Does anyone with older than average parents, feel resentful at times?

[Hisaronu1234]

Feel so selfish for writing this but been one of those weekends where there have been a few reminders that I won’t have my parents for as long/ won’t be as fit and healthy ETC (speaking on average, yes I know some people can get ill/pass away whenever) as most people my age.

So I am 30 and my brother is 37, our Mother is 68 and our dad is 75, despite getting the ‘ is that your Mum/Nan, Dad/Grandad ‘ awkward questions when we were younger, ( more for me than my brother) as an adult it never really bothers me, they are both pretty independent, drive , walk their dog, had a few knee/hip ops between them but soon recovered ETC, My dad in particular looks quite young for his age and considering he is from a different era/old school , I can honestly say I have never heard him utter a single prejudice/cynical word (like some elderly do due to lack of understanding) which makes me proud , but a few things this weekend has put the age gap into perspective.
One being on Friday I was at a dear friend’s wedding, she herself is a little older than me but her parents must have been in their early 20’s when they had her, and were getting really stuck in , helping with the kids, dancing, etc
I couldn’t help but feel, if I was to get married at a similar age (mid 30s-40s) and have kids, my parents would not be able to get as stuck in as I or they would like.
Then on Saturday, My dad mis read/got confused over a text message regarding the time of a coach leaving for away support for our local football team that he was attending with my brother, he was mortified and it meant messing the man who organises it around ( and potentially losing him money – although on this occasion I don’t think the coach was full/had a reserve list) and him and my brother having to very quickly jump in their car and drive the other end of the country ( any other occasion they would probably have not bothered but they were meeting a friend up there as they don’t live local and was in possession of their ticket), it doesn’t sound like the end of the world I know, but it was a bit of a bad ‘faux pas’ that messed quite a few people around.
It really highlighted how old my dad is and bad with technology etc and I feel so selfish for even moaning about this but sometimes I just can’t help comparing them to friends parents and wishing things were a bit different.

Anyone else in a similar situation?

I understand. Different situation here with a father who died young, in-laws who were completely disinterested and so on. I would have been considered a young carer although that wasn't a thing then.
People are dealt so many different cards and we really just have to make the best of what we have but I can't help but look at people with both parents who are enjoying retirement together and it's not even the support I miss, it's just having those sorts of deep roots that I feel I've lost.

I understand how you feel. But your parents aren't older than average for your age. They are the average age for your age from my experience. And I'm saying that as someone who had her children early 20s. I'm one of the youngest mums at school.

Sounds like you’re feeling sorry for yourself in advance of any issues actually affecting you? Try and live a bit more in the present and deal with those issues (if they exist) when they happen.

Your parents aren't that old tbh.

Your dad is probably older than the average dad but if your brother is 37 and your mum was 31 when she had him that's really not old or unusual! My mum is 77 going on 78 and still runs around after my nephews! She's fitter and healthier than most people half her age.

Your parents are not hugely old for your age. Did your mum have you when she was 37?

Focus on the great things about your parents. You said your dad has a really good attitude. Focus on the lovely things you can do together.

Very few people have a perfect situation.

you said your parents are together, relatively healthy and pretty independent yet you’re moaning and complaining about them. I know many people who would love to be in your position but sadly have lost one or both parents or have parents who are ill/struggling. It sounds like your dad just made a one off mistake re the match.

plenty of people also don’t get help with childcare from their parents. Seems an odd thing to fixate on - especially as I presume you’re not going to impose ‘old parents’ on a child so most likely you’re not going to have children as your mother was 31 having your brother and you are already 30 @Hisaronu1234 ?

OP I hear you. My parents had me in their early 40s. My oldest sibling is 10 years older than me. They were able to be very involved in caring their first few grandchildren but now I am having my own DC (toddler and expecting number 2) they are much less able to help (they do what they can but obviously it's different compared to what they could do 10-12 years ago). Pil can only provide very limited support due to health problems.

My parents are both relatively healthy for their age (late 70s) but I know that this will only deteriorate. I don't really have any advice other than just accepting the situation as it is and reaching out and developing all aspects of your support network. Its hard and I understand where you are coming from 💐

Flipping heck! 68 isnt old to be a mum of a 30 and 37 year old! I’m 68 and all of mine are in their 30’s and early 40’s, they’ve never ever thought of me as an older than average parent!

Your parents are not old for your age!

DH and I only have 1 surviving parent between us. We are late 30s, so I’d much prefer your situation.
We always want what we haven’t got.

I don’t think your parents are old compared to your age. Your brother is 37 therefore mum was 31 when she had him which isn’t old. Dad is slightly older but not excessively..

MY DD 21 has a friend whose dad is 68. So in comparison I think that’s a huge gap but not yours.

there is 27 Yeats between my mum and I and at 76 she is off walking 10 miles each Saturday, plays bowls and gala ants all over the country by bus. She says she still feels younger.

Mis-reading a message, prejudice and not being fit enough to help with an activity aren't problems restricted to the elderly, not that your parents are elderly anyway.

Sorry but your post comes across as a bit prejudiced about "elderly" people. Are you just embarrassed by your parents because of their age, not what they can and can't do (and it sounds like they do a lot)?

Funny - both our age and parents age are the same. I know exactly how you feel. I think our generation had younger parents as it's much more usual now to have a child at 37, but certainly my parents were one of the oldest in the class.

I'm an only child and definitely notice my dad depending on me more. He looks more frail, gets more confused and is slowing down.

I found I rushed milestones in life like having children earlier so my parents had more chance of being around to share the moments with me.

My mum was 16 years younger than my dad. She was 25 and he was almost 40 when I was born. She died at 57 and my dad lived until 90. Best advice live in the present and deal with issues as they arise

I expected to read that your parents had you in their 40’s or later not in their 30’s and you have an older sibling! Your parents are not older parents they are average. Think you need to give your head a wobble.

My dad was 40 when l was born - died when l was 29. But he was always old.
Dh was 45 when DD was born but is young at heart.
Your parents aren't that old - deoends in their personality

Yes, for many different reasons, over the years. Right now, because I'm 35, pregnant with my second child, and my mum is 78. She has never looked after herself (eaten well or kept active) and she's now been in hospital for 2 months for multiple health issues. We have a strained relationship anyway and I've not been expected to deal with it as I live 100 miles away but she is showing no signs of wanting to get better. I wish she'd have just kept herself healthy so she could have a relationship with her grandchildren.

But also as PP said, your parents aren't that old? I'll be only just 36 when I have my second and final child, my mum had just turned 43. I think the difference (I hope) will be that I really want to look after myself so I can keep healthy for my future grandchildren. I don't think of myself as 'old' but then perhaps my parents didn't either.

My partner's parents had him in their mid 20s and you could say they were perhaps a bit young to be parents - they will readily admit that they didn't have the patience or life experience that is useful for looking after little children - but they're now only in their early 60s and they've also really looked after themselves, so they have a great relationship with their grandchildren. Their attitude towards children is also very different.

I don't think your parents are that old to be honest! The age gap between you mum and brother is the same as between me and my eldest child, and I am normal age for having children amongst my peers. I'd never though ght anything of it! The age gap between you and your parents isn't that unusual.

And ... you have what seem to be a loving and caring mum and dad. A mum and dad that are both still together(?), and no abuse or neglect etc... That is rare in itself and something you should feel grateful for.

This is a total non issue OP! You have a lovely mum and dad that are getting older as is normal.

I grew up with a single mum. She was a normal age when having me but wasn't able to play much with my children due to heart problems. She died when my children were young. That's life.

Be grateful for what you have and don't compare yourself and your family to others.

My mum was a relatively young mum… early - mid 20s when she had me and my brothers. Died of cancer when she was 57. You don’t have elderly parents, they’re a very reasonable age and they’re still with you. Appreciate what you have.

But this isnt that old for your age? When you were born, your mum was 38 and people asked if she was your grandma?
This worries me as I didn’t successfully conceive dd until I was 39, I do wish id been able to have more time with her 😔

It is going to be a problem going forward. 2 generations of DCs at 35 equals not being a grandparent until 70. So likely too old to do much childcare.

It's yet another cause of the decreasing birth rate.

Also adult children of the future won't have living grandparents.

sounds rather immature of you. And if you’re 30 and haven’t had any children yet, please don’t as you don’t want to inflict your old self on your adult children.

Sounds like you’re feeling sorry for yourself in advance of any issues actually affecting you? Try and live a bit more in the present and deal with those issues (if they exist) when they happen.

This^. Your mum was approx 31 when she had your brother. Tbh that's only one year older than you are now. And if you were to have a child in the immediate future , you'd be no different from your mum. Theres no guarantee you'll be able to have a second soon after your first. You could very well have your second (if you want one), much later. So if it affects you so much how comes you are not doing anything to stop your own (future) child from feeling the way you do right now? Its because life happens and there are somethings in life that we just can't control, and this applies to everyone , including your parents. It's not all about "me, me,me", "my parents won't be able to dance at my wedding", "my parents won't be able to give me free childcare". Your future children's situation is not going to be much different from the looks of it tbh. The only difference might be the age of their dad, and that's about it.