Boyfriend wont attend my birthday party

[5599katherine]

AIBU?
My boyfriend and I have been dating nearly a year and he is strangly relucant to meet my friends or let me meet his friends.
I have questioned him about this on many occasions and I still get the same excuses that hes scared, he is mostly friends with work colleagues and he didnt think it was appropriate etc. I am so upset with all the excuses.

Its my 30th birthday next weekend and we are going for a weekend away. Hes planned it all and Im looking forward to it.
The following week, its my birthday party with all of my friends, around 15 of them which includes work colleagues too. I have booked a table in a nice restaurant which also has a dance floor etc.
Obviously, I have asked him to come to which he has said he will try, but hes on a residential school trip during the week (hes a teacher) and he will be really tired and probably wont want to make it.

He says we are going for the weekend away so surely thats enough?
I just feel that hes making excuses because he doesnt want to meet my friends.

Even in a casual romantic relationship something is expected on a 30th birthday. If he can’t be arsed that is diagnostic of a basic disinterest in her that is fatal. But I really think it is rude to assert that it is OP who does not understand her own relationship and has somehow mistaken an FWB situation for something more. Its pretty clear that he has been fighting to limit the relationship in reality while continuing to bewilder and befog her that it is real/primary/significant.

Red flagof there ever was one. He's keeping all options open, no e of your (or his) friends have ever seennyou as a couple, so he can introduce a new woman whenever he wants. I would not go but rún!

yes, I don’t care how casual it is @Gloriia , you go to the milestone birthday do, tired or not. The tiredness is just an excuse. And a Pathetic one. If he wanted to be there he’d be there come hell or high water. But he doesn’t. For reasons unknown.

They are going away for the weekend, that is indeed something. He's not going to the restaurant with her friends for a meal but i don't think that's anything to get worked up about.

Maybe the op could use the opportunity to discuss if it is just a casual thing or if he sees them together long term.

Read a lot of negatives on this but has anyone considered he might be shy or suffering from a social phobia of some sort? (If you have, I apologise, haven't read all comments). It doesn't mean that just because he's a teacher that he's not hiding some fear of meeting or socialising with new people. Many people hide issues beneath perfectly normal facades. My husband of 25 years is similar, it took me years to drag him along to family events etc but he's a lovely man, a great dad so i'm glad I didn't give up on him in the early stages.

But being shy isn’t really a good enough excuse to embarrass your girlfriend and really hurt her feelings, or do you disagree?

Or are you saying that his shyness/ whatever trumps her feelings and she owes it to him to lower her expectations?

Maybe you find your husband lovely, but I personally would be so wounded by this (which you are seeking to justify) that it would happen once and the relationship would be over. Does he at least own his behaviour, or does he expect you to make excuses and hide reality?

@Fratch except he happily goes out to other parties and with his mates....he's not shy...he's dodgy as fuck

He is living a double life, I think that’s very suspicious.

He’s not scared. He’s gaslighting you. He has another life going on somewhere if he is hiding your relationship after a year. You serve a limited purpose in his life, boosting his ego but you are probably the other woman in his life. The residential thing being organised after you organised your birthday thing is giving me bad vibes, too. School things like that are usually planned a long time in advance. Are you certain it’s work?

Anyway, I believe you don’t have a future with this guy so if you want more, you need to look elsewhere

@interlaken I am not seeking to justify anything or asking her to lower her expectations just asking if she has considered that he might have a problem, and at this point I will modify "shy" to social phobias, but is unwilling to admit to it (men being far less likely to admit to any mental health issues) then all I am saying is that might be an explanation rather than just assuming he's being an arse. Not all relationships function on the same basis. There is a lot of nasty comments on here but she has a choice as many people have pointed out. @Spockty she doesn't say anything in her original message about him going out to parties with his mates but simply that his friends are all work colleagues.

Wow leave him, either he's got someone else or he's boring.

@Fratch It's here.

Apologies @Spockty missed that.

I met with him the other day and i said very clearly that i expect him to join, even just for a drink and its important to me for my birthday. He told me i was putting too much pressure on him.

After a year of being together that’s definitely an odd response!

Very odd response, it's too much pressure to expect him to attend and support his gf at her milestone birthday celebration.

There’s no future in this, OP. Think about it: he’s not interested in meeting your friends/family = he’s got no interest in your life. I don’t think he’s the one for you.

I completely agree.

I don’t know your situation @5599katherine but if you want to have children you need to end it with him and not waste time. I’ve seen friends waste years on hopeless men and very much regret it.

Should i wait till the event?

I’d end it before the event so you can use it as a fresh start. It’s lovely that you have good friends to celebrate with: focus on that 😊

Oh for goodness sake, is this still dragging on? Why haven't you ended it with him? You're being a doormat. Tell him the relationship is over if he doesn't attend. Leave it up to him. But give him that ultimatum. Tell him he either makes you a priority, or he leaves.

Come on @5599katherine its time to get angry. Anger Is not wrong despite all the TikTok bs about it being fear in disguise. It is a great emotion for protecting boundaries and propelling a person to action.

How dare he treat you with such disregard in so many areas of your life.

The backtracking, the excuses, the avoidance….do it tomorrow.

Be thankful you have only invested a year and not given this man your home, money, your fertility, your youth. One day you won’t even remember his name.

I would just leave him to it now.
Don’t let it ruin your event.

If him not coming is a deal breaker for you (which it sounds like it definitely is) then after the event end things if he doesn’t show.

I definitely wouldn’t put any effort into it before or during the event.
Don’t end things beforehand or text him trying to persuade him to come.

Focus on the event and having fun with your friends and family, then sort it out afterwards.

I would end it now. This is who he is and isn’t about to change. Enjoy your party with this man in your rear view mirror mirror.