To be absolutely exhausted and think this is just not sustainable night after night?

[BeJollyOrca]

Apologies in advance if this is long. For background information, I’m 20 years old, have 2 siblings (twins who are 11. They are autistic) who are in foster care and both parents are in prison for abusing them. They live with foster carers who are about a 5-10 minute drive from where I live, I have a job too.

Since our parents were sentenced in August my siblings have had lots of problems sleeping at night, they keep waking up multiple times a night with nightmares from the abuse they suffered (both in the day and at night) from our parents. These nightmares have only been since they were sentenced but it’s every night without fail at least one of them wakes up with nightmares about our parents. After waking up from a nightmare about it, they don’t settle for their foster carers whatsoever unless I’m there so I’m having to drive to their house in the middle of the night (loads of different times every night, sometimes 1pm sometimes 2pm sometimes 3pm and so on, not the same time every night obviously) every night without fail (every single night without fail) to comfort them as they just won’t go back to sleep for their foster carers unless I’m there.

I don’t mind doing it because I want to help them and they genuinely don’t settle again for their foster carers unless I’m there to comfort them but it’s just become exhausting (for their foster carers too as obviously they are awake at the same time as well as me. None of us had a single night since August where we’ve not been awake in the night over this) and I’m sure how sustainable this is night after night, it’s been every single night without fail since about early August now, will probably be around there in the middle of the night again when they wake up and won’t settle. I feel absolutely exhausted from it every day, I know their foster carers do too so I feel for them as well. I don’t what we can do though because they don’t settle for their foster carers from nightmares unless I’m there, we’ve tried without me there but they keep asking for me and won’t settle from a nightmare unless I’m there. I’m having to sleep with my phone on loud and drive to their house every time I get a call to say they’ve woke up with a nightmare. This is as well as being there every night to say night to them at bedtime and as well as taking them out in the evenings with their foster carers (I don’t mind taking them out with their foster carers though as I enjoy it) and so on. I don’t mind doing it to help them as I know they have a lot of trauma but it’s just exhausting and I don’t think it’s sustainable every single night like this.

AIBU to just be completely exhausted from it and think this is not sustainable night after night?

Also, has anyone got any suggestions for what to do as well? Not sure what we can do though because they don’t settle unless I’m there.

Well that's the OP's decision & clearly she want to be involved, she's trying to find a way of safely doing so.

No advice as no experience of such a heartbreaking and complicated situation. But I really do wonder how the foster carers can justify putting you in this situation, they must know that you have also had a traumatic time and see how exhausted you must be, but continue to make this problem
seemingly solely your responsibility. How long have your sisters been with these carers, are they happy there in general, forming a relationship with them? If not I’d be questioning if there was another foster carer who they may be better placed with who will make more of an attempt to bond and work to resolve these issues without constantly calling you in the middle of the night. No idea how the system works or if you would get any say in that, feels like you should but I’m sure it’s not as simple as that.

The bit that jumped out at me from your update is trying it 'for longer'. It strikes me that your sisters, due to their autism, will take longer to adjust to changes than most children would and that 'longer' needs to be a really long period - I am thinking months, not days. I think the foster carers need to agree to a decent trial of this rather than days, and need to stop involving you.

OP I’m so sorry for what you’re all going through. I would definitely raise the question of you sleeping at their house for the short term, so you can get some sleep and not be driving in the middle of the night but also I wonder if it would eventually ease their distress if you’re there when they wake overnight and they know this? It does put an awful lot of burden on you though.

You mention work - I think a sensible approach here would be to get signed off for 2-4 weeks so you aren’t trying to work and survive on so little rest. You cannot keep going like this!

Do your sisters have any insight into what they think could help them, have you spoken during the day about anything they may want to try?

You sound amazing and I am so sorry you and your siblings have had to go through the awful time you have all went through.
I hope the meeting goes well on Friday.
One thing you could consider is getting signed off work for a few weeks if that's a possibility, and try and make a new routine, for example what if you were to go round at your sisters' bed time and sit with them and reassure them before they fall asleep? And then popping over in the morning? I know it won't be easy at all in the first part but seeing them before sleep and first thing in the morning would allow you a better sleep at night and help to make things work better long term.
I know you are incredible for saying you'd like to adopt them but I think it's important you really weigh this up. I'm sure you have your own trauma you need to work through, and the fact you're very young yourself and that's a massive life change for you.
I hope everything works out well for you all. Keep chatting here if it helps.

Look if I was your social worker / relative I would be stopping this from tonight. You cannot be driving and constantly going over there in the middle of the night. You have your own job and health to think about, you could crash the car through tiredness. Tell the twins you are tired and won’t be coming over tonight, they have the teddy & bedtime time story. Go home and switch the phone off. It is the only way.

ps. Don’t think I don’t get all aspects, I truly do.

Also, there could be short term 1:1 support put in at night for the twins from a carer as well foster carer. Suggest that.

Yes, your sisters really need to be weaned off needing you there.

As regards adoption, it's unlikely you would be able to earn enough to support the three of you or that you would be considered a sensible candidate - unless the local authority were simply trying to get them off their hands and save money.

In addition your sisters should be being prepared for independent lives - you should have your own life too. You can't afford to put your job at risk by asking for time off to speed around visiting them at night, although they are your sisters they are not your responsibility.
My DD is a foster carer who looks after teenagers. Recently she's had a girl (16) living with her, a twin with special needs who has never been separated from her sibling before. She is coping fine well without him and it's become apparent that he was what was stopping her becoming independent as he took charge all the time. For this reason she has few life skills and is likely to be in care for longer than normal.

It's not a guilt trip. I'm just saying that I know people who have done similar successfully in response to the pp who said a 20 yo couldn't possibly do this. It is entirely up to op if she feels it's an option and it's agreed by ss. If she didn't feel its doable/ doesn't feel able to do it then there's nothing for her to feel remotely guilty about, it's a huge ask of anyone. I just don't accept people saying that a 20 yo couldn't possibly take on this role as I know a number who have in very similar circumstances and who still have successful careers, families and they're happy with their choices. I also know people who have stepped back and that's also been 100% the right choice for them and they still have close relationships with those siblings. It's ops choice to make and I wouldn't judge her either way on a decision. I just refute someone telling her that she can't when that call is for ss to make. As a kinship carer op would still be entitled to support and I would be more inclined to go down that route than adoption for that reason.

Do the foster carers have a spare room/sofa you could stay in for a few nights? Or could the twins stay with you at the weekends maybe?

Could you foster your siblings? (As a foster carer you would get a foster carer allowance, whereas if you adopt, you would be on your own financially. The allowance might mean you could reduce your hours and sleep in the daytime when the twins are at school?)

Could you all go away for a weekend/week (Air B&B or similar) for a change of scenery/ routine. Some sea air might help them sleep better, even if only temporarily.

I strongly agree with the person who gave you a link for you to get an advocate or your own social worker. Either you lived with your abusive parents yourself or you were in care, both of these make you a vulnerable person in need of additional support up til at least 21 and possibly up to 25 in the current system.

You need an advocate or a social worker to stand by you, look after your welfare, support you to get counselling, therapy and health support, continue your own work and education and then and only then to be a great advocate and carer for your sisters.

Trying to do it all yourself when you are vulnerable is likely to lead to carer burnout and worse situations for your sisters down the line, if they are exceptionally vulnerable themselves on multiple fronts (abuse and neglect, having neurodiversity, being in care).

You can be a brilliant advocate and caring big sister without doing all the care yourself and without running yourself into the ground. I already think going twice a day is too much, let alone the nights, I think one visit a day max and the rest of the time the foster carers need to get on with it. Otherwise, you are patching up the system and not allowing their care needs to be fully visible and yours are hidden altogether.

It sounds like your parents going to prison in August was the trigger. It could be that your sisters think you will be taken away from them too. It is an abandonment issue, and it does not help that autists are 4-7 years behind emotionally than their chronological age.

I have an 11 year old autist, whose father ditched and disappeared when they was 3. Still needs to co-sleep or they will panic. When I travel for work (not often!!) they are afraid I will not come back (as their dad told them when leaving it was for work). during the divorce, my child was afraid that the police would kidnap me and take me away when they were at school.

So the solution to you caring for them is a good one, however you will need a lot of support. Does the government where you live provide help like paying for a nanny? after school child care? Are there services for autists where you live?

Change for autists is REALLY hard, and when there is trauma involved, even harder.

Don't agree

I feel like the foster parents are going through this as much as you are, as much as your siblings are, if your looking for outsiders to say it’s ok to not be involved anymore then that’s clearly been presented. But what if the foster parents bow out too and then they’re back in care or with someone new, well that would be cruel… so why do you get an out when you don’t want them to?

Hi, your kindness really shines through and just the way you talk about your sisters and think about them. It is perfectly normal in this kind of situation for you to behave in an over responsible way to make up for the trauma your parents have caused, but it is not your guilt or responsibility to mop up all the pain and distress they have caused. Hopefully in time your siblings will find acceptance for the terrible things that have happened to them and over time that will bring healing. But you also deserve to have a life and must’ve also been through a lot. Can you also get some therapy to help support you?
I would hold off on the adoption thoughts.
Give yourself a bit of space, don’t concentrate on ‘fixing’ this problem by adopting them.
You are already in their life a great deal and I’m sure will always be. They will always have you in this way. In a way that also allows you to have a life you like one day too.
Perhaps record a couple of videos for them to watch if they wake up of you speaking kindly and saying that it’s just a bad dream that they are safe now with foster parents and that you love them. Explain that you are asleep as have to work tomorrow. But will see them soon. Maybe some allowances can also be made for them by the foster parents to perhaps let them also watch a favourite film.
Without sleep your health will suffer.
Suggest some strategies like these to the social workers who have placed them with their foster family and to tell their therapists so they have this information too and can reinforce it gently. Routines and strategies will be really important for them at the moment to help keep them feeling safe and comforted.

The reality is this is not sustainable. What do they actually do when they wake up? Are they screaming and shouting all night long until you go round? What would actually happen if you asked the foster carer not to keep calling you?

I am so sorry that you are having to endure this. It's not a sustainable situation for anyone. It sounds like your siblings need therapy, to be done by an agency that is trauma informed and also understand the added issue of their autism. Also, as many others have mentioned, medication can help. This is too serious for you to tackle alone, you shouldn't be expected to shoulder the burden of this. I don't know where you live, but the local authority need to give support.

I really feel for you all, your siblings, the long suffering foster carers and yourself, all of whom must be exhausted. You can't carry on like this. Please ask for help.

Haven't read the whole thread but... Trauma specialist here.
You and your siblings have been through a lot. It is very likely they are more trauma bonded than siblings bonded in terms of relationships to eachother and you.

If you wish to continue supporting them alongside hopefully very targetted therapy and support from ehwb services, then you need to work with their therapist to come up with a plan for how to get them to accept and be able to use alternative strategies... In the meantime, maybe you staying over at least some of the time so at least you're not driving etc, plus also speaking to camhs about sleep support which could be in the form of medication etc.

You are an incredible person and so committed. However, you must have some time for yourself. I like the suggestion of giving them an item that smells of you. Advice from a GP or Autism expert would be better. Do they have Weighted Blankets as they can give them extra security. Good luck and best wishes to the whole family.

What a wonderful sister you are. But remember YOU matter as well.
I agree with all the experienced carers and advice from them as they know what it is like. But I also think you should step back a bit and maybe just phone the girls.

SS need to find foster carers who can meet their needs.

Im so sorry for what you're going trough, it is very hard and you are sacrificing everything you can to help your sisters. On that note it is worth noting that your sister have gone trough hell and I cant even imagine the consequences abuse have left and on top they are autistic. In my opinion they should be taken of melatonin because it is very very dangerous,and the nightmare- night terrors will get worse with prolonged use of melatonin. And also if you could sleep there and maybe even in their room for some certain time until you make a plan for the long run,it would be the best for them.You are not being unreasonable to feel exhausted, but I would rather be in your shoes than in your sisters. They are the victims and you and foster cares need to do what's best for them and I hope your sisters will get better.

Oh bless you OP sounds really difficult and sounds like you are a very kind and loving sibling to have! I’d put a camp bed in the room with them, just go to sleep in there if they wake up scared can come lay next to you in bed without disturbing your sleep too much. I know they’re a bit old fir this but given the circumstances and the need for sleep that’s what I’d do!

One very sensible post in a sea of drama. I hope things are easier for you, OP, as the month has gone on.

Have you considered kinship care. It's where you get to be the Foster carer of family members. You would get an allowance, support. It maybe a better option than adoption at the moment as you may just get left with two very high needs children and no support. You are likely to get "heard" more if you can "threaten" to put them back into the system because you cannot cope, than going it alone. I know it sounds awful but such are the games you have to play. The "system" wants to offload because of the money, but support will be lessened or chanels to help made harder.