Boyfriend wont attend my birthday party

[5599katherine]

AIBU?
My boyfriend and I have been dating nearly a year and he is strangly relucant to meet my friends or let me meet his friends.
I have questioned him about this on many occasions and I still get the same excuses that hes scared, he is mostly friends with work colleagues and he didnt think it was appropriate etc. I am so upset with all the excuses.

Its my 30th birthday next weekend and we are going for a weekend away. Hes planned it all and Im looking forward to it.
The following week, its my birthday party with all of my friends, around 15 of them which includes work colleagues too. I have booked a table in a nice restaurant which also has a dance floor etc.
Obviously, I have asked him to come to which he has said he will try, but hes on a residential school trip during the week (hes a teacher) and he will be really tired and probably wont want to make it.

He says we are going for the weekend away so surely thats enough?
I just feel that hes making excuses because he doesnt want to meet my friends.

I’ve just picked up the thread. What would make you feel better? To be able to tell your friends you just ended it as with him as he never wants to meet them / his friends. Then your friends can rally round you and make sure you have a really good time. Or to tell them, guess what he isn’t here and you’re ending it asap. Your friends will still rally round but that will feel different as things between you will not be ended.

Can you visualise the 2 scenarios and work out which one makes you feel more powerful? I don’t mean powerful against him. I mean in control of your power as a woman if that makes sense.

No, you should do it today.

I would not bother with ultimatums. You've already asked and he said no. Say you give ultimatum and he begrudgingly turns up. What will it achieve? You carry on dating, but there will always be something else, and you will have to issue ultimatums to move ahead in the relationship? We move in or end it, you propose or we end it etc.
It's upto you if and when you end it with him. But what is holding you back?

Honestly OP, walk away now, don’t waste another day. There is something severely wrong with a man who isn’t comfortable and proud to declare openly you are his significant other. Please don’t waste any more of your life on someone who is keeping it all quiet and not giving you what you want or need. Trust me there is something more going on and you don’t want to waste any more time.

Never give ultimatums. He doesn't want to attend and he isn't serious about you so end it now. Start your 30s with a a new chapter and go out there to meet the man who actually wants to be with you long term. Your current boyfriend isn't the one to marry and have children with. Find the man who is sure about you.

Just end it. Even if he does pop in for a drink to placate you, after you dump him, to win you back, he has already shown where you really stand in his life. He is using you for what suits him. It’s too easy to just keep plodding on while life passes you by. Don’t do that,
He is not a life partner for you so don’t waste more time. Your party is a celebration of a new era, a fresh start a better future .

As harsh as this is he doesn't care about you. Good people put themselves out to help others or make others feel good. He's a wet blanket. Too much pressure by asking him to come to your birthday do after dating a year?! Bin him. Bin him now, you'll feel liberated.

I’d do it now and just say “you’re right, it’s too much pressure - I shouldn’t have to pressure you, you should want to be there so it’s over for me now. If I can’t rely on you after a year for something small like attending my 30th birthday for one drink then I can’t rely on you for the big things either”.

I can't believe this is still dragging on. What will an ultimatum achieve? He may go for a drink, you will never hear the end of it, and you will still know he doesn't want a long-term relationship with you, but he'll fake one to get what he wants. Just dump him ffs, he's just stringing you along and you're letting him.

OP why haven't you mentioned yourself to mutual friends that you are together? Did he ask you not to?

As I always say on these threads, I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't think he was the luckiest man alive to have me in his life

Don't give ultimatums, or pressure him to attend. Accept him for what he is, end the relationship and move on

Why would you want to make your celebration in any way about him?

Dump him now. Even if he did, by some miracle, manage to drag himself to the party it'll be a one off and he'll go back to not bothering his arse.

Breakups are always hard but this needs to happen. Don’t wait until the event. Do it today.
Just say you’ve spent some time recently thinking about your future and you don’t feel there is room for someone who isn’t fully committed and doesn’t want to celebrate your milestone birthday or meet your friends. Say your values are clearly very different and you hope to meet someone who shares the same values as you. Good luck!

Yeah bin him off. Do you actually go on dates alone?

Sounds like he has another partner.

I would dump him. Whatever his reasons for going back and forth, his evasiveness is a big communication problem and will cause you more problems in the future.

Just end it

Please @5599katherine please just dump him ASAP.

Just get on with the rest of your life. He is evasive, non-committed and not worth any more of your time /energy

@5599katherine what did you end up doing in the end? And happy [very] belated birthday!

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