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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To walk away immediately from this

306 replies

Consoprize · 03/11/2024 07:34

I met a man through a mutual group of friends. Let’s call him Chad . We’ve been seeing each other a few months, although nothing serious yet.

Chad and I are supposed to go on a trip at the end of november to see a concert. I have the tickets and hotel booking and he hasn’t paid his share yet.

Our mutual friends are throwing an engagement party in December. We were both invited. The engaged couple know we’ve been seeing each other. It’s not a secret.

An old flame of Chad’s is also going to the party. She is flying in from overseas. I know he hasn’t seen her since she left the U.K but they were casually dating before she left.

I jokingly asked Chad if I needed to be concerned that he’d be with her at the party, rather than me.

Chad said he actually wasn’t sure…but feels it might be best to agree that he and I aren’t “together” at the party itself as he “doesn’t want to be in a difficult situation”.

I have told Chad that that didn’t work for me, that I’m keeping the concert tickets and to not contact me ever again.

Chad wants to talk about it some more. Chad thinks he should be allowed more time to think it through. He feels I’m being pushy and giving him an ultimatum.

I’ve told Chad to shove it up his arse and the very fact he even has to think about it, tells me everything I need to know about how he perceives me. He thinks that’s unfair of me before we’ve even talked about it.

I don’t think IABU here, surely?

OP posts:
Dreamerinme · 03/11/2024 07:37

He’s clearly told you he wants to keep his options open so YANBU to throw this one back. What a creep.

heldinadream · 03/11/2024 07:40

@Consoprize 💪
Chad 🙄🚩🚩🚩
Well done OP.

ZippyPeer · 03/11/2024 07:42

Suggests he severely lacks imagination, how can he not realise how this would make you feel? What an idiot

Nightsaidfred · 03/11/2024 07:43

Good on you Consoprize, you did the right thing 👏.

SensibleSigma · 03/11/2024 07:43

Man tries to have his cake and eat it. Discovers woman isn’t a cafe.

UpTheMagicChristmasTree · 03/11/2024 07:44

Nope, you aren't just an option, you are worth far more than that. Lucky escape!

catin8oots · 03/11/2024 07:45

Fuck Chad silly prat.

Go you OP

sandgrown · 03/11/2024 07:45

How serious was their relationship before she upped and left? Maybe when she left he was upset and genuinely does not know how he will feel when he sees her again. He should not deny you are together but maybe he is just being honest .

RampantIvy · 03/11/2024 07:46

SensibleSigma · 03/11/2024 07:43

Man tries to have his cake and eat it. Discovers woman isn’t a cafe.

Brilliant analogy.

Well done @Consoprize

StMarieforme · 03/11/2024 07:46

SensibleSigma · 03/11/2024 07:43

Man tries to have his cake and eat it. Discovers woman isn’t a cafe.

This is brilliant!

OP you've made the right choice. Some men will always try to hedge their bets and he's one of them.

QueSyrahSyrah · 03/11/2024 07:49

YABU to have called him Chad because in my head he then never had a chance, no matter how the story had unfolded.

However YANBU for telling Chad to get fucked. Enjoy the concert, and the party, where you will be fabulous and look fabulous and laugh in his Chaddy face.

Wigglywoowho · 03/11/2024 07:49

You don't need to talk about it. It sounds like he eith wants to keep his options open or is worried about hurting her feelings. He hasn't considered you or your feelings in his response. Move on. No one wants to be second best or the back up plan.

Boobygravy · 03/11/2024 07:50

Well done op.
He tried to use you as a side bet and nobody should be a side bet.

Love the cafe analogy @SensibleSigma .

TurtlesDoNotPetsMake · 03/11/2024 07:51

You rock op.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 03/11/2024 07:52

You dodged a bullet there. If you hadn’t made that joke you wouldn’t have seen his moral compass.

fallenbranches · 03/11/2024 07:53

Wow so he thinks you're being unreasonable because you don't want to be on standby while he decides whether he prefers an ex flame to you or not...?
YANBU. You absolute did the right thing.

Consoprize · 03/11/2024 07:54

sandgrown · 03/11/2024 07:45

How serious was their relationship before she upped and left? Maybe when she left he was upset and genuinely does not know how he will feel when he sees her again. He should not deny you are together but maybe he is just being honest .

Not serious at all! They were just sleeping together.

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 03/11/2024 07:55

What an appalling arsehole Chad is. Well done on your decisive behaviour OP.

WaltzingWaters · 03/11/2024 07:57

Well done you.
Whether he wanted to keep his options open or worried about upsetting the ex, he clearly wasn’t putting you first. Major red flags all around. Good on you for shutting that down immediately.

jenny38 · 03/11/2024 07:58

I think Chad needs to work on his emotional intelligence. You were clearly sounding him out about how he would feel seeing this ex. His response is all you need to know. Sorry he was such a disappointment.

WomenInConstruction · 03/11/2024 07:59

I can imagine he genuinely doesn't know how he'll feel about her until he sees her. Which of course sounds like unfinished business for him at least.

But it's irrelevant because what actually matters is how he feels about you which is crystal.
His feelings about you are not strong enough for him to know that they will dwarf what he feels for her.

Effectively you're, at best, on a parr with a departed old flame.

And he wants you to accept a fade into the background and have no claim on him and wait to see who he wants.

Naahhh. No need to accept that. But at least you were in the picture so you knew what's what and could bow out of the game.

He might be miffed... but he can't want you enough to not want to hedge his bets,, so he can't blame you .. if he's mature about it.

Ansjovis · 03/11/2024 07:59

He is certainly lacking in braincells. Good on you for having standards and upholding them.

Quitelikeit · 03/11/2024 08:00

What a strange response from him - have you had the conversation of being exclusive?

It seems he thinks that he can still date whoever!

However he has some front wanting to take his pick at your own friends party - humiliating if anything

Changingplace · 03/11/2024 08:00

You’ve dodged a bullet there OP, sod ‘Chad’ he clearly thought he could keep his options open with this ex and keep you dangling.

If it was his ex wife possibly different but a non serious ex, nah forget it!

Enjoy the party & the gig - the only one who’s made it awkward is him, do you know his ex? If so make sure you spend time chatting to them, just to watch him squirm 🤣

Pottedpalm · 03/11/2024 08:00

Consoprize · 03/11/2024 07:54

Not serious at all! They were just sleeping together.

Says it all, really.