Does anyone with older than average parents, feel resentful at times?

[Hisaronu1234]

Feel so selfish for writing this but been one of those weekends where there have been a few reminders that I won’t have my parents for as long/ won’t be as fit and healthy ETC (speaking on average, yes I know some people can get ill/pass away whenever) as most people my age.

So I am 30 and my brother is 37, our Mother is 68 and our dad is 75, despite getting the ‘ is that your Mum/Nan, Dad/Grandad ‘ awkward questions when we were younger, ( more for me than my brother) as an adult it never really bothers me, they are both pretty independent, drive , walk their dog, had a few knee/hip ops between them but soon recovered ETC, My dad in particular looks quite young for his age and considering he is from a different era/old school , I can honestly say I have never heard him utter a single prejudice/cynical word (like some elderly do due to lack of understanding) which makes me proud , but a few things this weekend has put the age gap into perspective.
One being on Friday I was at a dear friend’s wedding, she herself is a little older than me but her parents must have been in their early 20’s when they had her, and were getting really stuck in , helping with the kids, dancing, etc
I couldn’t help but feel, if I was to get married at a similar age (mid 30s-40s) and have kids, my parents would not be able to get as stuck in as I or they would like.
Then on Saturday, My dad mis read/got confused over a text message regarding the time of a coach leaving for away support for our local football team that he was attending with my brother, he was mortified and it meant messing the man who organises it around ( and potentially losing him money – although on this occasion I don’t think the coach was full/had a reserve list) and him and my brother having to very quickly jump in their car and drive the other end of the country ( any other occasion they would probably have not bothered but they were meeting a friend up there as they don’t live local and was in possession of their ticket), it doesn’t sound like the end of the world I know, but it was a bit of a bad ‘faux pas’ that messed quite a few people around.
It really highlighted how old my dad is and bad with technology etc and I feel so selfish for even moaning about this but sometimes I just can’t help comparing them to friends parents and wishing things were a bit different.

Anyone else in a similar situation?

Your parents are not older for your age! My mum was 42 when I was born and my dad was 58, that was definitely a case of "is he your grandad?"

And couples now are often waiting till late 30s early or mid 40s to have kids.

They're fit and well! That is the main thing. Getting mixed up about a bus time is a non event.

Pros and cons to having kids in your 20s or 30s.

This.

70 year-old child of 35 year-old parents.

Parent at 40 and bloody grateful.

Grow the fuck -up, OP.

@Hisaronu1234 Read your own post. If you got married and had children mid 30s/early 40s you would be as old or older than your mum is now when your first child was 30. Making your mum a younger mum than you will be.

Even tech savvy people make mistakes and misunderstand things. Have you ever dealt with teenagers planning things?

I hope your parents don't realise how entitled and resentful you are.

Just re-read your OP, @Hisaronu1234

Resentful? Would you rather be dead?

It's surely normal to be 30 with a 68yr old dm nowadays as most women now have careers before having kids? I mean yes you get some who are grandmas at 50 but it isn't the norm.

I think YABU and you need to grow up.

I am your age. Both my mum and dad are the same age as your dad. Yes they’re older, but they’re fantastic parents and grandparents, and I treasure them.

They don’t do much “running around” anymore, but I value their conversation and advice. I am so lucky to have them.

You wouldn’t exist if they hadn’t chosen to have you when they did. So what’s the point in even dwelling on it?

I couldn’t help but feel, if I was to get married at a similar age (mid 30s-40s) and have kids, my parents would not be able to get as stuck in as I or they would like.

Well this is the same age they had you, so wouldn’t that be hugely hypocritical if that’s your plan? You’re just doing the same thing to your own children?

Personally I chose to have children early (in my 20s) so that my parents would get to enjoy being grandparents while they could still be active and involved. Best decision I ever made.

It is always hard when you reach the stage where your parents start showing some signs of ageing. It feels like it changes the family dynamic and isn't really related to your age. It would crap at 30, 40 or 50.

You never know what will happen anyway. My FIL died suddenly at the age of 71 before my DS was born. MIL was 71 when he was born and has been absolutely brilliant and hands on. She has only started to age in the last year since turning 79. My mum is 6 months younger than MIL and is bed bound in a nursing home.

I'm 31, brother is 34 and my parents a lot younger than your parents (but my nan was an 'older' nan which had some impact) and I'm starting to think about the future and them getting older and how sad it'll be. DH is 36 and his parents are slightly younger but the difference between his parents and my parents is really quite noticeable. I empathise with you OP, it plays on my mind quite a lot and always made me think I wanted to be a young mum myself for multiple reasons.
Slightly different but I know someone that lost both their parents in a tragic accident when they were in their early 20s...what they wouldn't give to have them around still regardless of age!

Totally understand what you mean. I’m 29 with a 75 year old father. My mother is 40 years older than me and died of cancer several years ago. I would do anything to have had more time with her, and for her to have lived long enough to meet her grandchildren. I had my first pregnancy at 27, my husband and I wanted to be younger parents to give ourselves the greatest chance of being actively involved in our children’s and hopefully grandchildren’s lives for as long as possible. Of course we never know how long any of us will live and we all hope to be healthy and independent in our 90s but it’s a fact of life that risk of death and disease increase with age. From a biological perspective the 20s is the ideal time to have children. That’s not to say I didn’t have fantastic parents and a great childhood but I wish I could have more time to enjoy them as an adult while they were/are in good health.

It's not necessarily their age.

My Mum is 68 and brilliant at anything online because she's had jobs where it was needed. My Dad is the same age (and now widowed, divorced from my Mum decades ago) and is useless at it all as never had the opportunity to learn.

He's now set in his ways and fearful of doing anything online so now he's widowed i'm doing a lot for him online.

I work with a 75 year old teacher who is brilliant at it all as learned through work over decades.

I get you. My parents were a bit older too and I always felt that. Ddad died last year at 78 and DM is frail and old at 76. I get that some elderly are still fit and healthy at 76 but not all are. She managed to help with my first kid for a few years till ill health took over. Now I have two primary aged kids and she suddenly needs more help than I can currently give. I do think it’s a big problem going forward. We don’t think we’re old having kids at 40 but then if our kids are 40 too we’re either 80 or dead by the time grandkids come around.

Sounds like you're overthinking a bit really OP. I see where you're coming from but honestly just take a step back and see your parents for who/what they are. They may be 'older' but they sound relatively fit and healthy, and that itself is such a blessing. My DF is relatively young and a year ago he was diagnosed with terminal C. He's otherwise super healthy and active, but seeing him play with my children (who are none the wiser) is heartbreaking because one day soon that might end.
I know everything is relative but some people have never had parents around or a family unit like you have and they would give anything for it. You sound very lucky in that you and your brother are able to enjoy time out with them etc making memories. Soon you will all laugh about missing the bus :)

It sounds like your parents are older than their time, especially your dad.

My mum is older than yours and I'm between you and your brother in age, I can't imagine anything like a hip operation in her near future, she's just booked to go backpacking around India. I wouldn't say she's Steve Jobs but she knows her way around iPad, email, and the software she needs to use for work. There's no difference between her and her 50 year old self other than a few more wrinkles and that she can't be bothered with hair dye any more!

Perhaps there's some underlying depression there? What about hobbies and getting out of the house and stuff? It sounds a bit like they've given up tbh.

I wonder if this is a wind up post(?)

The maths just don't add up.

OP has indicated she isn't married or with a long term partner, and isn't pregnant with even her first child yet (in fact her 'if I was to get married in my 30s to 40s and have kids'.. comment indicates a partner and child are likely still a long way off). So she will likely be older than her mum was at the time of being pregnant with her first child. Yet she is complaining about the age of her parents.

It just doesn't add up.

Do you mean not born? Why would the op be dead? Op I think you feel how you want don’t let anyone police that. But feelings aren’t facts. If everyone around you has younger parents and you are an outlier then yes that will make you think I wish I had that. That’s natural. But objectively they aren’t old or weren’t old when they had you.

what you’ll find though if you scratch beneath the surface is that friends with younger parents may have had shitty childhoods and other stuff . If they were parents who due to their ages had really affected your childhood adversely then that’s awful but you aren’t saying that?

I don't think that is that old to be honest. My mum was 40 when I came along (adopted), and I never thought of her as being loads older than my friend's parents. She died in her 90s and thought nothing of a 10 mile walk in her late 80s.

OP how old were you when you had your kids, or haven't you had all of them yet? Did you have them all before you were 25 so you could be a younger parent? 30 and 37 isn't that old.

Not for a moment.

They were 41 & 45 when the youngest of us was born and he has never had anyone ask him whether our parents were his grandparents (does this actually happen?).

I know what you mean OP. It’s not old by today’s standard but you are comparing to your peers and 30 years ago late 30s and mid 40s was relatively old to have a baby. Having said that, there are advantages to older parents (for example, they may be more stable, have their shit together etc)

My mum had me at 19 im pleased she did.
When i was in my 20s making my own life she was off doing her own thing and i didnt worry she was still young.
Shes now way in her 50s still acting like a teen on holiday.

My dad mis read/got confused over a text message regarding the time of a coach

Unless there's more to it, I don't think this necessarily has to do with your DF being old and bad with technology? I regularly mis-read messages...and often think I've responded to messages where in fact I've only responded in my head, and then get chased or people get grumpy with me not getting back to them.

I understand you feel your parents are older and you'll have less time with them than others but I think this is highly context dependent on you comparing yourself to others. If all your school friends had parents who had them as late teens/early 20s then yes it will feel like you're the outlier with older parents, but the opposite is also the case. DH and I had kids in our late 20s and so did my parents, but in both cases we were very much considered to have had kids super young - at age 40 with a 13 year old, we are the youngest parents in the year group by 8-10 years, I'd guess.

DH teaches secondary school aged kids and every parents evening he comes back having met parents in their 70s and even in one case an 81 year old dad with a 14 year old son.

Your mother was only 31 when she had your brother. That isn't old

Who is your resentment directed at? Hopefully, not your parents. If they had had children earlier, you may well not have been born. It would have been a different sperm and a different egg, therefore a completely different human being. I would focus on the advantages of my situation. Having engaged (if limited) grandparents, for example, rather than things no one can change.

Your mother’s purpose in life is not just to be a happy granny. They had a life long lbefore you were born. Your dad made a mistake and you’re catastrophising. I know you intended your post to be thoughtful, but it just seems very thoughtless.