To be absolutely exhausted and think this is just not sustainable night after night?

[BeJollyOrca]

Apologies in advance if this is long. For background information, I’m 20 years old, have 2 siblings (twins who are 11. They are autistic) who are in foster care and both parents are in prison for abusing them. They live with foster carers who are about a 5-10 minute drive from where I live, I have a job too.

Since our parents were sentenced in August my siblings have had lots of problems sleeping at night, they keep waking up multiple times a night with nightmares from the abuse they suffered (both in the day and at night) from our parents. These nightmares have only been since they were sentenced but it’s every night without fail at least one of them wakes up with nightmares about our parents. After waking up from a nightmare about it, they don’t settle for their foster carers whatsoever unless I’m there so I’m having to drive to their house in the middle of the night (loads of different times every night, sometimes 1pm sometimes 2pm sometimes 3pm and so on, not the same time every night obviously) every night without fail (every single night without fail) to comfort them as they just won’t go back to sleep for their foster carers unless I’m there.

I don’t mind doing it because I want to help them and they genuinely don’t settle again for their foster carers unless I’m there to comfort them but it’s just become exhausting (for their foster carers too as obviously they are awake at the same time as well as me. None of us had a single night since August where we’ve not been awake in the night over this) and I’m sure how sustainable this is night after night, it’s been every single night without fail since about early August now, will probably be around there in the middle of the night again when they wake up and won’t settle. I feel absolutely exhausted from it every day, I know their foster carers do too so I feel for them as well. I don’t what we can do though because they don’t settle for their foster carers from nightmares unless I’m there, we’ve tried without me there but they keep asking for me and won’t settle from a nightmare unless I’m there. I’m having to sleep with my phone on loud and drive to their house every time I get a call to say they’ve woke up with a nightmare. This is as well as being there every night to say night to them at bedtime and as well as taking them out in the evenings with their foster carers (I don’t mind taking them out with their foster carers though as I enjoy it) and so on. I don’t mind doing it to help them as I know they have a lot of trauma but it’s just exhausting and I don’t think it’s sustainable every single night like this.

AIBU to just be completely exhausted from it and think this is not sustainable night after night?

Also, has anyone got any suggestions for what to do as well? Not sure what we can do though because they don’t settle unless I’m there.

OP I do not have any additional advice to give you, you have had some brilliant advice on here already. I just wanted to say that you seem like a very mature, kind, intelligent and brilliant sister. But as everyone else has said, you have to make sure you are looking after yourself too. What do you do for work? Can you take a couple of weeks annual leave until you get this situation under control? Or could you get yourself signed off by your GP due to stress. I can't comprehend how you are still working with all of this on your shoulders. As a short term, survival mode reaction- I would be sleeping in your siblings room for a few nights, just to catch up on your sleep. Sleep deprivation can have a massive impact one ones perception. A good night's sleep could help you see things more clearly. Just a silly thought but maybe something like white noise/ some other calming music whilst they are sleeping might be worth a try? But realistically, if nothing else has helped, it might be something that only time will heal.
I wish you all the best OP and good luck x

I don't have time right now to check through all the posts but has anyone suggested a behaviour modification programme (I have 30 + years of working with behaviour issues, including with autistic children)?
The problem is this: the children have learnt that if they wake up screaming in the night, you will come, so the behaviour is reinforced.. You and the foster parents need to work on reinforcing them sleeping through the night. I can send some guidance if it would help.
You're a wonderful sibling, they are so lucky to have you.

Just wondering how things are going OP?

The OP doesn't deserve this, but neither do the twins deserve their response to what they've been through to be dismissed as "shit". Have a word with yourself!

You sound like an amazing person. I wish you and your sisters all the very best - things WILL get better! xx

You sound like a saint. But you must take care of yourself.