To walk away immediately from this

[Consoprize]

I met a man through a mutual group of friends. Let’s call him Chad . We’ve been seeing each other a few months, although nothing serious yet.

Chad and I are supposed to go on a trip at the end of november to see a concert. I have the tickets and hotel booking and he hasn’t paid his share yet.

Our mutual friends are throwing an engagement party in December. We were both invited. The engaged couple know we’ve been seeing each other. It’s not a secret.

An old flame of Chad’s is also going to the party. She is flying in from overseas. I know he hasn’t seen her since she left the U.K but they were casually dating before she left.

I jokingly asked Chad if I needed to be concerned that he’d be with her at the party, rather than me.

Chad said he actually wasn’t sure…but feels it might be best to agree that he and I aren’t “together” at the party itself as he “doesn’t want to be in a difficult situation”.

I have told Chad that that didn’t work for me, that I’m keeping the concert tickets and to not contact me ever again.

Chad wants to talk about it some more. Chad thinks he should be allowed more time to think it through. He feels I’m being pushy and giving him an ultimatum.

I’ve told Chad to shove it up his arse and the very fact he even has to think about it, tells me everything I need to know about how he perceives me. He thinks that’s unfair of me before we’ve even talked about it.

I don’t think IABU here, surely?

Good for you OP. What a cheeky fucker, you're well rid.

It depends who s/he is. If he has reason to think it could get noticeably awkward, I woukd probably side with him in not rubbing it in the exes face.

I mean it's a party, right? Do you have to be formally introduced to her or everyone as his gf or can't you just mingle with a drink and talk as you go? Does he have to be all over you? Or can you use the time to socialise together with other people?

In a new relationship, at one party where an ex will be, I wouldn't mind not being paraded as his woman.

What a scumbag!

Chad is a a knob. Assume by talk it through he means you sit there and listen to all the reasons why Chad is perfectly reasonable and you should just be ok with it.

I’m afraid I don’t agree. All the friends at the party know we’ve been seeing each other. It’d be so humiliating to have to pretend we weren’t. She isn’t even a proper ex. Just someone he was shagging. He just wants to keep his options open, I think.

God fuck off Chad. What a knob.

He's a weak man op. Don't water down your standards to meet his.

Silly, lonely and shagless Chad.

I don't think it's about pretending you aren't.. I really think that's something you took from the conversation because it just isn't logical that the people who know would be told you're not together. I really think he means not to parade it around and use the social event as an opportunity to announce his new relationship.

Do you take a lot of security from being formally announced as Mrs Chad?

What a refreshing change on here. A decisive woman who takes no shit. Well done, OP.

Chad is a dud.
Well done for throwing him back and not messing about with his nonsense.
You are absolutely not being unreasonable 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

OMG at last! A poster on here who has boundaries and knows their worth!!!

Of course you were in the right OP!

This man is asking me to basically leave him alone that night, so he can keep his options open to shag his casual ex. Maybe not after the wedding, but at least in the weeks after while she’s still in town. He can’t risk her thinking he’s unavailable.

There’s no doubt about what his intention is.

No dancing with him, no sitting with him, no evidence whatsoever that we’re anything more than acquaintances.

No bloody thanks.

Agree with him that, YES, you are issuing him with an ultimatim.

"Feel that I'm your number one or I will stop going out with you."
What about that does he find is hard to understand?

He should assume that you have self respect.

And would love you to do it! Wtf did he expect?! You to say, 'oh Chad, I'm mad about you 🥰 so of course, you go to the party... I'll sit up at home, and wait to see if you decide to go back with her after the party, or bomb out with her and come back to me for sex' !!

So that's just fine. Doormatville is calling you @sandgrown better pick up.

What was your joke question about though?

well done for walking out on this one! He is keeping his options open and wants you waiting in the wings, cheeky at best , nasty at worst - you did the right thing!

I asked him outright when we were talking about staying overnight at the party venue. I said “do you want to share a room or do I need to worry about you running off with Susan at the party?”

It was a genuine question but asked jokingly, as I thought I knew the answer!

This reminds me of the time the guy I had been dating for about 2 months (also from a mutual friend group, so not some random I only just met) invited me to an event with his family…and then showed up with another woman he was clearly on a date with.

I don’t know if he genuinely forgot which one of us he invited. Or he just thought one of us would get over it. Or he could style it out because he was Mr Cool. I really don’t know. 😂 But I spent the entire evening chatting to this girl he was on a date with and listening to her stories of their first date, and that time they went to the theatre, and how they went for ice cream last week. His brother invited me to join them for dinner and I was so pissed off, I went and sat there and glared at him while the two couples had a lovely romantic dinner.

Then an hour later, after he dropped her home, he had the balls to message and ask if he could still come over and spend the night. 🤣 I was dying. (Obviously, the answer was no).

"He just wants to keep his options open"

Bingo.

YANBU - tell him to go forth and multiply - with her.

Was he thinking that she was going to be devastated to discover he wasn't available? Has he assumed she would still be interested and is 'trying to protect her feelings'? Sounds like it is too much for his ego to consider an alternative - that actually she might be very happy for him to have an actual girlfriend instead of a fuckbuddy and utterly disinterested in resuming things. In his mind he is being considerate, in reality he is being an arse.

I'm grinning and slow-clapping while I read you. Well done, OP. YANBU at all, obviously.

Wow it's not often the male species has me dumbfounded anymore, but this is one of them moments.

You absolutely did the right thing.
What did he expect you to do, sit around watching him shake his feathers for this other woman to rekindle an old flame and then casually let him stroll home after he's got his end away back to your nice safe relationship, yeah, no thanks.

He really did want the whole cake, what an absolute baffoon, your well rid, well done for knowing your worth and throwing this one back.

I wonder if he has had communication with her whilst she has been gone and learning he is in a relationship risks her outing him to you.