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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend wont attend my birthday party

296 replies

5599katherine · 02/11/2024 04:09

AIBU?
My boyfriend and I have been dating nearly a year and he is strangly relucant to meet my friends or let me meet his friends.
I have questioned him about this on many occasions and I still get the same excuses that hes scared, he is mostly friends with work colleagues and he didnt think it was appropriate etc. I am so upset with all the excuses.

Its my 30th birthday next weekend and we are going for a weekend away. Hes planned it all and Im looking forward to it.
The following week, its my birthday party with all of my friends, around 15 of them which includes work colleagues too. I have booked a table in a nice restaurant which also has a dance floor etc.
Obviously, I have asked him to come to which he has said he will try, but hes on a residential school trip during the week (hes a teacher) and he will be really tired and probably wont want to make it.

He says we are going for the weekend away so surely thats enough?
I just feel that hes making excuses because he doesnt want to meet my friends.

OP posts:
NoWayRose · 02/11/2024 07:53

Your 30th is such a big birthday, it’s just embarrassing if he doesn’t show up. I might maybe entertain him bring knackered from the residental, but it’s obviously just bollocks as he hasn’t met your friends other times when there was no trip beforehand.

It might feel like you’ve wasted a year but dump him before you waste three years, five years … I’ve seen it happen too many times to friends.

Birdseyetrifle · 02/11/2024 07:53

Give yourself a 30th birthday present of raising the bar and dumping him.

He goes to friends parties and put with mates but doesn’t want to come to yours, meet your friends, or tell anyone about you!! Come on! You deserve better than this.

ilovelamp82 · 02/11/2024 07:58

Why don't you say that you've spoken to your friends and you've rearranged the meal for a date that he will be available and not tired so you can be sure that's the real reason?

hollyblueivy · 02/11/2024 08:00

What would happen if you posted photos of the two of you together in your birthday weekend trip, tagging him in it?

Borninabarn32 · 02/11/2024 08:00

Have you met his family?
He clearly isn't in this relationship. Either he's with someone else, playing the field or thinks you're not a great catch but you'll do for a shag for now. He doesn't want people to know you're dating.

PiggieWig · 02/11/2024 08:01

Any other red flags for controlling behaviour? This could be a subtle form of isolation, making your friendships awkward and only wanting you all to himself.

ClytemnestraWasMisunderstood · 02/11/2024 08:01

MissTrip82 · 02/11/2024 07:27

This is just staggeringly rude.

Unbelievable.

Show quote history

🙃

DreadPirateRobots · 02/11/2024 08:01

I'm with everyone else - incredibly wet, incredibly dysfunctional, or incredibly married.

You think this is a solvable problem, like, if you just keep at it he will introduce you and it'll be sorted, but it isn't.

Pomegranatecarnage · 02/11/2024 08:02

5599katherine · 02/11/2024 06:47

On social media, we are friends but he has never posted a picture of us together.
We never ever go out with my friends or his. Even our mutual ones, they dont know we are together.
My close friends do but I have no idea about his. Our bosses know we are together as they are friends!

You deserve to be with someone who is proud to be your partner, and wants people to know you’re together. This will destroy your self-esteem. It sounds as though he’s keeping his options open and is not serious about the relationship. I’ve been in this situation -it’s not nice.

Shodan · 02/11/2024 08:05

I had a friend some years ago whose boyfriend never wanted to meet her friends, or come to parties with her- always excuse after excuse.

She was convinced he loved her and they were going to get married one day.

It turned out that he was just really good at lying to get what he wanted. He wasn't attached elsewhere, he just never viewed my friend as life partner material and therefore saw no reason to meet her friends or actually, do anything he didn't want to do.

I'm sorry, but it sounds like your chap is cut from the same cloth.

Simplelobsterhat · 02/11/2024 08:06

Autumnalsun · 02/11/2024 06:17

YABU

He’s celebrating your birthday already.
He doesn’t need to be there a second time.

It would be very different if he wasn’t celebrating your birthday or you were going to be alone.

I couldn’t think of anything worse than having a week of little sleep and then meeting everyone for the first time at a party.

This wouldn’t bother me and I’d let it go.
But I would invite him to your friends party or event next time or even just for a couple of drinks and see how he reacts.

This was my initial thought - the thought of meeting 15 of a partner's friends for the first time all at once, the pressure of having to create a good impression after a tiring work week away, and having been away the weekend before as well, makes me feel incredibly anxious! So in terms of this one event, then yabu and should have agreed the date with him before planning if it was important he was there.

However, a year is a long time not to have met any friends. It sounds like it's his fault he's missed chances to meet some of them in a less pressured way, and if mutual friends don't even know that suggests it is actively a secret, so yanbu unreasonable to be concerned about that. I think a serious chat is in order as after a year you need to know if you are wasting your time!

MrsPeterHarris · 02/11/2024 08:07

Autumnalsun · 02/11/2024 07:38

With your updates then it’s obvious this relationship is a no go.

He’s either in a relationship already or he’s ashamed to be with you.

I wouldn’t allow myself to be treated like this.

This! Sorry Op. You deserve so much better. Hope you have a lovely birthday with people who do love & cherish you.

Bewareofthisonetoo · 02/11/2024 08:13

I am a teacher and never go on residentials -they are utterly exhausting in a way you can’t imagine (even if you have kids of your own you have travelled with a lot as I have). Can also understand that his friends may only be work colleagues/superficial.
Can never understand the obsession that some people have over ‘big’ birthdays and the power thing of getting everyone to come.
By all means bin him off over this and let him find someone less superficial.

redboxer321 · 02/11/2024 08:14

I presume you haven't read her updates @Bewareofthisonetoo

Gloriia · 02/11/2024 08:14

bows101 · 02/11/2024 05:11

I wouldn't call it a party, it's a meal booked in a restaurant with your friends/colleagues. He probably thinks it's a girls thing, is a bit shy so doesn't want to attend hence thinking the weekend away suffice.

This. It is a meal out with your friends. Nice if we wanted to go but no drama that he doesn't imo.

AgnesX · 02/11/2024 08:15

Dontsparethehorses · 02/11/2024 05:05

so I was all set to say YANBU until I read the excuse - if he’s on residential all week he will be absolutely exhausted. Utterly bone tired and he’s never met your friends before so will be ‘on show’ and not able just to relax. I don’t think not meeting them for a year before hand is right - but I do totally get his reason for not attending your
party as disappointing as it is.

It's a big birthday, not just a party. Anyone invested would make the effort if only for a while.

It sounds like he's not making much of an effort really. Nothing more than that which is pretty poor and doesn't bode well for the future.

sagebomb · 02/11/2024 08:17

Have you met each others family?

I'm sorry op he's really keeping you at arms length isn't he. I hope you have a lovely birthday x

rocketgal · 02/11/2024 08:17

OP you deserve so much more than this. This isn't a proper relationship. You've told him how you feel and he's turned it round on you so what you need to remember is how this is making you feel and think about what you really want from a partner and clearly this isn't it. I expect if you end it he will make you feel bad and make out like you're at fault (I've been there) and make it difficult for you to walk away but this isn't working for you, you want more, you want a relationship where your lives are intertwined and a proper partner and he isn't going to give you this so do what is right for you

Spockty · 02/11/2024 08:18

You have a situationship not a boyfriend. Bin and move on. There's no good reason for his behaviour. Whatever it is, it won't be good. Sorry OP, but better to know now.

Original poster
5599katherine · 02/11/2024 08:18

The residential was arranged after I booked my party. I have paid a deposit for a room with food and drinks for everyone, its not just a meal with friends. It feels embarrasing that he isnt coming.

OP posts:
Alittlebitwary · 02/11/2024 08:21

OP, he is with someone else.
I had a boyfriend who was similar. We had mutual friends, I had a key to his house etc, he had even met my parents. However he had a hobby and he always made excuses for me not going to the events for his hobby. Turns out he had been cheating on me with his hobby partner for 6 months.
Is there another circle of friends invited to your party? I went on weekends away with him but this is fine because it's just the two of you - nobody will see him with you.

He's hiding something.

whathaveiforgotten · 02/11/2024 08:24

OP how come you haven't told your mutual friends either? Did he specifically ask you not to?

FootbalIslife · 02/11/2024 08:24

Bewareofthisonetoo · 02/11/2024 08:13

I am a teacher and never go on residentials -they are utterly exhausting in a way you can’t imagine (even if you have kids of your own you have travelled with a lot as I have). Can also understand that his friends may only be work colleagues/superficial.
Can never understand the obsession that some people have over ‘big’ birthdays and the power thing of getting everyone to come.
By all means bin him off over this and let him find someone less superficial.

It’s not just after a residential he’s NEVER met her friends, after a year. I wouldn’t miss my boyfriend’s 30th birthday meal, even if I was tired. And I’ve done residentials with kids, 100% I would be there.

rocketgal · 02/11/2024 08:25

If he'd met your friends before and vice versa and you were openly in a relationship, it wouldn't be embarrassing because your friends would know him and know that it was legit but a boyfriend of a year who they haven't met makes it entirely different. I think the PP suggestion of calling him out and saying you've moved it so he can come is a good shout. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

Didimum · 02/11/2024 08:26

OP, you are a nearly 30yr old woman. Why are putting up with this shit? Having a relationship means having the tough conversations. If you continue to accept crap like this then your unhappiness is on you. Tell him it’s not good enough and you expect change or you can’t continue the relationship.