To be absolutely exhausted and think this is just not sustainable night after night?

[BeJollyOrca]

Apologies in advance if this is long. For background information, I’m 20 years old, have 2 siblings (twins who are 11. They are autistic) who are in foster care and both parents are in prison for abusing them. They live with foster carers who are about a 5-10 minute drive from where I live, I have a job too.

Since our parents were sentenced in August my siblings have had lots of problems sleeping at night, they keep waking up multiple times a night with nightmares from the abuse they suffered (both in the day and at night) from our parents. These nightmares have only been since they were sentenced but it’s every night without fail at least one of them wakes up with nightmares about our parents. After waking up from a nightmare about it, they don’t settle for their foster carers whatsoever unless I’m there so I’m having to drive to their house in the middle of the night (loads of different times every night, sometimes 1pm sometimes 2pm sometimes 3pm and so on, not the same time every night obviously) every night without fail (every single night without fail) to comfort them as they just won’t go back to sleep for their foster carers unless I’m there.

I don’t mind doing it because I want to help them and they genuinely don’t settle again for their foster carers unless I’m there to comfort them but it’s just become exhausting (for their foster carers too as obviously they are awake at the same time as well as me. None of us had a single night since August where we’ve not been awake in the night over this) and I’m sure how sustainable this is night after night, it’s been every single night without fail since about early August now, will probably be around there in the middle of the night again when they wake up and won’t settle. I feel absolutely exhausted from it every day, I know their foster carers do too so I feel for them as well. I don’t what we can do though because they don’t settle for their foster carers from nightmares unless I’m there, we’ve tried without me there but they keep asking for me and won’t settle from a nightmare unless I’m there. I’m having to sleep with my phone on loud and drive to their house every time I get a call to say they’ve woke up with a nightmare. This is as well as being there every night to say night to them at bedtime and as well as taking them out in the evenings with their foster carers (I don’t mind taking them out with their foster carers though as I enjoy it) and so on. I don’t mind doing it to help them as I know they have a lot of trauma but it’s just exhausting and I don’t think it’s sustainable every single night like this.

AIBU to just be completely exhausted from it and think this is not sustainable night after night?

Also, has anyone got any suggestions for what to do as well? Not sure what we can do though because they don’t settle unless I’m there.

https://www.nationalgeographic.com/science/article/is-melatonin-giving-you-nightmares#:~:text=Usually%2C%20side%20effects%20of%20melatonin,at%20Brigham%20and%20Women's%20Hospital.

I’m assuming that the usual expectation would be that a foster care couple would work shifts 24/7 to cover this sort of situation? I really feel for them because, well, if they don’t want to or can’t then they will have to break the arrangement which will be terrible all round.

I do think it’s best to work with the Fc rather than test out ultimatums etc. once you issue ultimatums you lose control of what happens next

Just wanted to offer my solidarity and sympathy. And say, you sound far more measured than the poster of another thread which was just deleted

Agree!!

That’s a good point about the melatonin. I tried it and had the most horrific vivid nightmares so that might also be the case for your siblings.

Could they share a bed? Even a blow up bed so they can hold and touch each other? Sometimes being next to another body can be very soothing. Or maybe you could try staying at the foster parents house for a couple of nights a week? So at least you don't have to drive?

Also a body pillow with a t-shirt you've worn for a night so it smells like you? Or weighted blankets?
White noise played at night?

You sound like an amazing sibling, however I think the foster carers need to be managing this better, with support from social workers, therapists and paediatricians. This is not sustainable. Whilst I know it must be awful for you all, but by you being so responsive, it's reinforcing the twins and the carers that they can't cope with this. They will buy it will take time.

Is this foster carers right for them? Maybe the placement needs to be discussed.
Sorry you're all going through this.

I would suggest yes all sleeping in the same room. You and the two twins. They may just need a lot of support knowing that someone they trust and know is with them at night. If they wake up you can just talk to them from your bed and say, it's OK, I'm here, it's OK and try and shush and calm them down. I used to sleep in my toddlers' rooms when they went into big beds on a matress on the floor and when the woke up scared, I'd shush from the bed and we'd go back to sleep. No big deal. Eventually the grew out of it. It didn't last. They've never been scared at night.

You could try it one night and see what happens. It might be they just need to know you are there.

Also definitely to try coming off melatonin for a bit for sure. It's not for everyone.

Ditto. You and your siblings have been through so much. This situation isn't sustainable OP, for any of you. Are your siblings under specialist care that can support. The foster carers need to contact social services. I don't have any answers but the situation needs to be reviewed.
If the foster carers had sufficient space for you to have a separate room, would that be worth considering? My heart goes out to you and your siblings

Firstly, OP, I just want to tell you that you are a truly special human and sister, and that your little siblings are incredibly lucky to have you in their lives.

However, I agree with what others have said re putting on your own oxygen mask first. You need to be functioning at your best to be able to care for your siblings to the best of your ability, and its highly unlikely that you will be able to do so on consistently broken sleep.

I’m also sure your sibling’s foster parents have their best interests at heart and want to see them soothed and happy, but they’re adults who are being paid to care for your siblings. It’s their job. And they need to put some more practical steps in place to mitigate for what’s happening. People up thread have mentioned GP appointments to access melatonin. They could also speak to their social worker or ask for a CAMHS referral for more specialist input.

in the meantime, if you’re serious about wanting to be the legal guardian of your younger siblings, you need to be able to hold down a steady job, keep your licence and have your own mental health as intact as can be so you can evidence to your LA your suitability to parent.

I am wishing you all the best with this, OP. I’ll be keeping an eye on this thread with keen interest as I do hope it works out for you and your siblings!

In terms of strategies, could you all do a social story, sit down with the carers and come up with a consistent routine (using visuals) which includes a video call from you (maybe you reading a chapter from a book once they're in bed with a clear cut off time), a transitional toy (that you've bought them representing bed) and then a guaranteed check in in the morning?

Adopting them yourself is a massive massive step. You really need to think very carefully about that. I'm the mother of an autistic child who is verbal but is perhaps unlikely to ever live independently.

Particularly at such a young age yourself you really need to think very carefully about the commitment that you might be making. It is likely to severely alter the other life choices available to you. I just want to say that whatever you choose to do you can be and are a wonderful supportive and loving sister.

Another thing to consider is also how much support would be available for you all post adoption if you take what is effectively an in-family adoption route.

You need to raise this with the social workers for your siblings. The foster carers need more support or strategies to cope and your siblings will also need a medication review. This is not sustainable for anyone.
I know you are trying to help but i would be cautious about you being the crutch/support. I have a son with autism who has had MH issues following school based trauma and the result is that I have become the reassurance for him but it becomes a cycle of support and because of the ASD its hard to break the habit. He is seeing different health professionals at camhs, but you doing that support is only creating another problem if you see what I mean.
I think there needs to be a meeting with you, foster carers and SW to discuss alternatives. This situation cannot carry on.

You are running yourself into the ground and it's not sustainable. /withdrawing nighttime support slowly is necessary for all of you. I would not be looking to move in with the foster parents.
I came on to also say try weighted blankets or https://sensoryhugs.co.uk/product/sensory-calming-koala-4lb/?srsltid=AfmBOoowUJhIXbE17paprdFNPo3c5mxXRCTWza_sQD-cMsDNKelFJyJ-

As a foster carer I'd be telling the children's sw that this is not sustainable for anyone. Our local authority have a therapy service for children in care and I'd be saying it is upmost importance that they stepping and support.

We've had children with severe night terrors who ve struggled to sleep but calling uou over every night is not the answer for anyone, although I fully get why you are doing it.

If the abuse was traumatic and they’ve just been through a court case it’s possible that has been stressful and triggered a trauma response re nightmares. Therapist needs to be aware and if so they need to be taught grounding techniques you may learn them to to prompt to use it so they learn what to do when ‘X’ happens. If it is trauma they will need to address this in sessions when they are able to. It can take time.

You are wonderful for the support you are giving them and their foster parents but it is not sustainable. I hope you all get the support needed and take care.

As a foster carer I 100% agree.

Carers should have detailed records which will evidence the situation and it definitely needs discussing with ALL parties.

OP I actually think the foster carers are awful for calling you every night. It's not helping in the long run. I understand how hard it must be - but if the foster carers call you each time then of course they won't ever develop the ability to settle them themselves!
You are putting yourself in danger driving tired. You'll become ill from exhaustion.

You need to start with one night and make it clear that you won't be coming no matter what, and I wouldn't be trying to offer things to remind them of you or as a replacement of you - the foster carers need to establish their own (different) way of settling them. Otherwise how will they ever learn to settle them?

This will be the best thing for your sisters unless you plan to live with them.

You sound like you're doing your absolute best, but you're also human, not superhuman and you can't go on like this.

Also what does their therapist say about the situation? I'm sure the healthcare professionals won't be advising this, and if they give some professional advice to the foster carers then they'd have to follow it. I am sure they'd advocate some strategies for the foster carers and I'm sure it wouldn't involve you driving over xxx

I’m very sorry to hear this. It sounds like both you and the foster carers need some respite.

No advice I’m afraid but I just wanted to tell you that you sound like an AMAZING person. We need more of you in the world 💖💖

Op, you sound amazing but this is not sustainable.

This is the foster carers responsibility, they need to get strategies in place to manage this.

Get into touch with the fostering agency/council that have care of your siblings and discuss with them a positive way forward. Be strong and assertive and don’t take any shit from SW when they ask you to continue doing what you’re doing.

Do you have an advocacy worker to support you?

please consider how identifying this post is, I advise you to take on board what has been said and ask for the thread to be removed.

Would facetiming with them help? I know you'd still be awake for a while but you wouldn't have to get out of bed and drive over, it could help while you figure out a more permanent solution.

You sound amazing and I'm sorry for everything you've all been through 💐

I'm sorry you've all been put through so much op. You sound like a fantastic sibling and like you've essentially become their safe space which is completely understandable but I can see why it's so exhausting- that's also a lot of pressure on you given the amount of trauma they're carrying. I think you need to sit down with the foster carers and social workers and regroup to be honest. The twins need specialist therapeutic support and there are various types of non verbal therapy such as equine/art/music/play that might be beneficial as well if they are autistic. Obviously 11 is still quite young to be medicated and that call would need to be made by a psychologist/psychiatrist. In the meantime I'd be asking for family conferencing to see who can support you and the foster carers and provide varying levels of respite. That could be as simple as babysitting in the evening so you can all get some sleep before going into the night knowing you'll likely be wakened. Or someone to take them out to a hobby they enjoy so you can all rest. I'm wondering if there are other things that could be explored - do the twins live near where their trauma happened and would moving further way help them to feel safer? Or conversely are there supportive and trustworthy family members they are missing they could see more of? Could you try something like a build a bear they can take to bed that has your voice inside and maybe smells like you in some way? Could you try face timing them rather than driving out to see them in person sometimes? Maybe there's a ritual the foster carers could implement to help them feel safe getting ready for bed like checking round the house, seeing the windows and doors are locked and doing something they find comforting to reinforce a feeling of reminding their brains that they are safe?

It sounds like you've taken on a care giving role to your siblings and when families have extensive trauma like this, those roles become really important to everyone involved because that's how you've all survived. So I'd also just say be gentle with yourself and remember that it is OK to let other people step in and work through this with them so they can gradually learn to trust others as well as you. That's something they'll need in order to have healthy relationships with others eventually. So I'd make sure you're also prioritising your own therapy to help you navigate this and not fully lose your own needs amongst theirs. You can only pour from a full cup and in order for them to get the best of you, you need to look after you. There's no quick or easy fix here and I really do hope you all get the support you need and that things get better and that happier, safer days are ahead.

Aren't you "on holiday" soon?

As in, you can be rung in the day for a quite chat with the siblings, but can't help at night for at least a week.

This may break the cycle. You must be firm OP.

The FC are getting paid to care for your siblings and (I presume) get training to help or at least support (I hope).

You dont, so you have to step back a bit if they are relying unfairly on you.

The GP will prescribe melatonin (tablets or liquid - whatever they prefer). I would just use these for a short period of time to try to get them out the habit of waking. Melatonin can delay/mess with puberty so you don't want to use them indefinitely.

They should fall asleep easily, and sleep deeply.

I agree with everyone, you need to look after yourself. If you want it in stark terms- you are going to crash the car driving multiple times per night and then you won't be available for them, and so whether or not they settle for someone else will become irrelevant. You can't be the only person they settle for, and/or they need more intensive care and support than the foster carers can provide.

It sounds like you have all been through a terrible time, so I don't want to sound harsh at all, but putting this all on you is continuing the cycle of stress and abuse you have all experienced, you are 20 and shouldn't be driving multiple times a night, even for your own safety.

I think you need to get in contact with their social workers and explain what's going on, perhaps the foster carers haven't let them know that this isn't working for anyone.