Does anyone with older than average parents, feel resentful at times?

[Hisaronu1234]

Feel so selfish for writing this but been one of those weekends where there have been a few reminders that I won’t have my parents for as long/ won’t be as fit and healthy ETC (speaking on average, yes I know some people can get ill/pass away whenever) as most people my age.

So I am 30 and my brother is 37, our Mother is 68 and our dad is 75, despite getting the ‘ is that your Mum/Nan, Dad/Grandad ‘ awkward questions when we were younger, ( more for me than my brother) as an adult it never really bothers me, they are both pretty independent, drive , walk their dog, had a few knee/hip ops between them but soon recovered ETC, My dad in particular looks quite young for his age and considering he is from a different era/old school , I can honestly say I have never heard him utter a single prejudice/cynical word (like some elderly do due to lack of understanding) which makes me proud , but a few things this weekend has put the age gap into perspective.
One being on Friday I was at a dear friend’s wedding, she herself is a little older than me but her parents must have been in their early 20’s when they had her, and were getting really stuck in , helping with the kids, dancing, etc
I couldn’t help but feel, if I was to get married at a similar age (mid 30s-40s) and have kids, my parents would not be able to get as stuck in as I or they would like.
Then on Saturday, My dad mis read/got confused over a text message regarding the time of a coach leaving for away support for our local football team that he was attending with my brother, he was mortified and it meant messing the man who organises it around ( and potentially losing him money – although on this occasion I don’t think the coach was full/had a reserve list) and him and my brother having to very quickly jump in their car and drive the other end of the country ( any other occasion they would probably have not bothered but they were meeting a friend up there as they don’t live local and was in possession of their ticket), it doesn’t sound like the end of the world I know, but it was a bit of a bad ‘faux pas’ that messed quite a few people around.
It really highlighted how old my dad is and bad with technology etc and I feel so selfish for even moaning about this but sometimes I just can’t help comparing them to friends parents and wishing things were a bit different.

Anyone else in a similar situation?

My husband and i are 74, my daughter is 38. We were 69 when my DGD was born, i looked after her till she went to School and we take her when necessary. I don’t feel old and would certainly muck in with her. I even take her two school friends at times, its fun. I think some people think because they are older they have to behave in a certain way.

My mum didn't even make 77. She had me at 25 and my youngest brother at 38. She was often referred to as his grandma when he was young. My brothers daughter is never going to have many memories of her at all whereas my kids had years of knowing her

My daughter and I live in the present. I'm 77 and she is 21. No point in meeting problems before they happen.

Maybe as it was less normal to have babies ( especially first ones) in your late 30s. Even when I had DD1 back in 1991 if was considered to be higher risk geriatric mothers at over 35

I had the opposite scenario. Quite a few people to bought my granddaughter was mine

Better having older parents in a loving family relationship than rushing to marry in early 20s and end up separating I would say. Not saying if people get together young will split, I have young parents myself but sometimes life just don't land you a prince charming in your 20s. So I would much prefer if my parents are together for the right reasons even if they meet later.

See I had DD1 aged. 20. And many of my friends had kids earlier than that. It was quite commonplace. Many of the local girls had husbands found for them when young, one of my friends was sent to Pakistan to be married off at 15. She had 4 kids by 21

This was in the early 90s

I had my daughter at 34. I was (and still am) in a loving, supportive relationship, financially stable, and living a fulfilling life. Did I consciously choose to have a child later in life? Not exactly. If I'd had children with someone I was dating in my 20s, I would probably be unhappy or even divorced by now. If growing up with older parents was an issue for you, why didn’t you have kids in your 20s? Not an easy choice, right?

My Dad had me at 44, strangely I became a parent at 44 also. The only downside was that he started to have health issues when I was in my early 30’s and died when I was in my early 40’s. However that was ok, I always knew I’d likely have these responsibilities and bluntly it’s made me a better person and parent. And I know (because it’s been said several times) I am an empathetic, thoughtful and determined parent who always puts my child first and advocates for them.
i wouldn’t want to change a thing.

My dad was 41 when I was born and 60 (stepmum was 37) when my last half brother was born. My dad never acted like an old man, even when he got to 88 years old he was still young minded and modern.

I had my DC when I was 33 & 35. I didn’t think I was an older mum. Just about the same ages as most of the mums at school at the time.

Looking from the other end of the perspective.....I had DCs late in life (just didn't meet the right person earlier) and was 44 when I was lucky enough to have my amazing IVF DTs. I'm now 60 and they are just starting 6th form.

Yes - I was the oldest mum as the school gate, and older than some grandparents. But I was slim, fit, well dressed, and actually one of a group of older Mums who I am still friends with now. We are all professional, educated, financially sorted and able to give our kids some things that maybe younger parents struggle with. I gave up my career to be a SAHM and have only ever worked flexible part time since - because I already owned my own house and so did my DH when we met - so being older can have advantages. No money worries, time to spend with them while they're young etc.

Yes - I have been taken for a grandparent, twice 😦!! But I am old enough to be one, so hey ho. The DCs used to laugh about it. And yes - we won't be around as long as we'd like for our kids - but no-one knows how long they have. My DM had me in her twenties and died at 56...😥

DH's Mum had him at 42 which was unusual in the 60s. Her DH was ten years older - so no longer with us. In those days people were 'older' I think so she was always taken to be grandma as her hair went white quite young. (I am dark blond which I lighten, but very few grey hairs). Dh said she was always the old one at the school gates but it never bothered him. She is now 97 and lives alone, still going strong and bakes him cakes every week...😂

DH is 5 years younger than me and really physically fit - I bet he can play tennis or swim with them longer than most Dads 20 years younger. And we definitely hold our own on the dance floor!

At the end of the day - we would all like endless time with our DCs and our parents - and we know that won't happen. We just have to enjoy what we have while we can. My DC are chilled about it now - I hope they won't feel cheated later in life, but I know what they would say if I asked them if they would rather never have been born......

OP - I can relate to having the realisation of how old your parents are.

I'm in the process of helping my parents sell the family home, as due to their health conditions they need a more suitable property. My parents are older than yours (73 and 82) and the whole conveyancing process has a) reinforced mine and my siblings concerns about their lack of tech knowledge and has b) evidenced to my parents just how processes have significantly changed and how they may have to start embracing technology rather than relying on their children to do all IT-related tasks for them.

It's interesting that you were surrounded by other kids who had younger parents, as a fair few of the kids I grew up with had similar aged parents to me and my parents weren't seen as old by my peers (I'm 44 and my siblings are in their mid-50s).

I hope you’re going to have all your children soon otherwise they’ll be saying the same about you and feel embarrassed when you make a small mistake in front of others! It is perfectly fine ok to have your kids in your 30s, and why do you care what others think anyway?
Not all 68 year olds are unfit btw, my mother weight trains twice a week and walks miles every day, plus runs around after my kids… just be grateful they are still in your life.

@Hisaronu1234 There was 20 years between my parents and it wasn’t always easy (not all of it to do with the age gap). I don’t agree with men becoming fathers in their sixties and older because of my upbringing but nothing I can do about this.

Stop comparing your situation, it’s making you unhappy. Accept and deal with how things are, enjoy your parents while you have them

DSIS had her kids in her 20s, my mother barged in and involved herself and it’s caused a lot of anger. DSIS is now looking after grandchildren. Loves them dearly but says she doesn’t have the energy with the latest ones to do all the things she did with the first ones as she is knackered. She’s under 60.

I had my kids in my late 30s, when my first DS came along my mother was too old to help with childcare for more than a day here or there but I was fine with that. I don’t know if I’ll have grandchildren and I’ll probably be too knackered to offer full time care but we’ll deal with things as they happen.

56 when you had her??

I get it OP. My parents were older parents. Mum was 37, Dad was 41. At the age of 33 they both died. I'm 41 now and have been without my parents for a long time.

SSD

She came for a few days, after I'd retired, because her parents couldn't cope. She just stayed.

My mum was 29 when she had me, my brother 8 years earlier ( dad was away in the army, ww2) My dad was 4 years older than mum.
I was 29 when I had my eldest and nearly 41 when I had the last one. I felt older than average but quite an energetic mum. Really, nowadays it's nothing to have a baby at 40 or older.
Now 75 I still work part time and have grandchildren of 11, 6 and 5. I do get tired and a bit flustered at times but cope OK with technology. I have loads of fun with the grandkids.

Your parents really aren't old!
You can't have children to order.

As you are considering having children it’s natural to think about mortality and your own parents. We all want our parents to be involved and loving grandparents so I don’t think you need to be criticised as you are not being unreasonable.
My parents are older too and it was a worry I carried with me for a long time, especially as it took me a long time to find the right partner and financial stability; I often worried if I was too old myself to be a good mother.
What I would say is that I’m very much at peace with it now. I’m lucky that my parents are both still here as they fast approach 90. It’s really not age but genetics, luck and how you live your life that determines longevity and anctual age is definitely superseded by these factors.
Try not to worry and take what they are able to offer be that lots of spare time, love, patience, more sedentary skills if necessary.
I remember being absolutely stunned watching my mum kick around a football in her 70’s with my son - she never did this with me! 🤭

This is just insulting to people who have lost parents and miss them.

I lost both my parents by 35 and they weren’t older parents when they had me. My mum was working, running with the dog every day and had her grandchild most weekends when she got cancer and died. She came out clubbing with me and DP sometimes and had more stamina than us. She had a busy social life and it was a huge shock when she was diagnosed.
My dad was in his early 50’s and seemed very young for his age when he died just after I turned 30, he was also still working, a doting grandad (my sister had her kids very young!) and travelled regularly with my mum. They were still together when my dad died.

My Nan was still doing online qualifications in her 70’s, was a scout leader, a keen photographer so used up to date technology and was still travelling the world with my grandad.

My DP however is 39 and his dad is 85 and his mother is 83, his mother even had another pregnancy after him but miscarried. I often joke she’s still not hit menopause!
My partner’s parents have multiple health problems and his dads hearing has gone, he has 6 older brothers and sisters though and we are childfree so aren’t worrying about the lack of free childcare.

My partner would never moan about his elderly parents in front of me because he knows how heartbroken I was to lose mine, he was my rock through losing both of them.

I have spoken to a few people who complain about having older parents and it almost always comes down to childcare and wanting grandchildren looked after. I think the lack of children for me and my partner meant we were less bothered about the age of our parents.

I’ve been with my partner over 10 years and the main reason we have never married is because I can’t bear to have a wedding without my parents, I wanted my dad to walk me down the aisle like with my sister and my mum by my side. Hearing someone basically complaining about their parents being older is just ridiculous.

There are no guarantees on your parents health or how long you will have them in your life, just be grateful you have them.

It’s not insulting to anyone to feel emotions about one’s own parents.

You suffered terrible tragedies and I am sorry for your loss. But that doesn’t mean other people can’t feel or express their own emotions about their different circumstances.

My parents were 66 and 65 when they died and were in excellent health right up until a short time before. Neither had health conditions or took any medication; both very active both in the community and family, and with travel and hobbies. They went skiing at the start of the year in which they died, as well as hiking, cycling, going to the gym- it all changed so suddenly. Looking at photos of them even 6 months before they died, you couldn’t possibly have imagined that both would be dead so soon.

I wish they had got another 20 years, or even 10. But I must admit that when I see the situation many friends are now in with parents in their 80s and older, and the difficulties of illnesses, diseases and care needs, I feel a sense of relief- that is one thing I’m not sad to be missing out on. I did see my parents become vulnerable but only really right at the end, for a short while before they died. If they could have lived to 90 independent, well and enjoying life, that would obviously be the ideal, but that is so often not the case when people are 80 and beyond, and I’m very glad to not be taking on caring responsibilities for elderly parents just as my caring responsibilities to my children are beginning to lighten up.

I do have in-laws who are late 70s/80, and they are ok for now though health conditions are beginning to stack up, and both are on multiple medications. I will of course help with their care when the time comes, but not to the same level I would have with my own parents; and without so much of the overbearing feeling of responsibility and worry.