Boyfriend wont attend my birthday party

[5599katherine]

AIBU?
My boyfriend and I have been dating nearly a year and he is strangly relucant to meet my friends or let me meet his friends.
I have questioned him about this on many occasions and I still get the same excuses that hes scared, he is mostly friends with work colleagues and he didnt think it was appropriate etc. I am so upset with all the excuses.

Its my 30th birthday next weekend and we are going for a weekend away. Hes planned it all and Im looking forward to it.
The following week, its my birthday party with all of my friends, around 15 of them which includes work colleagues too. I have booked a table in a nice restaurant which also has a dance floor etc.
Obviously, I have asked him to come to which he has said he will try, but hes on a residential school trip during the week (hes a teacher) and he will be really tired and probably wont want to make it.

He says we are going for the weekend away so surely thats enough?
I just feel that hes making excuses because he doesnt want to meet my friends.

He doesn’t like your friends. Have a party and enjoy yourself with them.

Sounds like classics Married Man behaviour to me

This

There is something really wrong going on here. You've being going out for nearly a year It is a big milestone birthday and he's going to he "too tired" to come. He doesn't want you to meet his colleagues/friends and he doesn't want to meet your friends. If he is scared, then he is totally wet. I hate to say this but are you sure you aren't the unwittingly other woman? I can't see this relationship being either much fun or even slightly supportive. I'd end this.

Either he’s just not that into you and you are a stop gap until something better comes along or he has a wife! You sure he’s on a residential? It’s half term most places! Attending a significant birthday celebration with someone’s friends and families is a major “we are a couple” statement!

he is strangly relucant to meet my friends or let me meet his friends

Which is part of having a relationship and joining your lives. He doesn't;t want to. Whether that's because there's someone else, or he's not that into you, or he's dysfunctional... who cares? He's not a long-term option.

People that don't want you go meet their friends and don't want to meet yours, are likely married or in a relationship. You're likely his side woman.

Time to get rid.

Your op says ‘my boyfriend repeatedly tells me we have no future outside of our secret relationship.’ Think about it op. Go on the weekend away if you want but dump any boyfriend who can’t be arsed coming to your birthday party.

When I have said its very important that you attend and it would be awful to not come to your partners birthday, he says I should understand and empathsise with him being so tired after a school trip.
Hes not married but cant be sure about other women.

It's your 30th. He should empathise. Stop wasting your time on this one.

Is he really single? Have you stayed over at his?

Yeah and I have a key to his so can go over any time.

Wet, scared or married or in another relationship he's not a keeper. He is a bit of a limp reed if he's not going to do whatever it takes to be there rather than whining about your lack of empathy.

Says it all if he's not into celebrating your birthday with you and not interested in meeting your friends.

Hang on, you've been dating almost a year and he's not met any of your friends yet?!

Sorry OP, not looking good.

I wouldn't go away for that weekend either, me. It would feel akward to me if he's not willing to join you in your celebration.

@5599katherine At the very least, he’s keeping his options open..

Oh, OP... I wish I could hug you right now... my boyfriend at the time didn't come to my 25th birthday party because he said he would be "tired from golf" (which he played every single weekend, a 30min away from where we lived).

I was absolutely crushed that he didn't make the effort to attend - there was definitely no other woman in the picture, he just couldn't be bothered. He also liked to keep me in a constant state of doubt about how serious we really were.

I remember feeling really humiliated because everyone kept asking where he was - I kept going into the bathroom to cry, tried so hard to put a brave face on but I just couldn't enjoy myself properly.

Please don't do what I did and beg him to come, and also don't let it ruin your evening - and DEFINITELY don't feel humiliated about it, the embarrassment is his entirely. Have fun with your friends and forget that he even exists!

so I was all set to say YANBU until I read the excuse - if he’s on residential all week he will be absolutely exhausted. Utterly bone tired and he’s never met your friends before so will be ‘on show’ and not able just to relax. I don’t think not meeting them for a year before hand is right - but I do totally get his reason for not attending your
party as disappointing as it is.

Yes the year before bit is odd but if I had been away working for a week and my bf (I am married though) wanted me at a party where I had not met anyone before I would not go, I would wish him a great night and have a relaxing time myself

I wouldn't call it a party, it's a meal booked in a restaurant with your friends/colleagues. He probably thinks it's a girls thing, is a bit shy so doesn't want to attend hence thinking the weekend away suffice.

I go on loads of residentials (Sind involving long coach trips of 18 hours) but wouldn’t miss my partners 30th birthday celebrations…. What a knob-bin him.

5599katherine said:-
>> AIBU?
>> My boyfriend and I have been dating nearly
>> a year and he is strangly relucant to meet my
>> friends or let me meet his friends.
>> I have questioned him about this on many
>> occasions and I still get the same excuses
>> that hes scared, he is mostly friends with work
>> colleagues and he didnt think it was
>> appropriate etc. I am so upset with all the
>> excuses.

The omens are all there Katherine!
Time to move on.

This bloke is showing all the key signs of the manipulative narcissist.

Pr1cks like him should be given a wide berth.

Move on!

99% of the possibilities are BAD or RISKY.

This. He's married. Your friends meeting him and potentially putting pictures online adds more risk of being caught. His friends know he's in a relationship so you can't meet them in case they slip up.

My housemate had a boyfriend like this. We never met him, it was super weird. He wasn’t a good person. If he’s not willing to start blending in with your life, it’s time to seriously reconsider the relationship.

You have been together for nearly a year and he doesn't want to meet your friends/you to meet his...? Sounds like he isn't so sure about you two being long term.

How long can you carry on with the secret boyfriend?