Boyfriend wont attend my birthday party

[5599katherine]

AIBU?
My boyfriend and I have been dating nearly a year and he is strangly relucant to meet my friends or let me meet his friends.
I have questioned him about this on many occasions and I still get the same excuses that hes scared, he is mostly friends with work colleagues and he didnt think it was appropriate etc. I am so upset with all the excuses.

Its my 30th birthday next weekend and we are going for a weekend away. Hes planned it all and Im looking forward to it.
The following week, its my birthday party with all of my friends, around 15 of them which includes work colleagues too. I have booked a table in a nice restaurant which also has a dance floor etc.
Obviously, I have asked him to come to which he has said he will try, but hes on a residential school trip during the week (hes a teacher) and he will be really tired and probably wont want to make it.

He says we are going for the weekend away so surely thats enough?
I just feel that hes making excuses because he doesnt want to meet my friends.

He can't make the effort for you on a milestone birthday only a year in. Imagine how shit hes going to be down the line.

Oh, @5599katherine this sounds a bit miserable.

I think I’d use my thirtieth as a fresh start, you don’t want to be wasting time on someone now. If he was really into you of course he would go to the party.

enjoy your party with your friends and I hope you meet someone who will be happy to fit in with your social circle

This is not a long term relationship. That's fine if that is what you want, something light and fun.

However, if you want him to be your life partner this is not going to happen. A year and you haven't met each others friends. He's not even pretending to try and create a life with you

It’s not the relationship you want. Time to move on.

You’re only young. Don’t waste any time on him. I’m double your age and was spun a merry tale from some fella. He met all my family, never met his. Knock him on the head, lick your wounds, find yourself again and heal 💐

Yes this.

In the op you said you'd booked a table in a nice restaurant, it didn't sound like a booked room with catering. Perhaps he got the wrong end of the stick too and thinks it is table booked in a restaurant for your friends and he's happy to celebrate with you the weekend before?

He's not necessarily married, but it's likely that he sees meeting your friends and family as upping the commitment in your relationship to a level that he's unwilling to take.

I wasted a year of my early 20s with a man like this. Luckily, he moved back to the US, where he was from, so that ended it quicker than might otherwise have been the case.

When I look back, I find it bizarre that I put up with essentially being put in a box for a year, while he socialised separately with his friends and made excuses not to engage with mine.

I met my DH a year later and unlike the commitment phobic man, he took me as a plus one to his friend's engagement party when we had barely been in a relationship for a month!

From what you have described, OP, I would cut my losses if I were you

What’s the dynamic with the mutual friends? Has he asked you to keep the relationship a secret?

She has a key to his place, it would seem very reckless to allow this if he is married even even if he could afford a secret bachelor pad. They have many mutual friends I think a dw would have been evident.

@Gloriia You deserve so much better than this idiot. Bin him.

Give yourself an early birthday present and start your 30s single. You should be with someone who wants to be part of your whole life, not just the bits that suit him.

"Boyfriend"
🙄

Why don't your mutual friends know you are together? Why are you his secret girlfriend? actually, the reasons don't matter. You are his secret girlfriend, and that is a reason to dump him.

You think you are in a relationship but he has other ideas. Bin him and get a boyfriend who is proud to be in a relationship with you.

Happy Birthday OP . You deserve much better than this - we all do . I’m sorry but he isn’t committed to you , maybe he’s not sure you’re the one or just too young or maybe there is someone else . Please do not waste anymore of your time on him - find someone that adores you and wants to show you off not someone who doesn’t want people to know you are his girlfriend .

He’s showing you who he is op & you’re not a priority unfortunately.
Would you want to carry on like this at your 40th?
What would happen if you had kids? Would you be taking them places/family events etc alone?

This. No point wearing yourself out trying to figure out why. He’s just ruling himself out.

He's "scared"? The man's a teacher, stands up in front of a class (or classes if secondary) of kids every day, has to meet quite regularly with parents - sometimes under difficult circumstances - and He's "scared" to meet your friends?

I smell bullshit.

Exactly my view

He’s scared to meet your friends - and he’s a teacher ???!!!

I sincerely hope that my DC were never taught by a person so pathetic that they’re scared to meet their partner’s friends.

Drop him - he’s not worth any time or effort.

Tell him to shit or get off the pot. How can you want to be with someone who doesn’t want you to be part of their life and is avoiding at all costs to be part of yours?

@5599katherine I had a similar sounding relationship when I was in my late 20s and early 30s. He didn't want to tell mutual friends we were together, treated me more like a bit on the side than a proper girlfriend, was always building my hopes up and then coming in with the excuses. It totally destroyed my self esteem.

I think he just enjoyed keeping me dangling, it boosted his huge ego I think. He was a manipulative arsehole and I really really wish I had told him to bugger off much earlier.

This relationship is going to cause you a lot of pain. Find someone who is proud to tell his friends that he's with you. It's so much better to be on your own than with someone who prefers to keep you hidden.

Being generous, he sounds like he has some sort of social phobia (struggles in groups), neurodivergence (will be too exhausted to keep masking after the trip), some other disability (e.g. hard of hearing so struggles in loud, social settings) or puts his own needs first (i.e. can’t be arsed to come).

At worst, he’s deceitful/hiding something (could be an OW or his past, but are you sure he even has any friends?), selfish/controlling, embarrassed for you to meet his friends or vice versa, or just isn’t that into you/seeing you happy.

What he’s giving you are lame excuses to hide something. Unless he has a disability or condition, a man of around 30 shouldn’t be too tired to attend a special party for his gf with plenty of notice, even if he has been working all week.

Have you met his family or anyone who knows him?

My advice about the meal would be don’t mention it to him again. Get into your head he’s not going and that you’re going to have a blast with your friends. If there’s some weird power/control thing going on, he’ll hate that you’re not begging him or affected by him not going. Don’t worry what your friends think. If they’re good friends, it shouldn’t matter to them.

How much do you like him in other ways? If you’re really into him, I’d set a deadline for meeting his friends. If he still resists, walk away. Friends and family tell you a lot about a person. Best not to get too involved without meeting them.

For whatever reason, he wants to keep his life separate from yours. Does that sound like a good fit for a relationship to you, regardless of the reason?

You’ve given him a year, don’t give him anymore.

Having a partner who shares a relationship with your friends and family sounds important to you. Its a completely normal expectation.

Please please move on. I wasted 9 months on someone like this in my late twenties and I look back now (older and wiser) and cringe at how I put up with his pathetic excuses.

The “why” in his case doesnt matter. What matters is that he is not a good long term option for you.