Does anyone with older than average parents, feel resentful at times?

[Hisaronu1234]

Feel so selfish for writing this but been one of those weekends where there have been a few reminders that I won’t have my parents for as long/ won’t be as fit and healthy ETC (speaking on average, yes I know some people can get ill/pass away whenever) as most people my age.

So I am 30 and my brother is 37, our Mother is 68 and our dad is 75, despite getting the ‘ is that your Mum/Nan, Dad/Grandad ‘ awkward questions when we were younger, ( more for me than my brother) as an adult it never really bothers me, they are both pretty independent, drive , walk their dog, had a few knee/hip ops between them but soon recovered ETC, My dad in particular looks quite young for his age and considering he is from a different era/old school , I can honestly say I have never heard him utter a single prejudice/cynical word (like some elderly do due to lack of understanding) which makes me proud , but a few things this weekend has put the age gap into perspective.
One being on Friday I was at a dear friend’s wedding, she herself is a little older than me but her parents must have been in their early 20’s when they had her, and were getting really stuck in , helping with the kids, dancing, etc
I couldn’t help but feel, if I was to get married at a similar age (mid 30s-40s) and have kids, my parents would not be able to get as stuck in as I or they would like.
Then on Saturday, My dad mis read/got confused over a text message regarding the time of a coach leaving for away support for our local football team that he was attending with my brother, he was mortified and it meant messing the man who organises it around ( and potentially losing him money – although on this occasion I don’t think the coach was full/had a reserve list) and him and my brother having to very quickly jump in their car and drive the other end of the country ( any other occasion they would probably have not bothered but they were meeting a friend up there as they don’t live local and was in possession of their ticket), it doesn’t sound like the end of the world I know, but it was a bit of a bad ‘faux pas’ that messed quite a few people around.
It really highlighted how old my dad is and bad with technology etc and I feel so selfish for even moaning about this but sometimes I just can’t help comparing them to friends parents and wishing things were a bit different.

Anyone else in a similar situation?

Having older parents is just a fact of life for many people. And the OPs parents aren't even especially old. Until the advent of reliable contraception, many women carried on having babies until the menopause. And life expectancy was lower then too.

The OP has nothing to worry about regarding her parents ages.

DH’s dad was 57 when he was born so I assumed you’d be talking about that kind of older parents!

I am 40, my parents were 31 and 32 when I was born so they are now 71 and 72.

Your mother isn't that old. She would have only been 31 when she had your brother!

My parents had me in their early 20s and while there are certainly advantages, including they are still alive while I'm nearly 60, there can also quite a lot of disadvantages in childhood with having younger parents. My parents were pretty good but I don't think we got the same amount of attention we would have if they had been in their 30s. They were more focused on their social lives than older parents would be and I often felt I had to just fit in with whatever they wanted to do. Also we didn't have much money. They have a huge house now and people always assume that I had a well off childhood and went to private schools etc but like most people they didn't earn that much when they were young. The high salaries came later after I left home.

I just feel sad not resentful tbh. There's a 22 year age gap between me and my older sibling. I used to wish I was the oldest but that's life.

I had all my children young because I didn't want to be an older mum

One of the new British pastimes of moaning in advance, moaning about what isn't happening or isn't an issue but moaning to make others look bad.

My mum died when I was 6yrs old in childbirth. She was 31. My dad remarried the year after and sadly she's passed away at 67 even though she married and had children from about ages 29 to 32.
Outcomes are not naturally the same and can't be.
All fingers are not equal and productivity will be reduced if they were.
Your parents loved eachother other and had you and your brother. So much to be thankful for and enjoy. Create more memories and enjoy them.

Others couldn't find a life partner, others couldn't have children or have secondary infertility, or had children but died early or in child birth etc.

Be thankful for what you have, make the most of what you have and from time to time help those who don't have what you have.
Look at what you have and make the most of it.

Your parents aren't older than average I don't think – if anything your friends parents are younger than average.

Your mum had you at 37/38 and your brother at 30/31. From your post, it doesn't sound like you have children yourself – and you are the same age your mum was when she had your brother.

Focus on enjoying your time with them.

OP has disappeared..

I agree that your parents aren’t older - based on norms where I am.

usually when people post here about older parents the mum was mid forties and the dad fifties or older.

in mumsnet world the dad, despite being close to retirement, is healthier and looks younger than most men in their thirties!

My parents had me young (my mum was only just 20 when I was born) and my dad is the least tech-savvy person I've ever met! He's 63 now, so definitely not old. And until recently my 85-year old Grandma was fitter than him (she's slowing down now and has various health issues). I had my first child at 39 after 8 years of trying, multiple miscarriages and IVF and I do worry that she'll feel the way you do about her "old" mother.

What actual action/inaction of theirs are you resenting? What should they have done? Practise saying it out loud, and then imagine someone saying it to you, e.g. ‘You should have been certain about settling down earlier’, ‘You should have fallen in love with someone else’, ‘You should have conceived as soon as you started trying’ etc.

It sometimes feels like we are entitled to parents who did everything perfectly, but parents are just people. Life happens to them.

@coffeesaveslives it does in a way bc she says she's 'too old' to bother. It's true she could be like that if she was 65 but it's less likely I reckon.

What a whingey, woe-is-me post. My parents were 42 and 43 when I was born, and I've never given it a second thought. Surely you must have bigger problems than this?

Your parents don’t sound that old tbh!

Mine are similar and no one ever assumed they were a grandparent etc (!).

Anyone at any age can get confused over timings for things, you’re just assuming it’s his age.

By your measure I’m an ‘older mother’ and the idea anyone would assume I was my child’s grandparent is frankly laughable.

I doubt it, this is a very normal age to have a child now.

Average age of first birth is now over 30.

@Hisaronu1234

if you think they should have had you in their twenties, why haven’t you had children in your twenties ?

Kindly, yes it's a bit daft to be resentful about it. Me and DP both have fairly young parents. And yet we'd both lost out Mums to breast cancer by the time we were in our mid 30s. Neither of them reached 55.

You're fairly lucky to still have two parents around who are both fit and well.

You sound a brat. Why don't you just appreciate the fact that they are still around.

But you are making the same choice to be an older mum ( your words not mine) if you were that bothered you should have had any children you wanted at say 20 then they would have been 10 yrs younger. Is this the level of entitlement these days that your parents should have time travelled back in time to have you earlier so that if / when you decided to have children of your own they would have enough energy to look after your kids?

My grandmother was in her early 40s when she had my Dad, in the late 1940s. As a child, I remember her as an old lady. Always sitting down, not very mobile and with lots of white hair. But I assumed that’s just how Grandmas were. Most of my friends’ Grandmas were also old ladies. My Grandma couldn’t run around the garden with me but she could tell me excellent stories, teach me how to do crosswords and teach me how to cook by directing me around the kitchen. And I was late teens when she died as she had a ‘good innings’. So the fact that she was an older mum when she had my dad was not an issue, for my dad or for her grandchildren.

My mum was 30 when she had me, but she died before her time when I was 35.

Your parents really aren’t that old. But I’m not sure you’re coming back to the thread anyway so 🤷🏼‍♀️

This Op! ⬆️ @Hisaronu1234

Sorry to sound harsh but perhaps put things into perspective, what if your mum and dad died in an accident? Accidents do happen and sadly this is a very real experience for many. What if they were not around to complain about.

I haven't had any parents since my mid 20s. In fact I've had no family, it's just been me. You would, in a heartbeat have so many regrets about the way you're thinking right now. If only i'd... Please have am attitude of gratitude and embrace your parents in all their quirky absent minded ways. It's a privilege denied to many.

Both my parents and ILs had me and my husband in their early 20s and are absolutely fuck all use with the grandchildren. We never rely on them for childcare. I'm jealous of those with older parents who had a better upbringing because of their parents' wealth/education. My mum also has health issue after health issue and she is only 60 but acts much older and more of an invalid than someone ten or fifteen years older.

I think into adulthood everyone would probably wish their parents were younger, wouldn't they?

I do, not because mine are massively older than average, but just because you want them to be around and healthy and mobile for as long as possible.

My DP is older than me but his parents are not much older than mine, and sometimes it does make me sad to see how 'young' PILs are for their older grandchildren (teens and tweens), whereas my DD is the first grandchild for my parents and she's only just turned 2, so by the time she's 15 they'll be nearly 80.

But I wouldn't switch them. Just wish they'd had me younger, or I'd had my baby younger. But it's not the way life goes is it.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Your parents are doing fine.
They have bought you up already and dont have to be active fit and young to provide you with free childcare.

My parents had me in their mid 30s, I'm 38 now and my parents are usually about 10 years older than other people who are my age. I just googled it and the average first time mum was 24 in the 80s, vs 32 now.
That 10 year age difference does make a difference to be honest, but it's fine, I certainly don't feel resentment. It's just the way it is.