Does anyone with older than average parents, feel resentful at times?

[Hisaronu1234]

Feel so selfish for writing this but been one of those weekends where there have been a few reminders that I won’t have my parents for as long/ won’t be as fit and healthy ETC (speaking on average, yes I know some people can get ill/pass away whenever) as most people my age.

So I am 30 and my brother is 37, our Mother is 68 and our dad is 75, despite getting the ‘ is that your Mum/Nan, Dad/Grandad ‘ awkward questions when we were younger, ( more for me than my brother) as an adult it never really bothers me, they are both pretty independent, drive , walk their dog, had a few knee/hip ops between them but soon recovered ETC, My dad in particular looks quite young for his age and considering he is from a different era/old school , I can honestly say I have never heard him utter a single prejudice/cynical word (like some elderly do due to lack of understanding) which makes me proud , but a few things this weekend has put the age gap into perspective.
One being on Friday I was at a dear friend’s wedding, she herself is a little older than me but her parents must have been in their early 20’s when they had her, and were getting really stuck in , helping with the kids, dancing, etc
I couldn’t help but feel, if I was to get married at a similar age (mid 30s-40s) and have kids, my parents would not be able to get as stuck in as I or they would like.
Then on Saturday, My dad mis read/got confused over a text message regarding the time of a coach leaving for away support for our local football team that he was attending with my brother, he was mortified and it meant messing the man who organises it around ( and potentially losing him money – although on this occasion I don’t think the coach was full/had a reserve list) and him and my brother having to very quickly jump in their car and drive the other end of the country ( any other occasion they would probably have not bothered but they were meeting a friend up there as they don’t live local and was in possession of their ticket), it doesn’t sound like the end of the world I know, but it was a bit of a bad ‘faux pas’ that messed quite a few people around.
It really highlighted how old my dad is and bad with technology etc and I feel so selfish for even moaning about this but sometimes I just can’t help comparing them to friends parents and wishing things were a bit different.

Anyone else in a similar situation?

Really not that old. My mum had me at 30, and I had my youngest at 37, so my 5 year old has grandparents in their 70's. Who are both really active, able to take them for days out, swing them around the dance floor.

My parents are older (my dad died at 90 when I was 40). But I think the things you have mentioned can happen at any age! Lots of people can’t get used to technology or struggle with it. It’s so fast moving these days! My Dad couldn’t work a mobile or the VHS we had in the 80s. It’s just one of those things.

And me and my friends often get confused with even the simple things these days. I don’t think it’s down to old age though, it’s just that technology isn’t fool proof and doesn’t always work how it should. And it can be confusing even for people used to it!

This post has got to be a windup

This looks like a very carefully worded post to play on some MNetters insecurities.

Badly done though as the OP didn't go 'old enough'.

People are pointing out that the OP’s parents weren’t old and I think that’s true now (average age of a first time mother is 31 or so I believe) but probably less so 30-40 years ago (although still not particularly odd I would have thought).

My mother had her children in her 20s, and growing up she was of a similar age to all my friends’ parents, and I’ve then had my own children in my 30s, which again feels totally typical. Things changed in one generation.

I am hoping for a 3rd child in my late 30s now and tbh I still don’t feel particularly old. If we’re lucky to have another one I certainly don’t expect to stand out as old at school and at the playground.

My parents were 42 when they had me, and genuinely did get mistaken for my grandparents a few times when I was primary school age in the early 90's.Perhaps because I had much older siblings- with one particularly unpleasant individual insinuating that my sister, who was 20 when I was born, must have been my real mum, which was definitely not true!

My parents are in their 80s now, and have a lovely relationship with my DS (10). They were never in the frame for babysitting anyway, geographically, but have a great time when we visit, building forts in the garden and teaching him card games. No, they're unlikely to be around when he's grown up, but that could be the case for anyone.

My parents were mid thirties when their second child (me) was born. They were a bit older than the parents of many of my friends, I think, although they told me they were 24/25 until I was 7 It wasn't them who died young though, it was my sibling.

When I was a child I would definitely have preferred them to be younger, but had long gotten over that by the time I was an adult. My mum is long dead, and my cousins, whose parents had them early to late thirties too, have also lost them probably slightly earlier than average. Sometimes it can be slightly jarring when talking to people in their late 50s/60s and realising at least one and sometimes both of their parents are still alive. But I imagine caring for a frail, infirm relative when you yourself are pushing 60 brings its own challenges!

So overall, I think complaining about parents who had you at the 'advanced' age of 30 (!) something is a very first world problem. People have been having kids in their 30s and beyond since the dawn of time - it's nothing new and childbearing at any age brings its own advantages and disadvantages.

Your mum was only 38 when she had you, is that old?

I'm afraid this was my thought.

I thought you were going to say they were in their 80's! Just be glad you still have them.

You do realise the age gap between your dad's friend and her dad is only 2 years different to the op and her dad?

So overall, I think complaining about parents who had you at the 'advanced' age of 30 (!) something is a very first world problem.

Particularly when the OP is then talking about committing the same crime (that of settling down and having children in her thirties!) herself. Re-reading the OP this is the bit that confuses me the most.
So the OP’s mother had her first child at 31, and that was old, but at 30 without children the OP isn’t old?

How would her having you when she was younger make any difference?

In many ways for the children it's worse if the parents are really young - it means the "children" could be caring for/worrying about their parents when they are in their 60s and 70s when they'd probably like to be free of the worry.

I'm a very similar age to OP and I can't think of a single one of my classmates who didn't have a similar age gap with their parents.

Her mum had her brother at 30 and she was born when mum was 37/38 - that really isn't old by any stretch and it's hardly abnormal for the time either.

I can see where you are coming from. My parents had me in their 40s and there are times where it can get difficult as they are both very old school with their views, and are very out of touch with the modern world (old fashioned opinions and ways of working, etc), and are also going very downhill. Both are showing signs of onset dementia, my dad can't walk and refusing outside help. Both have had minor falls and only.goimg to continue.

All my friends and my dh have parents a lot younger so I am through it alone and feel like I can't talk to anyone. I feel so isolated with it, and live in a state of constant worry and anxiety. I hate to say, at times a little resentful.

Everyone gets dealt a different hand, I think you are overthinking this. Life isn't perfect. Focus on the good stuff. There's no guarantee for any of us that our parents will even have a long life - my Dad died at 59. I try and cherish the time I had with him rather than wishing life was different.

I'm not sure what any of that has to do with her age when she had you? Choosing not to use technology or order a taxi is nothing to do with how old she was when she became a parent

So your mum was 31 when she had your brother and 38 when she had you? You are 30 and presumably not married or children yet? Seems a bit hypothetical to be complaining about tbh!

OP, my dear mum was almost 36 when she had me (her first child) and my sibling was born 3 years later. I lost her when she was 97. I loved her dearly and was devastated to have to say goodbye. But though she definitely was from 'a different era' as you put it (served in WW2 etc), she was the funniest, most lovable person ever, and more like my contemporary. We had such a good time together.

From the other side of this, having lost (both) parents now, please just focus on having a great relationship with your mum and dad and enjoy being with them. You really will value that in times to come.

PS I have to smile a bit at your comment that your DPs are 'quite independent, drive' etc - I’m not too far off your DM's age and I work, using specialist computer programs; am up to date with most tech; regularly drive 400-mile motorway journeys etc. We're just normal people, you know!

It is in our nature to compare situations but I would suggest taking a step back and realising that you are comparing something that isn't so black and white. For example, some people's parents might be late 50's but have a much older mindset or health issues that mean they can't be super involved with kids and up dancing at weddings either.

My in laws had my dh at a similar age and are in their early 70's. They love us and are there for us as much as possible which we appreciate so much. However it does seem unfortunate that just as we have young children they are suddenly seeming more frail. It's a shame for them as I'm sure they would like to be more involved and are still very young minded but the physical demands of small children are too much for them really.

My own parents are 10-15 years younger, and my stepmum is in her late 40's. They all still work full time though so it's not like they can be super involved either despite them being more physically able.

Did you have your kids in your early 20s?

Sorry your parents are not old of your age. Were you brought up in a more working class area where it is common practice to have parents far younger than average? Not being rude, genuine question?

@LindorDoubleChoc yeah, I know. I guess I wish I didn't have to lose my dad when I was so young. But it wasn't their fault they had me older. They had two others years before that died.

Your parents aren't that old. They're fit and healthy at the moment so stop whinging. You'll regret feeling like this when they truly are struggling and require your help. You'll also wonder why you wasted the good years they had left feeling like this when they're gone. I may sound harsh, but I lost both my parents at a young age and I would love to have fit and healthy parents around.

I was 30;31,37 when I had my children. I definitely wasn’t in the minority 30 years ago amongst my friends.
People of all ages misread text messages,get the wrong dates and times …shit happens regardless of age .