To be absolutely exhausted and think this is just not sustainable night after night?

[BeJollyOrca]

Apologies in advance if this is long. For background information, I’m 20 years old, have 2 siblings (twins who are 11. They are autistic) who are in foster care and both parents are in prison for abusing them. They live with foster carers who are about a 5-10 minute drive from where I live, I have a job too.

Since our parents were sentenced in August my siblings have had lots of problems sleeping at night, they keep waking up multiple times a night with nightmares from the abuse they suffered (both in the day and at night) from our parents. These nightmares have only been since they were sentenced but it’s every night without fail at least one of them wakes up with nightmares about our parents. After waking up from a nightmare about it, they don’t settle for their foster carers whatsoever unless I’m there so I’m having to drive to their house in the middle of the night (loads of different times every night, sometimes 1pm sometimes 2pm sometimes 3pm and so on, not the same time every night obviously) every night without fail (every single night without fail) to comfort them as they just won’t go back to sleep for their foster carers unless I’m there.

I don’t mind doing it because I want to help them and they genuinely don’t settle again for their foster carers unless I’m there to comfort them but it’s just become exhausting (for their foster carers too as obviously they are awake at the same time as well as me. None of us had a single night since August where we’ve not been awake in the night over this) and I’m sure how sustainable this is night after night, it’s been every single night without fail since about early August now, will probably be around there in the middle of the night again when they wake up and won’t settle. I feel absolutely exhausted from it every day, I know their foster carers do too so I feel for them as well. I don’t what we can do though because they don’t settle for their foster carers from nightmares unless I’m there, we’ve tried without me there but they keep asking for me and won’t settle from a nightmare unless I’m there. I’m having to sleep with my phone on loud and drive to their house every time I get a call to say they’ve woke up with a nightmare. This is as well as being there every night to say night to them at bedtime and as well as taking them out in the evenings with their foster carers (I don’t mind taking them out with their foster carers though as I enjoy it) and so on. I don’t mind doing it to help them as I know they have a lot of trauma but it’s just exhausting and I don’t think it’s sustainable every single night like this.

AIBU to just be completely exhausted from it and think this is not sustainable night after night?

Also, has anyone got any suggestions for what to do as well? Not sure what we can do though because they don’t settle unless I’m there.

They provide the best they can given the resources available. Not many people want to foster, and it costs a lot of resources. Many kids in foster care have worse outcomes on average. In an ideal world what you're saying would work but in reality, OPs relatives may well need her input to get their best outcome. However, if she it's breaking her and not sustainable....this is why things are hard.

With respect, if you were ill or not available they would have to cope. It isn’t fair that the foster parents keep calling you. That is their job. They should find a way to manage.

I voted YABU because you shouldn't be doing this at all, in my opinion.

I would hate it if my DD felt that she should do this for her autistic brother.
She has her own life to lead, as do you.
I didn't give birth to DD, for her to become a carer.

Your parents have failed you all but caring for your siblings is not your responsibility.

Please let the foster carers provide the caring and you get on with your own life.
Your only responsibility is to keep in touch and visit whenever you can.

No guilt needed. No explanation needed. You have your life and they have theirs.
Turn off your phone at night, letting the foster carers know that you are unable to do it any longer.
Good luck lass

Taking on the twins through adoption would be really tough. However you are spending so much time there and going back and forth that it may actually be easier in some ways,
So so difficult for you all.

You have become a sleep association to them. I don't think anything other than living with them will work. Unless you do cold turkey and tell them you cannot go in the night because you can't drive after a certain time etc. the foster carers need support from social services to help them manage this.

It's heartbreaking but you are all losing sleep and sanity I bet so the sooner this stops the better for everyone.

I have not read all the replies so apologies if someone has said this but they need to be close to you. Do you have room for them to sleep at yours ? So foster carers look after them daytime and drop to you at bed time? It may be that just knowing you are near will allow them to be more settled? Either that or you sleeping at foster carers house. The night time travelling is not sustainable. Bless you for caring so much. Sounds like you have all been to hell and back.

@Petitchat shes their older sibling and they’re young children. Of course she should look aftet
them. Your dd doesn’t have to look after her autistic brother because you look after him.

it is entirely natural for the OP to want to look a get her siblings. Do you think she’s wants to just abandon them to the care system?

what is needed is working out the support from other people so the care can be spread.

God, you’re incredible. I don’t know if anyone has ever told you this but doing this for your siblings, given what you’ve gone through with your parents yourself and when you are only 20 is really extraordinary. No wonder you’re exhausted. Please don’t feel guilty if there are nights when you can’t do this - it was never your responsibility for even a single night, but you’ve decided to do it because you’re a truly lovely sister and are putting yourself last at your own expense. You need a break from this and it’s social services’ job to work out how.

Just because OP is their older sibling, doesn't mean she has duty of care towards them.

I know it's tough and sad, but she should get on with her own life.
This won't be the only problem that occurs over the years.

Sadly, they ARE in the hands of the state, due to their parents.
OP is not responsible.

You mean to be helpful but ‘wants to just abandon them to the care system’ is hugely unhelpful because it’s judgemental and that adds a pressure. If a 20 year old doesn’t want to raise two autistic 11 year olds that aren’t her own children, she’s abandoning them? That it’s ’entirely natural’ for her to want to do this? No. Their parents didn’t do their jobs. This incredibly brave poster doesn’t need to take on their guilt as if it should be her own. Every single visit in the night that she has made in order to compensate for the absence of two imprisoned parents is above and beyond what any 20 year old sibling should have to do.

She’s their family - I’m not saying that the state should not provide support at all - but telling her to just walk away when that’s clearly not what she wants to do is not a solution - and clearly not the solution she is looking for

the solution is to find the best combination of support that helps her to provide the suppor to her siblings she wants to

She's only young too. No young woman the OP's age should have this responsibility thrust onto her, especially as she's also suffering trauma too. It's not fair - she has already been through so much!

Sure she wants to support them and that's loving and natural but it's unreasonable to expect her to assume responsibility for two troubled children, when she's also traumatised and barely out of childhood herself!

I’m going to see what they suggest in the meeting tomorrow when I raise this again. It just seems to be an incredibly difficult situation for us all to find a solution to. I’m not even asleep here yet but will probably end up driving round there in a few hours if not sooner, feel absolutely shattered right now to be honest

What an amazing person ❤️

Could you ask foster carers if they want you to try sleeping there maybe 2-3 nights a week. Try to get the kids in a routing then that big sis stays here say mon, wed and Fri ?
Bless you op, you sound so lovely

Do you have children? I have a 20 year old myself and I'd be utterly horrified if he had to adopt (non-existent luckily!) younger siblings! It's a horrendous burden to place on a young person barely out of their own childhood! Of course she loves them and wants to support them, and clearly she will do that, but she should not have to be responsible for them! Nobody is telling her to walk away, not one poster.

This young woman should not be expected to sacrifice her own young life for the crimes of her parents.

I think it's appalling that you think that she should!

Going back to the start on the sleeping issue seems a good suggestion I think. I’ll raise it in the meeting tomorrow and see what everyone says. I don’t know how keen they’ll be about taking them out of school though! Yes there’s life story work on going with them as well.

It’s complicated re court and want to be careful how much I say about it so as not to be identifying. A lot of the explaining to them was done by their foster carers and social workers and other professionals but the twins have also asked me questions about it before too.

You are already doing so much. You sound like you are at breaking point, and if you break, it won't do any of the three of you any good. What do you work as? You must be shattered in work, and you're clearly earning enough for accommodation and to run a car.

Turn your phone off tonight. Get a full night's sleep, The foster parents will just have to deal. Your siblings will sleep when they're exhausted too xx

Could you become their foster carer? Round my way they get paid quite a bit, I keep seeing adverts of getting paid £600 a week per child.

Please don't do it. You really shouldn't be driving when you are absolutely shattered. It's too dangerous.

The time has come to put yourself first.

This is NOT "an incredibly difficult situation for us all"
It's a difficult situation for the carers and tha authorities. Not you.
And there will be many more in the future.

Please try to let go and get some rest...

Most of the time the foster carers leave it a few nights or a couple of nights before saying it isn’t working. What I think the foster carers actually mean/think is that they can’t bear to see them so upset in the night so they put that across as ‘not working’ as they can’t bear to see them so upset and it’s good for them to have the comfort they want/get from me being there. I’m not saying I agree but I’m just explaining what I think the foster carers thought processes are.

Is the question here what does your oxygen mask actually look like? In terms of what you want: you want to live your life, you want to get some sleep, you want to be there for your siblings. And it won’t help them to just cut off the support so that doesn’t help you. Would it help at all if you could just go to sleep at the foster carers house? Just for a few days to see if that settles things. No living there, arrive late in the evening, leave early before breakfast, keep your life separate. Very tiring, but not as tiring as what you are currently doing.

Sweetheart, this is such a lot to deal with at your young age, and I both feel sorry that this is the lot you've been dealt, but also feel really proud of you for doing what you are for your brothers.
It seems that you have two options,
That you spend nights at the foster carers, or that you adopt the boys. Option two seems like the most reliable option long term though.
Are the boys under a paediatrician? If so, they may be the best shout in regards to the boys sleeping problems...though it may also be an issue of them actually processing the abuse during their sleep and that this will pass, however I'd just chase it up to check if there is anything that can be done to help

You are incredible.

I would firstly consider stopping the melatonin as a trial as it could be making nightmares worse. It doesn't work well for everyone. Making sure that the foster parents (if possible) ensure they have a decent amount of physical activity every day, no screens a couple of hours before bed, etc. For me, praying helps with my nightmares but I appreciate this isn't for everyone.
Obviously, they are very traumatised and in the throws of it so it might just be like this for sometime and not much anyone can do but comfort them as much as possible.
You can ask for nights off where they don't call. Explain that it's affecting your mental health and you cannot be as supportive as you would like if you're totally depleted. You could suggest alternating nights or even less. Whatever is needed for you recharge.
I also think you are right to consider adopting your siblings. They are already 11 years old and you will have plenty of your life ahead once they're adults. As a good alternative, being close to the foster home as you currently are will be benefiting them massively - and I'm sure you want to be close after everything you have all been through.

Re sleeping at the foster carers house. I think that’s something that would need to be discussed with the social workers/social services. It’s actually not an option we’ve discussed yet so Its another thing that I will bring up in the meeting tomorrow as well and see what everyone says/thinks about it.