To be absolutely exhausted and think this is just not sustainable night after night?

[BeJollyOrca]

Apologies in advance if this is long. For background information, I’m 20 years old, have 2 siblings (twins who are 11. They are autistic) who are in foster care and both parents are in prison for abusing them. They live with foster carers who are about a 5-10 minute drive from where I live, I have a job too.

Since our parents were sentenced in August my siblings have had lots of problems sleeping at night, they keep waking up multiple times a night with nightmares from the abuse they suffered (both in the day and at night) from our parents. These nightmares have only been since they were sentenced but it’s every night without fail at least one of them wakes up with nightmares about our parents. After waking up from a nightmare about it, they don’t settle for their foster carers whatsoever unless I’m there so I’m having to drive to their house in the middle of the night (loads of different times every night, sometimes 1pm sometimes 2pm sometimes 3pm and so on, not the same time every night obviously) every night without fail (every single night without fail) to comfort them as they just won’t go back to sleep for their foster carers unless I’m there.

I don’t mind doing it because I want to help them and they genuinely don’t settle again for their foster carers unless I’m there to comfort them but it’s just become exhausting (for their foster carers too as obviously they are awake at the same time as well as me. None of us had a single night since August where we’ve not been awake in the night over this) and I’m sure how sustainable this is night after night, it’s been every single night without fail since about early August now, will probably be around there in the middle of the night again when they wake up and won’t settle. I feel absolutely exhausted from it every day, I know their foster carers do too so I feel for them as well. I don’t what we can do though because they don’t settle for their foster carers from nightmares unless I’m there, we’ve tried without me there but they keep asking for me and won’t settle from a nightmare unless I’m there. I’m having to sleep with my phone on loud and drive to their house every time I get a call to say they’ve woke up with a nightmare. This is as well as being there every night to say night to them at bedtime and as well as taking them out in the evenings with their foster carers (I don’t mind taking them out with their foster carers though as I enjoy it) and so on. I don’t mind doing it to help them as I know they have a lot of trauma but it’s just exhausting and I don’t think it’s sustainable every single night like this.

AIBU to just be completely exhausted from it and think this is not sustainable night after night?

Also, has anyone got any suggestions for what to do as well? Not sure what we can do though because they don’t settle unless I’m there.

Medication.

You don’t deserve any more shit. Ever.

Hi Op, you must be so tired I’m so sorry for what you and your siblings are going through.
I don’t have much to offer, but have your siblings been offered any therapy? Is there a chance you could live with them for a bit, perhaps knowing you’re there would help? I’m not sure. But I’m so sorry x

I feel like I could fall asleep right now as I’m so exhausted! It just feels like constant exhaustion.

They are in therapy at the moment. Not sure about living with them, it’s not something we’ve discussed actually to be honest but it’s a good suggestion so I might raise it.

Medication for what sorry? For my siblings or me? Sorry just trying to understand what you mean so that I can reply properly, sorry

Can you try having something that 'represents' you - like a specially made teddy for each of them?

This is such a hard situation, you NEED your sleep and they deserve reassurance.

Your siblings have had a terrible time but you don't have to sacrifice yourself for them, I would switch my phone off and tell the foster carers that you won't be coming round.

You can’t go on like this. I’m so sorry, you must all be be exhausted. Op you need to be careful you dont crash you car (been there after 4 years of a non sleeping baby!)

my first thought was medication. I know they’re only 11 but surely there is some sedation or anti anxiety medication that can help with nightmares? This is very serious

OP this is one of those “put your own oxygen mask on first” moments. You cannot keep doing this. How about switching to being available every other night at first, that means you still feel you’re helping, but you get some sleep too.

On medication - melatonin is sometimes prescribed for autistic children with long term sleep issues (it can be bought in shops in other countries, assuming you’re in the UK it’s prescription only).

Do you know what other support the foster carers have sought for this?

I would tell siblings when you go and take them to bed that you won’t be coming in the night and tell the foster carers as well and switch your phone off. You can’t be creating a dependency and need your sleep. Then they need therapy and to see the doctor

You sound like the best sibling ever ❤️

If life had turned out differently, they might not have had another sibling - and what would the foster carers have to do then? Ask yourself that question, and then ask it to the carers/social services. Then stop doing this, point blank, and don’t look back.

Unfortunately social services/the care system always seeks to use relatives as resources where possible, and the system doesn’t care how exhausted you are. You yourself have to lay down the boundary.

I can only agree with what others have said. You can’t keep carrying on like this. The foster parents need to step up and get them seen by a GP.
You sound like a wonderful person! But you need your sleep and to live your own life

Aww op, you sound like an amazing sister 🥺

How understanding are they? Are they verbal etc? (Mine isn't at aged 5)

Are they not on melatonin?

Can you sit them down and explain? Give them items of clothing that smell like you?

Slowly withdraw, ie, being there for them on facetime rather than driving over. Its so dangerous when youre so exhausted op x

Just wanted to offer my solidarity and sympathy. And say, you sound far more measured than the poster of another thread which was just deleted x

I’m sorry you and your siblings have had such a rough time. In the short term, would it be possible to record yourself reading some bedtime stories which the foster parents can play for them in the night if they wake up? Hearing your voice might be enough to settle them down again.

You are amazing. This isn’t sustainable for you at this level of input. You have needs too. The foster carers may need to look at medication maybe melatonin. Please mind yourself. You will never be able to make good what your parents did, don’t even try to do that. You can only do your best for them and best for yourself too. You matter too.

What support are the foster carers getting? You being there in the middle of the night isn’t reasonable as a long term solution. The foster carers are being paid to care for your siblings, they should be very trauma informed in their approach and should understand the part that nightmares play in processing trauma.

This may sound counter intuitive, but what is their day to day routine like, are they getting support at school, are they being parented therapeutically by the foster carers? What is their nighttime routine like, did some of the trauma happen in the night? Have they people who can listen and help them make sense of what has happened outside of therapy? These two will need a lot of varied supports which the foster carers should be advocating for.

I also wonder if you being there so frequently is actually making it harder for them to adjust to foster care? It would be very unusual to have daily/nightly contact as a plan because it means the foster carers never really settle into a routine and the kids don’t get used to needing to receive care from the foster carers. If the long term plan is that they come to you it might make sense, but if not I’d suggest contact needs to be reduced somewhat.

Disrupted nights are part and parcel with trauma, my kids were adopted by me 7 years ago and are still frequently up through the night. You need a longer term, more realistic plan for all concerned.

They are already on melatonin unfortunately. Sorry I just need to drive somewhere and then I will read everyone’s replies properly and reply more fully, sorry for the delay.

I think you need to message the foster carers to say that you're simply too exhausted to keep doing this, and that it's sensible that they talk to their GP about short term medication so everyone can sleep. Could you offer to put them to bed a couple of evenings a week as a compromise?

It's horribly unfair on the children too - they need to learn another coping mechanism because long term, this just can't work.

This sounds really difficult for you all.

• Is the therapy trauma focused (cbt or emdr?)
• short term could you move in, then use gradual withdrawal when they wake? Ie leave progressively shorter time after they wake?
• practical strategies like an object that smells of you eg t shirt/ cuddly toy, nightlights, recording of your voice they can play etc.
• what are the nightmares of? Are they recurrent? You could help them visualise happier endings to them when they are awake eg someone coming in to rescue them and taking them somewhere safe.

Good luck, it sounds tough.

I would suggest two options. One is you and the foster parents warn the siblings you can't come the next night as you are away, or your car isn't working, but they can phone you. If the foster parents have to stay up all night with them, so be it, but this won't stop if you keep sacrificing yourself.

Another option is to speak to the social workers about the option of you being their foster carer, depending on how much you currently earn, could the income from being a family foster carer match up and be enough for you to live off?

I think you and the foster carers need to speak to their social worker urgently. You need to see if you can them prescribed with Melatonin.to help with sleep. It is prescribed to children. Do they see a specialist at the hospital? You need to see them.

As PP says, what you can do behaviourally, sleep training etc, will depend on their level of functioning.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

There’s also a conversation about me potentially adopting them, my idea. Sorry I really need to drive now though so I will reply after, sorry. I haven’t read everyone’s replies fully yet but I will do soon and then reply fully, so sorry for the delay.

And I echo that Foster carers should be getting some support professionally with this, to help them.

Melatonin can trigger nightmares in quite a lot of people. One of my children is prescribed it, and is on except for occasional sleep walking/talking. I have tried it and it gave me horrendous nightmares, one of my other children also had nightmares from it so we stopped giving it.