To be absolutely exhausted and think this is just not sustainable night after night?

[BeJollyOrca]

Apologies in advance if this is long. For background information, I’m 20 years old, have 2 siblings (twins who are 11. They are autistic) who are in foster care and both parents are in prison for abusing them. They live with foster carers who are about a 5-10 minute drive from where I live, I have a job too.

Since our parents were sentenced in August my siblings have had lots of problems sleeping at night, they keep waking up multiple times a night with nightmares from the abuse they suffered (both in the day and at night) from our parents. These nightmares have only been since they were sentenced but it’s every night without fail at least one of them wakes up with nightmares about our parents. After waking up from a nightmare about it, they don’t settle for their foster carers whatsoever unless I’m there so I’m having to drive to their house in the middle of the night (loads of different times every night, sometimes 1pm sometimes 2pm sometimes 3pm and so on, not the same time every night obviously) every night without fail (every single night without fail) to comfort them as they just won’t go back to sleep for their foster carers unless I’m there.

I don’t mind doing it because I want to help them and they genuinely don’t settle again for their foster carers unless I’m there to comfort them but it’s just become exhausting (for their foster carers too as obviously they are awake at the same time as well as me. None of us had a single night since August where we’ve not been awake in the night over this) and I’m sure how sustainable this is night after night, it’s been every single night without fail since about early August now, will probably be around there in the middle of the night again when they wake up and won’t settle. I feel absolutely exhausted from it every day, I know their foster carers do too so I feel for them as well. I don’t what we can do though because they don’t settle for their foster carers from nightmares unless I’m there, we’ve tried without me there but they keep asking for me and won’t settle from a nightmare unless I’m there. I’m having to sleep with my phone on loud and drive to their house every time I get a call to say they’ve woke up with a nightmare. This is as well as being there every night to say night to them at bedtime and as well as taking them out in the evenings with their foster carers (I don’t mind taking them out with their foster carers though as I enjoy it) and so on. I don’t mind doing it to help them as I know they have a lot of trauma but it’s just exhausting and I don’t think it’s sustainable every single night like this.

AIBU to just be completely exhausted from it and think this is not sustainable night after night?

Also, has anyone got any suggestions for what to do as well? Not sure what we can do though because they don’t settle unless I’m there.

The foster carers shouldn't be putting this on you. What would they do if you weren't able to go?

They will learn to settle it you don’t go, it will be hard and there may be several nights where they are unsettled but the foster carers should be trained to deal with this. If they’re not able to cope with the children when unsettled I would be questioning whether the placement is suitable. Your siblings have learnt that if they have a meltdown in the middle of the night you will come and you need to break this cycle because it is not in anyone’s best interests. The foster carers and you need to agree and be clear with your siblings that you can’t go over in the middle of the night, and the foster carers need to not call you up. Instead of going in the middle of the night maybe arrange to go over early in the morning for when your siblings are getting up (eg: 7am) and be clear that you won’t be turning up before this no matter how unsettled your siblings are, once they realise that you aren’t coming in the middle of the night they will learn to settle and if you are going to be there for 7am you know they are never going to be upset waiting for more than a few hours whilst they’re getting used to it.

Is it possible for you to spend the nights with your siblings for a few weeks? Maybe on a mattress in their bedroom? It would be less disruptive for everyone and perhaps they would sleep better knowing you are close.
Poor children, how they must be suffering.
Hopefully they will eventually settle down with the foster carers and perhaps there is some way that you can adopt them - but it would be a huge change in your own life.

I really don't think you should adopt them OP. You are too young to make this decision - it's almost impossible for you to imagine what you will want from life in, say, ten years time.

Please do listen to those advising you to avoid this. You may well be 'encouraged' towards it as you will solve a problem for the authorities - but it will not be in your best interests - or theirs, necessarily, since you as a family will no longer be eligible for some important things.

You can still be the amazing sibling you so clearly are, without doing this.

Also - do take note of the poster upthread who said that melatonin can cause nightmares.

OP, please google EMDR therapy. It is often used for children (& adults) who have experienced trauma.

Has this been mentioned in their therapy at all? You can’t go on like this so it should be mentioned to the social services and they should find a way for the foster parents to deal with this. Maybe one night just say you can’t go and let the foster carers deal with it.
It’s a hard situation to deal with, for all of you.

OP, please google EMDR therapy. It is often used for children (& adults) who have experienced trauma.

EMDR isn’t ideal for complex trauma, which these two have experienced. I’m thinking the current therapist will have a treatment plan which should be long term. There really aren’t any shortcuts to treating complex trauma in children I’m afraid.

Like a few PPs I was wondering if you could sleep at the foster carers’ house - perhaps even share a room with your siblings if there is space and if you are willing. This might mean everyone gets a full night’s sleep.

This would be a temporary solution and gradually you would take steps towards your withdrawal overnight - eg perhaps as a next step you sleep there but in another room for a while (if one is available) or you visit just at bedtime and they have a teddy which represents you to comfort them in the night.

I am not sure I agree with the posters who say just leave it to the fosterers to sort out. Yes in theory they should be able to cope but in reality this could lead to the foster placement breaking down if the fosterers become exhausted. I think you all need to find a solution for now that gets you all sleep, with a view to gradually working towards them sleeping without your support.

I do agree with the posters who say that you fostering or adopting them is too much at your age, but a very lovely thing for you to even consider. You sound amazing.

I am not sure I agree with the posters who say just leave it to the fosterers to sort out. Yes in theory they should be able to cope but in reality this could lead to the foster placement breaking down if the fosterers become exhausted. I think you all need to find a solution for now that gets you all sleep, with a view to gradually working towards them sleeping without your support.

It’s not the OPs responsibility to find a solution, it’s for the foster carers and the local authority. It may be that these carers simply aren’t skilled enough to manage and support the level of need these children have in which case it would better that a more suitable placement is found for them because it’ll breakdown sooner or later.

Hi @BeJollyOrca I know you’re an adult but you are only just landing on the edge of adulthood. There is no doubt that you have seen, heard and experienced enough trauma to have caused significant dysfunction for yourself also. I am 52 and am only really scratching the surface of my own trauma and how it affects me and those I love. Don’t wait and let affect you later. Get counselling. Get some medication to help you sleep now so that you can be affective during the day. Take some space from the kids and the courts to do “normal” things with “normal” young people who can take you out of that headspace for a little while and make you smile. Allow yourself to believe that you deserve it. The kids are safe. You are safe. The fuckers are in jail. (God, I’m so proud of you!)

I think maybe you need to have a talk with the foster carers and reach a compromise. Don’t stop going around entirely, but let them know you’re knackered and your lack of sleep is becoming dangerous. Start with one night where you let them know you are going to have to leave your phone switched off because you literally can’t function. Let them kids know that you love them and you are going to call them in the morning, but you need to sleep or you are going to get sick. Do this a couple of times a week and then stretch it out.

Yes fair point - I’m assuming that these foster carers are great in every other way, and therefore it’s worth trying to work through the sleep issue - but this may not be the case.

This must be so distressing for you and your siblings. Video yourself talking to them reassuring them that everything is okay but you can’t come over tonight. Tell them you love them and then play some music that you know they like that will calm them as you whisper “go to sleep now” or what ever you think is best. Get the fosters carers to play the video on their phone. I think you are too young to adopt, it’s better you are there for them but not with them. Look after yourself. It must feel that the responsibility is all on you, it isn’t and it shouldn’t be.

A special teddy
Your recorded voice
meditation: the mindful movement have some good ones in you tube,’. Called deep sleep meditation.

Lastly medication for them, maybe start with some herbal/natural ones

If you continue going this will never stop

Absolutely and an essential part of EMDR is developing the ability to 'pendulate' - be able to self soothe and calm yourself when you are agitated and upset. Its covered in the first few stages and if you cant do it, you cant move on to processing work. Being a child or Autistic is not a bar to EMDR but it certainly makes it less likely to be able to proceed through all the stages. I hear it sold a lot as a magic cure for people who dont like or cant talk about their problems - not talking is one thing, but if you dont like to talk about problems because you cannot stand the internal state it produces, that is not helpful.

I think the twins know that you will come running as this has been going on for months. You mentioned adoption but fostering may be the wiser option as you would have more support from ss. If you fostered them would they sleep for you? Because 24/7 without a break could be really tricky.

This is the best decision for those poor kids. Their sister has the heart for it also

Bless you, @BeJollyOrca, you sound so mature for such a young woman. I have a DC the same age! Your love for your siblings comes across - I'm not sure how such parents produced such a loving DD.

I don't think you should adopt your siblings. I think coping with two troubled teenagers would be a step too far for you. I hope you have access to counselling and support yourself. You need to look after yourself or you won't be able to support them the twins. Driving exhausted is so dangerous. Please don't keep on doing that sweetheart. It's sadly an accident waiting to happen.

You need to speak to the sw and the foster parents. There has to be another way to deal with this situation. They're the ones who need to find it, not you. Facetime them if you have to, rather than driving there.

You are a very impressive young woman, and you deserve to have a good and a happy life ahead of you. I hope you can all heal in time and move on with your lives. Best wishes xx

I’m so sorry for my long delay in replying. I’ve only just had time now to sit down and read everyone’s replies and respond fully. There’s a meeting tomorrow morning actually with their foster carers and social services so I will raise all this again in the meeting tomorrow. I’m not sure if I’ve said but they are already in therapy and they are aware of this sleep issue too. They are already on Melatonin although I will raise the concern that this may be making nightmares worse. We’ve tried both phone calls and video calling in the night but they just won’t settle unless I’m physically there, nothing else seems to work. I’m not sure what the long term solution is. We tried it where I didn’t go for 2 nights but it just didn’t work so we went back to me going every time they wake up in the night with a nightmare about our parents. I just feel exhausted 24/7 because of it. Haven’t crashed my car though thankfully. Sometimes I’m to go twice in the same night too, for example at 1am and then for example 3am, but sometimes it’s just once, it’s at least every night without fail though. They’ve been in foster care for 10 months. These nightmares have only been since our parents sentencing in August though, first time it happened was on the night of the sentencing. We’ve tried other things as well and worked with social services on this too but there’s just nothing that seems to work. We’ve tried them having something that reminds them of me and that smells like me but that doesn’t work either. The only thing we’ve not tried is me spending the night at their foster carers house. As well as going in the night I’m also there when they go to bed and also within an hour of them waking up in the morning too, every single day.

In terms of adopting them, that’s just a conversation at the moment and we haven’t moved anything forward with that yet. It’s just something I’ve been thinking about (since before this issue with sleeping/nightmares) that I’ve discussed with social services a few times and they seem supportive of the idea.

I don't think it is. I think it's too much of a challenge to put on such a young woman's shoulders.

You poor pet, you must be utterly shattered. You can't carry on like that - it's not fair to expect you to either xx

Re driving in the night, no choice unfortunately as I don’t want to walk there alone in the middle of the night so that’s why I drive it. It’s a 5 minute drive at most!

I’ll raise all this in the meeting tomorrow but I just don’t know where we go from here with their sleeping issue as we’ve already tried most other potential solutions. I don’t think the foster carers or social workers know where we go from here with their sleeping issue either to be honest.

What about a video of you,
Reassuring them and telling them it's safe and important to sleep.

Start a consistent schedule of visits in the morning on your way to work so they know that you're not there at 3am but will visit at 7:30am etc

FaceTime before bed too maybe?

As someone else said a Teddy or similar thay smells like you for them to cuddle

We’ve tried the foster carers using a recording of my voice saying night and reading a bedtime story etc as well but it just doesn’t work.

Please don't adopt them and please don't apologise for the delay in replying to us - we all just what's best for you and will be here as and when it's helpful for you.

The reason I link the apologising to us and adopting your poor siblings is because it's obvious that you're so broken down, stressed, very likely traumatised yourself and thus altogether in no position whatsoever to make such a life changing decisions right now. You need to re-learn your own personal worth and boundaries in order to have a shot at building and enjoying a life of your own - I speak from experience when I promise you that only then will you be any fit state to even consider taking on more responsibility for your siblings.

Finally, as others have said, if you adopt you'll lose so, so much support. It will be dreadful, honestly. Your poor thing. I know it must be heartbreaking. You are amazing.