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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To walk away immediately from this

306 replies

Consoprize · 03/11/2024 07:34

I met a man through a mutual group of friends. Let’s call him Chad . We’ve been seeing each other a few months, although nothing serious yet.

Chad and I are supposed to go on a trip at the end of november to see a concert. I have the tickets and hotel booking and he hasn’t paid his share yet.

Our mutual friends are throwing an engagement party in December. We were both invited. The engaged couple know we’ve been seeing each other. It’s not a secret.

An old flame of Chad’s is also going to the party. She is flying in from overseas. I know he hasn’t seen her since she left the U.K but they were casually dating before she left.

I jokingly asked Chad if I needed to be concerned that he’d be with her at the party, rather than me.

Chad said he actually wasn’t sure…but feels it might be best to agree that he and I aren’t “together” at the party itself as he “doesn’t want to be in a difficult situation”.

I have told Chad that that didn’t work for me, that I’m keeping the concert tickets and to not contact me ever again.

Chad wants to talk about it some more. Chad thinks he should be allowed more time to think it through. He feels I’m being pushy and giving him an ultimatum.

I’ve told Chad to shove it up his arse and the very fact he even has to think about it, tells me everything I need to know about how he perceives me. He thinks that’s unfair of me before we’ve even talked about it.

I don’t think IABU here, surely?

OP posts:
The13thFairy · 03/11/2024 09:09

I may be going out on a limb here, but I believe that we'd all like to join you in telling Chad to shove it up his arse.

Blueblell · 03/11/2024 09:09

Keeping his options open I am afraid.

TheFluffyTwo · 03/11/2024 09:09

A woman knowing her worth as a human being and demanding at least the bare minimum of respect.

You love to see it. 👏👏👏

(P.S. Shudder to think who or what in the past has given Chad the impression that this behaviour will fly.)

BPR · 03/11/2024 09:10

He's a creep and now you know.
Well done for getting rid.

Fraaahnces · 03/11/2024 09:10

Well thank goodness you thought to ask before the wedding. Imagine if you found this out on the night! What a fucker!

TheFluffyTwo · 03/11/2024 09:13

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 03/11/2024 08:13

Well done. You’re well rid.

I would make a point of introducing myself to the ex though. “Hi, I’m x, Chad must be so glad you’re back. We were actually seeing each other until he heard you’d be there, but then he told me to pretend we weren’t together so he could sound you out.”

But I’m a petty bitch. :D

Please do this! I would also want to know this if I were the ex!

TwoShades1 · 03/11/2024 09:13

Chad seems like an idiot! You have definitely done the right thing. Count yourself lucky for finding out early on that he’s a knob. Go to the concert with someone else and don’t waste anymore time on him. What a loser he is.

AmICrazyToEvenBother · 03/11/2024 09:14

Good on you, OP. Chad is a complete dick.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 03/11/2024 09:15

Consoprize · 03/11/2024 07:54

Not serious at all! They were just sleeping together.

Or that was just what he told you.. Chad is definitely better bin fodder than boyfriend material, well done you for binning him.

AhBiscuits · 03/11/2024 09:17

There are a lot of men in the world. There isn't a single good reason to bother with this one.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 03/11/2024 09:17

user1492757084 · 03/11/2024 08:44

Agree with him that, YES, you are issuing him with an ultimatim.

"Feel that I'm your number one or I will stop going out with you."
What about that does he find is hard to understand?

He should assume that you have self respect.

It’s not an ultimatum though. An ultimatum would be giving him a choice to do what she wants or face the consequences. She’s not giving him a choice, she’s giving him his marching orders. I can’t imagine if he decided he’d made a mistake and now wants her back that she’d have him.

saveforthat · 03/11/2024 09:17

He seems like a knob but for you to ask that question "jokey" or not, you must have suspected. You almost invited him to say OK let's pretend we are not together. If you hadn't mentioned it do you think he would have brought it up?

Teacherprebaby · 03/11/2024 09:18

Excellent and the ONLY response that his behavior warrants.

Teacherprebaby · 03/11/2024 09:19

sandgrown · 03/11/2024 07:45

How serious was their relationship before she upped and left? Maybe when she left he was upset and genuinely does not know how he will feel when he sees her again. He should not deny you are together but maybe he is just being honest .

Ohh ffs 🙄

Teacherprebaby · 03/11/2024 09:21

ThatWarmJadeSeal · 03/11/2024 08:34

It depends who s/he is. If he has reason to think it could get noticeably awkward, I woukd probably side with him in not rubbing it in the exes face.

I mean it's a party, right? Do you have to be formally introduced to her or everyone as his gf or can't you just mingle with a drink and talk as you go? Does he have to be all over you? Or can you use the time to socialise together with other people?

In a new relationship, at one party where an ex will be, I wouldn't mind not being paraded as his woman.

You have low standards.

morestraightforward · 03/11/2024 09:22

What a beautiful romance this sounded like

Sparklfairy · 03/11/2024 09:23

The only disappointing part of this thread is that the party isn't until December Sad that's ages away! Will you please update us with what happens then OP?

morestraightforward · 03/11/2024 09:24

Did you actually even see a future with him before all this?

commonsense61 · 03/11/2024 09:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Savingthehedgehogs · 03/11/2024 09:27

Drop kick that one back into the ocean op!
Let’s hope she turns upwith a dazzling engagement ring and her new beau - that will teach him.

Never be anyone’s option..

Teacherprebaby · 03/11/2024 09:28

ThatWarmJadeSeal · 03/11/2024 08:40

I don't think it's about pretending you aren't.. I really think that's something you took from the conversation because it just isn't logical that the people who know would be told you're not together. I really think he means not to parade it around and use the social event as an opportunity to announce his new relationship.

Do you take a lot of security from being formally announced as Mrs Chad?

What an idiotic response.

OatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 03/11/2024 09:29

Teacherprebaby · 03/11/2024 09:18

Excellent and the ONLY response that his behavior warrants.

This. Well done @Consoprize, you are indeed no consolation prize!

morestraightforward · 03/11/2024 09:29

Sparklfairy · 03/11/2024 09:23

The only disappointing part of this thread is that the party isn't until December Sad that's ages away! Will you please update us with what happens then OP?

I’m hoping that giving this was a causal relationship of a few months… by December both he and the OP will have pretty much forgotten one another!

He hardly seems upset at being kicked to the curb

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 03/11/2024 09:29

mindutopia · 03/11/2024 08:56

This reminds me of the time the guy I had been dating for about 2 months (also from a mutual friend group, so not some random I only just met) invited me to an event with his family…and then showed up with another woman he was clearly on a date with.

I don’t know if he genuinely forgot which one of us he invited. Or he just thought one of us would get over it. Or he could style it out because he was Mr Cool. I really don’t know. 😂 But I spent the entire evening chatting to this girl he was on a date with and listening to her stories of their first date, and that time they went to the theatre, and how they went for ice cream last week. His brother invited me to join them for dinner and I was so pissed off, I went and sat there and glared at him while the two couples had a lovely romantic dinner.

Then an hour later, after he dropped her home, he had the balls to message and ask if he could still come over and spend the night. 🤣 I was dying. (Obviously, the answer was no).

What a jerk! I hope the new GF soon dumped him too.

myfitbitisfucked · 03/11/2024 09:30

Teacherprebaby · 03/11/2024 09:21

You have low standards.

akin to potholing