing? Would you not mind having to pick up the slack?

This is one of the most hilariously horrendous things I have read on Mumsnet….your partner got his own fucking tongue tie snipped ahead of his newborn baby?!?!?!

I mean, he’s your ex so I probably don’t have to ask, but how did you even look at him with a straight face ever again?!

If he's genuinely putting it on, I'm afraid I would have to tell him - to his face - to fucking get a grip, support his wife, and look after his children. It's absolutely pathetic that you can't get a bit of a rest after what you've been through over the past couple of days.

Was thinking the same
According to MN all the good men are taken🙄Really!!

My. Good. God.

They actually carried out surgery he didn't need?

Me too. On a page that came up during googling one mum with 2 children said if you had an elephant, she'd have a box to put it in. 😂

Sorry for your troubles OP, he's a prize idiot, but you have made me laugh.

Seems like all the crap men are taken too 😂

Then there's the flip side to this, men who refuse to look after themselves and won't go to the doctor even though their leg is broken 🙄

I can totally sympathise. My dh doesn't necessarily make out he is worse or trumph my symptoms, however every time I am ill or have something sore, literally within 24 hours, he will develop something. He isn't usually the attention seeking type so I find it odd, but without fail, he does get ill or have a pain every single time I do.

Maybe you need to remind your dh about the 'boy who cried wolf' story. I recently had a scan which showed up a suspicious cyst (thankfully turned out to be nothing to worry about). The day after this scan, dh started complaining about a stabbing pain in his side. I thought "here we go again" and was annoyed that he had developed this pain when I had my own medical worry to contend with like he always does. However his pain turned out to be pneumonia and he was in hospital for nearly a fortnight on oxygen and a high dose of anti biotics. I felt so guilty, however at the same time, what was I meant to think given the timing and his history!

My point being, it isn't fair on you as one day there might be something really wrong with him and like me, you'll just think "here we go". He's not really doing himself any favours either if one day he really is ill with something serious.

I'd have a word and question this behaviour. Not fair that you had to go out not feeling great and he got to rest at home.

😂

I hadn't heard of elevenerife but among my friends this is referred to as being a "topper" - no matter what you have, say or do they'll try to top it.

In our house the Zoolander coalmine cough is used (in jest) as a a shameless attempt to use minor sickness to duck out of something.

@localhere wins. Untoppable.

Well for a start off, these episodes are usually interspersed with if not good, at least tolerable behaviour that on balance women decide is better than having the even tougher life and reduced circumstances of being a single parent with an ex who's likely to be even less use sat in a bachelor flat across town, living the life of a single man. Its also boiling frog. Does anyone LTB the first time they suspect he's exaggerating illness? It takes a while to become a noticeable pattern, and they also tend to escalate it gradually. By the time women get to posting on here they are getting to boiling point and starting to think about change, hence sense checking with others. Its not like everyone who posts has been a doormat their whole lives encouraging, facilitating and playing the martyr.

Oh my god, I cannot believe it! Masterly use of elevenarifing, well done!
But joke aside, that is a horrendous display of wrong priorities, how awful you had to deal with that whilst having a newborn.

This is my DH. Annoying in its own way, actually, but I’d much prefer that to the ridiculous way your husband is carrying on op. I’m afraid to say you summed it up well calling yourself Mrs Muggins for cracking on and parenting on your own rather than resting… but I don’t really know what the answer is, given this is established behaviour from your husband and he’s unlikely to just snap out of it when told he’s being a massive twat 😅

That would drive me mad, I would bank this OP and suddenly fall ill with “women’s problems” in a few days and pack him off with the kids for a few hours so you can recover, I would love to see how he reacts to that.

My view is that as parents you don’t get to opt out when you feel rough. Obviously if it’s something like flu and they are genuinely bed bound, then my partner gets my sympathy and I will bring the chicken soup etc… Other than that, I acknowledge they feel shite, cut them some slack if needed (e.g. go for a nap for an hour or so) get them to medicate and then carry on the day, treating them as normal.

I don’t have the time, nor the patience for this kind of fuckery.