To be absolutely exhausted and think this is just not sustainable night after night?

[BeJollyOrca]

Apologies in advance if this is long. For background information, I’m 20 years old, have 2 siblings (twins who are 11. They are autistic) who are in foster care and both parents are in prison for abusing them. They live with foster carers who are about a 5-10 minute drive from where I live, I have a job too.

Since our parents were sentenced in August my siblings have had lots of problems sleeping at night, they keep waking up multiple times a night with nightmares from the abuse they suffered (both in the day and at night) from our parents. These nightmares have only been since they were sentenced but it’s every night without fail at least one of them wakes up with nightmares about our parents. After waking up from a nightmare about it, they don’t settle for their foster carers whatsoever unless I’m there so I’m having to drive to their house in the middle of the night (loads of different times every night, sometimes 1pm sometimes 2pm sometimes 3pm and so on, not the same time every night obviously) every night without fail (every single night without fail) to comfort them as they just won’t go back to sleep for their foster carers unless I’m there.

I don’t mind doing it because I want to help them and they genuinely don’t settle again for their foster carers unless I’m there to comfort them but it’s just become exhausting (for their foster carers too as obviously they are awake at the same time as well as me. None of us had a single night since August where we’ve not been awake in the night over this) and I’m sure how sustainable this is night after night, it’s been every single night without fail since about early August now, will probably be around there in the middle of the night again when they wake up and won’t settle. I feel absolutely exhausted from it every day, I know their foster carers do too so I feel for them as well. I don’t what we can do though because they don’t settle for their foster carers from nightmares unless I’m there, we’ve tried without me there but they keep asking for me and won’t settle from a nightmare unless I’m there. I’m having to sleep with my phone on loud and drive to their house every time I get a call to say they’ve woke up with a nightmare. This is as well as being there every night to say night to them at bedtime and as well as taking them out in the evenings with their foster carers (I don’t mind taking them out with their foster carers though as I enjoy it) and so on. I don’t mind doing it to help them as I know they have a lot of trauma but it’s just exhausting and I don’t think it’s sustainable every single night like this.

AIBU to just be completely exhausted from it and think this is not sustainable night after night?

Also, has anyone got any suggestions for what to do as well? Not sure what we can do though because they don’t settle unless I’m there.

They will probably have some of these already, but weighted blankets, star projectors, hand held nightlights they can be in charge of, weighted stuffed animals, sensory body sacks, and audiobook players they control themselves could be useful tools. With the Yoto player you can get blank cards that your record yourself onto, so you can 'read' them bedtime stories. I would go for one aimed at much younger children like 'Winnie-the-Pooh' which has absolutely nothing scary in it. If you have any old t-shirts you could sacrifice, one each for them to put on a teddy or just snuggle with would be good. You should wear it for a few hours first so it has a hint of your scent.

I'm so sorry you'll all going through this. Wishing you the best.

OP you have done an amazing job supporting your siblings so far, I honestly don’t think many could have under the same circumstances ❤️

I would recommend you take time to think about adoption and full time care of your siblings. You are very young and the emotional support alone will likely even more taxing (this is not meant to be a patronising comment, just an honest one).

I don’t have extensive understanding of these types of situations but what I do know is financial assistance can be capped or removed if children are looked after by familial relatives. Speak with as many agencies as possible to get the full picture about what support will be available to you in the short and longterm.

You sound like an incredible young woman OP. Are you also getting therapy?

It’s worth exploring whether you could be a kinship carer for them. Other posters will know better, but that might be preferable to adoption as I think you’d get financial support and ongoing help from social services.

But it’s also okay if you can’t give over your life for them. It sounds like you feel a huge amount of responsibility, but you are so young and you don’t have to sacrifice yourself because of what your parents did. It’s not your fault.

Oh bless you, firstly I think you need to contact their social worker and a meeting needs to be set up with the foster carers and yourself.
I know you love your siblings and are going above and beyond to look out for them, but you must look after yourself.
You are so young please don’t feel pressured or a sense of obligation to adopt them, I have a son with severe learning difficulties, autistic and non verbal and it truly takes over your life, we love him as we’re his parents, but I really wouldn’t want his sister who is 2 years older than you to take on the parental role should both myself and my husband die.
You are amazing, but your allowed to put yourself first.

You are an amazing big sister.
But this sounds very unsafe. You’re driving while tired, on your own in the middle of the night. I’d really have hated to think of one of my DDs doing that at your age.
This isn’t your problem to solve, the foster carers have resources they can call on and SS should also be actively involved.
Only short term solution I can think of is you having a room to sleep at the foster carers house. Maybe your siblings would sleep better if they knew you were in the house.

There’s also a conversation about me potentially adopting them, my idea.

With respect, I’d suggest if you are minded to care for them long term you do this under a fostering arrangement, not adoption or a Special Guardianship Order. The reason being while they are in foster care the local authority have a corporate parenting responsibility for them, which means supports and therapies are easier to access - not easy, but easier. They will also be entitled to through care and after care services which they won’t be if you adopt them.

I’m an adoptive parent and support is almost impossible to get in any meaningful way. As a foster carer you’ll also get an allowance for caring for them which is very difficult to get as an adopter and which will give you options in terms of work, housing etc. The local authority will resist you fostering because kinship care and adoption are much cheaper and they can effectively wash their hands of you all but adoption of older children is very, very tough and they’re clearly in need of specialist long term support.

In this situation you may find a permanent fostering arrangement with carers and you continuing to be a caring other might be the best arrangement for you all.

Can you just sleep at the fostered?

You are twenty sweetheart. You need to live your life and be a sibling not a parent . The foster carers need to do their job and reach out for professional help not enlist you every night.
You should be there for the fun times and spending lovely times together but the twins need to learn to self regulate without you there.
I'm not sure that you should adopt your siblings, I'm not sure you can unless a judge decides they should be adopted (I've adopted) but that's for another day.
I'm not sure how this should be achieved but I'm glad you posted on here, you sound wonderful and I hope you have a wonderful future ahead of you.
I know @Jellycatspyjamas is a SW I'm assuming she's on this thread?

Oh sweetie what you're doing is amazing, but look after yourself first too xxx

Cross-thread, sorry!

Living with them for a bit sounds the best plan. What a great sister.

I know a SW I'm assuming she's on this thread?

I am indeed here @outandunder

I agree with those saying they need medication. My son has ASD amongst other things, and takes 2 medications currently for sleep, Circadin and Slenyto.
You are totally correct that this is unsustainable for you, exhaustion is incredibly dangerous.

Yes, my cousin's son was prescribed Melatonin as a child. (ASD and ADHD.)

I'm sorry OP, this sounds like such a difficult situation. My first thought was, for now, could you perhaps stay overnight with them. Not sure how practical this would be, or how this could be changed in the future. The current set up clearly isn't working for any of you. You are such a wonderful sibling to them.

This is so sad, for all of you 😔 and you sound mature beyond your years.

The twins should be with you at night, is there any situation where you are their carer at night and foster carers take over during the day?

Whilst ultimately not your responsibility, they are your siblings, and you are their guardian (from their perspective).

I think you adopting them would be the best decision all round, they won't be young forever, but you'll still be young when they've grown.

Living with them for a bit sounds the best plan. What a great sister.

Only if the OP is likely to take over their care full time in the near future. The problem with being there daily, and twice/three times daily is that the foster carers really need to be providing day to day care including overnight. It’s what they’re trained and paid to do and the longer the OP is filling in the gaps, the more hidden the kids needs become. The short term kindness masks the longer term impact on everyone concerned.

@BeJollyOrca how long have they been with these carers and what was it like before?

Coming off melatonin to start, weighted blankets, a teddy made out of your clothes for them so you are 'there' with them. Maybe a recording of you telling them they are ok, or reading a story they can listen to going back to sleep.

As others have said, please reconsider your idea of adopting them. Usually I would say to go for it, but with their needs and very respectfully, your age, I think it is a huge burden to take on especially by yourself. Your entire life will be about them, and that is not fair to you. It will also limit the support they get. Staying involved, being an advocate and a consistent loving sister is a massive benefit to them, and will make all the difference in their lives. Please dont wear yourself out to support your sisters.

My initial instinct was disappointment in the foster carers. They’re trained and paid professionals, even more so as they’ve been approved to care for multiple children and children with additional needs. As harsh as it sounds, they need to just get on with it. At 20 you are still very young and it’s unfair for them to be leaning on you so heavily. Having you back and forth is drawing out the settling in process for your siblings. Of course you want to be there for them, you sound like a brilliant sister, but it shouldn’t be asked of you in such a way.

In terms of adopting them, being with family isn’t always best in these situations. Whilst they’re in care they have access to so much support that they’ll lose once they’re adopted and it is a long process to reinstate a lot of the support

I agree with those who suggest that you adopting them is not a good idea. Think how exhausting it is for three of you working with them at the moment - you'd be doing it solo, with nobody to call on to help. You're being a brilliant sibling, and hopefully you can continue being so (but hopefully finding a way for it not to be every night). But at 20, you should be prioritising your own education and career, while the professionals try to help your sisters work through the trauma.

Yes I was thinking that you’d be better off with this than adoption as financially you’d get the support but also with therapy and respite too.

You’ve done so well but you must have been through a lot too and you’ve got your life to plan so take one step at a time. What do you want from your life now?

If you want to foster/adopt them, please go to the adoption board on Mumsnet.

I know that financially it is better to foster (as a relative) but I don't know any more than that. It might be that it is financially viable for you to become a carer for them, with carers allowance, PIP and so on. It might be worth doing some research.

Certainly you shouldn't be having your sleep disturbed every night like that. It is not sustainable.

This.
Hard I know but you can't carry on like this and nor can ghe twins. They are dependant upon you, but it can't go on.

This can't be right. Your siblings foster parents are phoning you to settle them at night? Who pays the foster parents? you and they should be engaging with them.

I know you love your siblings, but I would strongly recommend not adopting them.

You may (possibly, not definitely) conclude you wouldn't mind fostering them, but if you adopt them, then the most likely outcome is that the state has then absolved itself of all its responsibilities and it no longer does anything to help.

I think, given the amount of trauma your siblings have suffered, that the best option for them and for you is likely to be that they are cared for by professionals foster carers who have access to respite and that you continue to be an extremely loving, extremely caring and very involved sibling.