To be absolutely exhausted and think this is just not sustainable night after night?

[BeJollyOrca]

Apologies in advance if this is long. For background information, I’m 20 years old, have 2 siblings (twins who are 11. They are autistic) who are in foster care and both parents are in prison for abusing them. They live with foster carers who are about a 5-10 minute drive from where I live, I have a job too.

Since our parents were sentenced in August my siblings have had lots of problems sleeping at night, they keep waking up multiple times a night with nightmares from the abuse they suffered (both in the day and at night) from our parents. These nightmares have only been since they were sentenced but it’s every night without fail at least one of them wakes up with nightmares about our parents. After waking up from a nightmare about it, they don’t settle for their foster carers whatsoever unless I’m there so I’m having to drive to their house in the middle of the night (loads of different times every night, sometimes 1pm sometimes 2pm sometimes 3pm and so on, not the same time every night obviously) every night without fail (every single night without fail) to comfort them as they just won’t go back to sleep for their foster carers unless I’m there.

I don’t mind doing it because I want to help them and they genuinely don’t settle again for their foster carers unless I’m there to comfort them but it’s just become exhausting (for their foster carers too as obviously they are awake at the same time as well as me. None of us had a single night since August where we’ve not been awake in the night over this) and I’m sure how sustainable this is night after night, it’s been every single night without fail since about early August now, will probably be around there in the middle of the night again when they wake up and won’t settle. I feel absolutely exhausted from it every day, I know their foster carers do too so I feel for them as well. I don’t what we can do though because they don’t settle for their foster carers from nightmares unless I’m there, we’ve tried without me there but they keep asking for me and won’t settle from a nightmare unless I’m there. I’m having to sleep with my phone on loud and drive to their house every time I get a call to say they’ve woke up with a nightmare. This is as well as being there every night to say night to them at bedtime and as well as taking them out in the evenings with their foster carers (I don’t mind taking them out with their foster carers though as I enjoy it) and so on. I don’t mind doing it to help them as I know they have a lot of trauma but it’s just exhausting and I don’t think it’s sustainable every single night like this.

AIBU to just be completely exhausted from it and think this is not sustainable night after night?

Also, has anyone got any suggestions for what to do as well? Not sure what we can do though because they don’t settle unless I’m there.

We’ve also tried a teddy and other items that smell like me too but that’s not worked as a solution either. I don’t want it to feel like I’m rejecting everyone’s suggestions as I really appreciate everyone’s suggestions and your time in replying but we’ve just tried most of them already unfortunately.

Two nights without you isn't enough for them to learn new coping strategies.

You cannot be up in the night constantly for the rest of your life, this has to be changed, it may be more support is needed, or residential care or different foster carers, but you are going to make yourself ill.

My concern is that your trauma has been lost in all this as you have stepped forward as carer, but it is your parents and your trauma too.

I agree with everyone, post on the Adoption board, as I'm not sure that is at all the best solution for them or you, given that you are likely to be left alone with them if that goes ahead whereas if they remain in long-term foster care or residential care, then they get more support and therapy. I am not knowledgeable about this, so get the advice of the people there. I think years of this could break you as they go through the teen years and that's not fair on you or them.

Unfortunately, and I say this as someone who has been a carer and negotiated with the social workers about care packages, it is only when you say 'enough', I cannot do this any more, that they find proper solutions. A teddy with your voice isn't enough of a solution at this stage. The solution can't be you make yourself ill and then risk your ability to care for them anyway.

For short term I'd ask to sleep in their room. At least you can get some decent rest. Then you might be able to do withdrawal after a period of time. Sleeping downstairs then trying a night without you. I would get a plan written up before anything though so your all on same page

Do you mind me asking how long they leave it before they say it isn't working? I also wonder whether, if you find it hard to say no to the foster carers, you could visit your GP whose (inevitable) advice that you're exhausted and that it isn't safe for you to be driving in the night like this anymore you can then 'pass on' to the foster carers. And/ or do you have a partner who could help advocate for you?

Social work will be keen re adoption because - to be blunt - it gets the kids off their books. I’m an adoptive parent to two very traumatised children and while I love them to bits, it’s very difficult. Especially as they reach teenage years, even as a social worker and trauma specialist.

In terms of sleep, I’d be tempted to go right back to the start. By that I mean take every stressor off them - take them out of school for a couple of weeks, have a routine at home, and if they’re waking in the night the foster carers sit with them without worrying about getting them back to sleep. Take the pressure off everyone to get back to sleep, they can rest, do quiet activities, watch tv with foster carers but not stressing about sleep. And they can sleep during the day if they don’t sleep at night - break the association of night waking with trauma.

What happened re sentencing? Were they in court, how was it explained to them and what do they understand about prison. Is there someone doing therapeutic life story work with them separate to the therapy?

That sounds so so hard. I'm so sorry you and your siblings are going through this. It does not sound at all sustainable for anyone. Are you working at the moment? If so I don't know how you are coping. Lack of sleep plus the worry about your siblings and whatever trauma you have all been through because of your parents is far too much to cope with. You need to look after your own health so you can be strong enough to look after your family. Can the twins be prescribed something to help them sleep through the night? I don't know enough about what's available or the addictive qualities/ side effects to know if this is a good or bad idea. So sorry you are going through this. It is exhausting for everyone. You sound a lovely caring person, so do remember to also take care of yourself. Wishing you the best. x

Hi @BeJollyOrca I'm so sorry to read your posts. I think you are a truly remarkable young woman.

I have adopted twins, currently awaiting an autism assessment, and they struggle with sleep And we have found a weighted blanket has hugely helped calm their nervous systems. They go to sleep more quickly and they sleep more deeply. This is one suggestion.

My second suggestion is drawing and/or talking about the dreams they're having. Are they repetitive dreams? If so, breaking them down can be quite powerful. It might seem counterintuitive but I personally found doing this helped me when I was processing trauma.

I worry that the twins and the foster carers will become too reliant on you and this is clearly not sustainable.

How much do the children know/understand about what has happened to your parents? Just asking as you said it was only triggered by the sentencing. Were your parents on remand prior to that? Presumably they got a long sentence? How long is it since they've had any contact with your parents/been in foster care?

You must consider therapy for yourself too- I know you're older but you must've witnessed or experienced abuse yourself. You've done very well to escape and abusive home and make a life for yourself. You sound like you've been able to maintain a close bond with your siblings while living away from home.

This is so tricky because although the foster carers are being paid and have been trained, the fact is that you are the one who has always been there with these children, and who smells and sounds like home. It just isn't possible for other adults to offer that however well trained.
I think your siblings are more likely to move past this painful phase if they have more access to you, not less. Their parents have already been taken away, and however badly they treated the children (and you) the children probably still love and miss them. Losing you now would make everything much worse for them.
All this is very very hard on you, OP, especially after having had an abusive childhood yourself. I hope you can find some solution. Preferably one where you are not the only carer, so that you can have your own life; but so that you are close at hand, especially at night, at least for now.

It’ll be an SGO they’re looking at as a family member. They avoid adoption as it alters the dynamics a lot.

I have one for my granddaughters. It’s great in one way. Legally they aren’t looked after children anymore etc. However, you have to fight for ongoing financial and emotional support.

Talk to SS about being a kinship Foster carer for a while first!

Hi @BeJollyOrca,

I really feel for you in this situation. My DS is ND and has cPTSD from medical trauma in his early years, so I can understand a little of what you are coping with.

My DS also wakes at night and it takes a lot of work for us to get him to sleep and get him back to sleep.

The thing I want to tell you is that my DS is in a loving home with two very engaged parents, and it is still really hard. The trauma is very deep and very long lasting, and it's not a matter of just keeping going for another few weeks until he settles. It just goes on and on, and it got dramatically worse at puberty (age 14). At that age things got harder at school and the real world stated to imping on his sense of safety and the anxiety escalated very dramatically.

I think that it may be that you need to just stop going at night and look after yourself, and the forster carers might need to ride out the storm. I think you are too young for this responsibility and you also have lost your parents so you need looking after too. I really think you need to take care of yourself and allow other adults to case for your siblings.

Is it possible that you could just step back and let the dam burst there? It might be that they will find a way through if you step back.

Take care and look after yourself. You really deserve some safety now.

I’m thinking maybe you should suggest sleeping in their room every night. I know this isn’t ideal. You are an adult and you need your own life. You need to keep your flat though so you have your own adult space for the rest of the time. Hopefully things will improve faster if you’re there every night to begin with. You’ll get far more sleep that way too. I hope things begin to get better before too long. Thank goodness they have you as you obviously care so much about them.

Also one of my twins would become preoccupied at night about one of their birth parents (also in prison) as they were worried about them being in prison and this worry would intensify at night time. We had a lot of (age appropriate) honest talks about how life might be or how their day may have gone. These chats in the day would be reassuring and would lead to less worrying at night.

I appreciate this might not be right for your situation but share in case it may help.

Do the nighmares occur at about the same time every night? When my oldest had night terrors I roused him just before he usually had them, not to fully awake, and then let him drift back to sleep. Very quickly the night terrors subsided.

I realise it is up to the foster carers, just putting my experience out there in hopes it may help.

You have so much to cope with and sound like you're doing an amazing job.
I echo what others have said about putting on your own oxygen mask. You don't say what your other commitments are (work/study/friends etc) but it's really important that you are able to work towards your own goals and care for yourself (including getting enough sleep!). And unfortunately, no-one will advocate for you so you need to work out what it is you need and be very clear about it.

Some of these suggestions may be totally unworkable, but this is what you might want to consider:

• is there any space for you to move in with the FCs (if you wanted to and this would work for you?)? Your siblings might, over time, be reassured by your nearness, but in the time this takes to happen it might be a bit more manageable for you.
• in the short term could you switch to being available every other night? This would mean you get some sleep at least. And even if you did stay over at FCs you might still want to take it in turns.
• is there the possibility that if the FCs were to try and access more support that you could act as respite for the FCs in a paid capacity? Either overnight or daytime? This might allow you to continue to support your siblings but allows for some more flex in your own personal system that enables you to continue to care well for yourself.

If nothing has worked then the only solution is for you to live with them but not sure if they will create more attachment or if it will help them recover from the trauma.

I haven't read all the replies but am so sorry you all find yourselves in this situation. Whilst it is in no way your fault that they have been through this horrendous situation, and continue to suffer as a result, it seems clear that you are their security and safety. Can you not sleep at the foster carers' house so that you are on hand when they wake? Driving to the house several times a night is not sustainable for any of you

Is there anyway you could stay overnight at the foster carers? Sorry you and your siblings are going through this.

Oh gosh what an awful situation.

You sound amazing but this is not a fair situation for you. No wonder you're exhausted.

In the long term it's not helpful for you to be on call every night. They need to learn to settle without you. For everyone's sake.

I just want to send you huge hugs. You are around the same age as my kids but have had a much tougher life. You sound like a wonderful sweet person and I hope your future is bright. You deserve it.

This sound terrible for everyone involved. :(( is there a possibility of your siblings sleeping at your place for sometime instead of you driving back and forth?

No real advice but you sound like an amazing sister. Also bear in mind that you are doing this because you want to help your sisters, but not because you HAVE to. Foster carers can cope with traumatised, disabled children and if they can't then they are not the right foster carers for your sisters. Not all children in care are going to have a sibling who loves them deeply, and the carers would have to find ways to help the children without this support. All the time you are going through every night because you want to support your sisters, that is great, but if you get to the point where you are going because the carers can't cope without you, then it's time social services provided better care.

Can they be taken to your house when they wake up? So you're not the one driving? There's two foster parents.

There's no easy solution here it's very tough.