Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend wont attend my birthday party

296 replies

5599katherine · 02/11/2024 04:09

AIBU?
My boyfriend and I have been dating nearly a year and he is strangly relucant to meet my friends or let me meet his friends.
I have questioned him about this on many occasions and I still get the same excuses that hes scared, he is mostly friends with work colleagues and he didnt think it was appropriate etc. I am so upset with all the excuses.

Its my 30th birthday next weekend and we are going for a weekend away. Hes planned it all and Im looking forward to it.
The following week, its my birthday party with all of my friends, around 15 of them which includes work colleagues too. I have booked a table in a nice restaurant which also has a dance floor etc.
Obviously, I have asked him to come to which he has said he will try, but hes on a residential school trip during the week (hes a teacher) and he will be really tired and probably wont want to make it.

He says we are going for the weekend away so surely thats enough?
I just feel that hes making excuses because he doesnt want to meet my friends.

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 02/11/2024 07:01

This is huge red flag territory.
He won’t acknowledge you publically . It is now social anxiety as he goes to other parties .
He is either ashamed of you or more likely there is someone else that he doesn’t want to find out about you ( his significant other)

Lavenderfarmcottage · 02/11/2024 07:20

Why won’t he go ? Isn’t the only question that needs answering. The issue of his character is the more pertinent question. This is a milestone Birthday and it’s important to you. Regardless of whether he likes your friends or wants to go, he should still go because it matters to you. If there’s a really good and valid reason for not going he should be open and honest enough to tell you.

Do you want to be married to someone and with them your entire life, that puts himself and his whims first even on your 30th ? That is so fragile and delicate he can’t put your wants first on your special Birthday ?

Unless he has social anxiety of something similar (which he could tell you), or some severe family tragedy (could also tell you) then he’s just being selfish and he will be again and again if you let him.

Namechange285 · 02/11/2024 07:21

This is a massive red flag and I agree he probably has another relationship. This situation happened to my close friend. She went out with a guy we all worked with for over a year. They were a couple as far as everyone at work was concerned. But he had no social media presence and was often away for weekends etc/strangely reluctant for my friend to meet his friends from home. Sadly it turned out my friend was the 'other woman'. As far as I know he's now married to his original girlfriend god help her.

Lancastrienne · 02/11/2024 07:22

Leave him. He is demonstrating his lack of commitment in a self absorbed manner

Pipsquiggle · 02/11/2024 07:23

He won't acknowledge your relationship publicly and you have been going out for a year?!
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Honestly, get rid. What an absolute dickhead. Don't waste any more of your precious time on him

ClytemnestraWasMisunderstood · 02/11/2024 07:23

Nice restaurant and dance floor is an oxymoron

greycircle · 02/11/2024 07:26

5599katherine · 02/11/2024 06:47

On social media, we are friends but he has never posted a picture of us together.
We never ever go out with my friends or his. Even our mutual ones, they dont know we are together.
My close friends do but I have no idea about his. Our bosses know we are together as they are friends!

I agree that this is a massive red flag.

He goes to parties with lots of other people with no problems so it isn’t social anxiety.

Yes he might be tired but that’s definitely an excuse - it’s a party you are having for your 30th!

Everything you’ve mentioned being the case after a year together - he’s very likely married/ in another relationship.

Gonk123 · 02/11/2024 07:27

Is it a deal breaker for you? It would be for me…

MissTrip82 · 02/11/2024 07:27

ClytemnestraWasMisunderstood · 02/11/2024 07:23

Nice restaurant and dance floor is an oxymoron

This is just staggeringly rude.

Unbelievable.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 02/11/2024 07:28

Why don’t your mutual friends know you’re in a relationship?

SmileEachDay · 02/11/2024 07:31

Even our mutual ones, they dont know we are together

Have you mentioned it to them?

MimiSunshine · 02/11/2024 07:33

Your mutual friends don’t know you’re together? Why not? Are you waiting for him to tell them? What’s stopping you telling them?

Have you invited them to your party? I’d be getting in touch for a catch up and dropping in to the conversation that ‘boyfriend’ is taking you away for the weekend, which you’re really looking for are to but he he’s not sure he can make your party but you’d like to invite them to.

I bet their reaction to all of the above will be illuminating.

Justletmemoveon · 02/11/2024 07:33

I had an ex like this and he had a dismissive avoidant attachment style (to the extreme).

What’s he like in terms of commitment to the relationship in other ways?

Coralsunset · 02/11/2024 07:33

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 02/11/2024 07:28

Why don’t your mutual friends know you’re in a relationship?

This is where I am stuck. Has he told you not to tell them? Why don’t they know?

Matronic6 · 02/11/2024 07:33

As a teacher, if this was a one off due to the residential, I would totally get it. I am destroyed after a residential and cannot do anything for a couple of days.

However, the fact he is always finding excuses is bizarre. Big red flag.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 02/11/2024 07:35

It sounds like it could be possible he doesn't see himself staying with you long term ie settling down with, building a life together.

I think that might be the case (obviously can't be sure) because I never introduced anyone to my friends or family until the man who is now my husband. The others were just people I was dating. They might come up in conversation sometimes but they were a separate part of my life because I knew they weren't staying in it long term iyswim.

He did the same actually. The first his family knew of me was when he told them he was getting married.

daisychain01 · 02/11/2024 07:37

If it's your birthday next weekend, I'd ditch him this weekend, then you're free of the party-pooper and can enjoy your birthday event as a single woman without the hassle and stress he's causing you.

He's a dead-weight, get rid!

Autumnalsun · 02/11/2024 07:38

With your updates then it’s obvious this relationship is a no go.

He’s either in a relationship already or he’s ashamed to be with you.

I wouldn’t allow myself to be treated like this.

CaptainMyCaptain · 02/11/2024 07:39

Wtafdidido · 02/11/2024 04:32

Either he’s just not that into you and you are a stop gap until something better comes along or he has a wife! You sure he’s on a residential? It’s half term most places! Attending a significant birthday celebration with someone’s friends and families is a major “we are a couple” statement!

Residential trips often happen at half term which teachers do without any extra pay.

No comment on the rest of the situation which does sound a bit off

BigDahliaFan · 02/11/2024 07:39

Exactly leave him to it and see how long it takes him to notice. Do something else lovely on the weekend away and start you 30s without the weirdo who won't acknowledge your relationship.

redboxer321 · 02/11/2024 07:43

I would be upset but ultimately not do anything because I'd be grateful for the small crumbs he threw my way. Or that's what I would have done at your age. I don't recommend you doing the same. I'm almost twice your age now and will be forever single. I never learned how to have a proper relationship after some terrible modelling in my early life so ended up in a series of disastrous relationships until I could take no more.
I suggest you don't even bother giving him the satisfaction of finishing with him. There's no need, he's not behaving like your boyfriend. Collect your things from his place and return any of his he has at yours, leave his key or post it through the letterbox if you need it to lock the door and simply never contact him again.

Then start therapy so you can learn to have a healthy relationship.

LavenderFields7 · 02/11/2024 07:45

Sounds like you are a stop gap and he thinks someone better will come along. I was with someone like that for years, it made me so sad. We were together 3 years, living together 2 and he never told his parents or family about me. Your fella is NEVER going to change, you will be going to your 40th/50th/60th… etc by yourself. Is that what you want?

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 02/11/2024 07:46

If you're sure he's not married, then this is classic "he's just not that into you".

HarrietHedgehog · 02/11/2024 07:48

Get rid! He’s not a keeper. The fact that he refuses to socialise with your friends and be seen as a couple is a sure sign that he doesn’t see any future in a long-term relationship. Please don’t waste any more of your life on him.

whathaveiforgotten · 02/11/2024 07:53

Even our mutual ones, they dont know we are together.

Has he told you not to tell anyone?

If not I don't understand why you wouldn't have mentioned it to anyone either for a year?