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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend wont attend my birthday party

296 replies

5599katherine · 02/11/2024 04:09

AIBU?
My boyfriend and I have been dating nearly a year and he is strangly relucant to meet my friends or let me meet his friends.
I have questioned him about this on many occasions and I still get the same excuses that hes scared, he is mostly friends with work colleagues and he didnt think it was appropriate etc. I am so upset with all the excuses.

Its my 30th birthday next weekend and we are going for a weekend away. Hes planned it all and Im looking forward to it.
The following week, its my birthday party with all of my friends, around 15 of them which includes work colleagues too. I have booked a table in a nice restaurant which also has a dance floor etc.
Obviously, I have asked him to come to which he has said he will try, but hes on a residential school trip during the week (hes a teacher) and he will be really tired and probably wont want to make it.

He says we are going for the weekend away so surely thats enough?
I just feel that hes making excuses because he doesnt want to meet my friends.

OP posts:
wiesowarum · 02/11/2024 05:40

Married or long term relationship man?

BrendaSmall · 02/11/2024 05:53

When you go out with him where do you usually go, out in public, pub, restaurant, cinema?
Thats if you both even go out together, maybe stay in together??

Original poster
5599katherine · 02/11/2024 06:12

We do. We live closely and have many mutual friends.

OP posts:
dontbedaft2000 · 02/11/2024 06:15

5599katherine · 02/11/2024 04:09

AIBU?
My boyfriend and I have been dating nearly a year and he is strangly relucant to meet my friends or let me meet his friends.
I have questioned him about this on many occasions and I still get the same excuses that hes scared, he is mostly friends with work colleagues and he didnt think it was appropriate etc. I am so upset with all the excuses.

Its my 30th birthday next weekend and we are going for a weekend away. Hes planned it all and Im looking forward to it.
The following week, its my birthday party with all of my friends, around 15 of them which includes work colleagues too. I have booked a table in a nice restaurant which also has a dance floor etc.
Obviously, I have asked him to come to which he has said he will try, but hes on a residential school trip during the week (hes a teacher) and he will be really tired and probably wont want to make it.

He says we are going for the weekend away so surely thats enough?
I just feel that hes making excuses because he doesnt want to meet my friends.

Your ex boyfriend, surely?

Autumnalsun · 02/11/2024 06:17

YABU

He’s celebrating your birthday already.
He doesn’t need to be there a second time.

It would be very different if he wasn’t celebrating your birthday or you were going to be alone.

I couldn’t think of anything worse than having a week of little sleep and then meeting everyone for the first time at a party.

This wouldn’t bother me and I’d let it go.
But I would invite him to your friends party or event next time or even just for a couple of drinks and see how he reacts.

Meadowfinch · 02/11/2024 06:18

Sounds like severe social anxiety to me.

Think about it - he's a teacher so spends his day 'in charge' of children, ie doesn"'t have to navigate other adults.

For your present he is taking you away for a romantic weekend - just the two of you, doesn't have to navigate other adults.

My guess is he hasn't introduced you to his friends because he doesn't have any, only work colleagues. Have you ever introduced him to any of your friends or family? If you think he is worth the effort, I think you have to engineer meetings without giving him warning, so he can't back out. Do it gradually, one at a time, so he can cope.

Asking someone with severe social issues to cope with a full on birthday party of strangers probably isn't a good place to start.

Interlaken · 02/11/2024 06:21

I also think he’s not a keeper.

This is setting a new low for your relationship expectations.
Don’t you deserve better?

I think it is time to clear the field for someone that will treat you properly.

Original poster
5599katherine · 02/11/2024 06:23

I have asked him on many occasions to join things even dinner with one friend or combine nights out so its not awkward. He goes to parties with lots of other people with no problems and he attend other peoples birthdays. I know he is tired and I understand that and I am trying to be empathetic etc but I just hear excuse after excuse.

OP posts:
muddyford · 02/11/2024 06:25

First thing that I thought when I was your title is that he's married.

muddyford · 02/11/2024 06:28

...when I saw your title...

SmileEachDay · 02/11/2024 06:29

Think about it - he's a teacher so spends his day 'in charge' of children, ie doesn"'t have to navigate other adults

Not the point of the thread, but navigating the many, many adults is definitely a big part of teaching. Other staff. Parents. Outside agencies etc.

OP you say you have mutual friends? What’s he like when you’re out with them? How did you meet these mutual?

Beeloux · 02/11/2024 06:30

OP I had one like this. Wanted to know about all my friends but never meet them. Turns out he didn’t want to meet them incase they recognised him still active on dating apps.
I would proceed with caution!

dogfail · 02/11/2024 06:36

I would honestly move on from this relationship.

It's not just about your birthday it's about the fact he's not willing to put your needs above his own. He knows you want him there and it will spoil things (abit) if he's not there. But he won't do it. He would sooner you be a bit unhappy at your birthday celebrations.

If you stay with him this will always be the case, his needs will come above yours and your kids (if you choose to have any)

BilboBlaggin · 02/11/2024 06:37

Does he acknowledge you on social media OP, or are you a secret on there too?

Shoxfordian · 02/11/2024 06:40

He's not really committed to you or being with you, and unless you want a relationship where you do everything separately then think seriously about whether this is going to work for you

Pipsquiggle · 02/11/2024 06:41

This is really weird. Is he anxious or introverted? Do you think he could be on dating apps? Seeing other women?

This has a load of red flags. You have been going out for a year. This is a big birthday and you've organised a party. He should be doing better than this.
He is showing you who he is.

dontbedaft2000 · 02/11/2024 06:41

My first thought is that you are the side piece, tbh.

But even if he's just rude and uncaring, surely you're not really planning to stay with him?

Mumof2girls2121 · 02/11/2024 06:41

He’s married or complete introvert - am married to one of the latter it’s hard work

AmberAlert86 · 02/11/2024 06:43

He might be "non peopley " person.
Or he has more relationships...

Drewner · 02/11/2024 06:44

Dump him

Original poster
5599katherine · 02/11/2024 06:47

On social media, we are friends but he has never posted a picture of us together.
We never ever go out with my friends or his. Even our mutual ones, they dont know we are together.
My close friends do but I have no idea about his. Our bosses know we are together as they are friends!

OP posts:
gestroopd · 02/11/2024 06:49

What's the point in this relationship? You presumably aren't out there trying to change him (because that would be offensive, just like if he tried to change you). So this is how he is. Are you hoping to have kids with him and get married at some point?

If so, this is your future. Do you want that?

If not, then he's a stop gap who is preventing you meeting someone who will actually be a good match/fit, so you're wasting your time.

FiddlefigOnTheRoof · 02/11/2024 06:50

Regardless of his reasons, can you really build a full functioning life with someone who shoves you in a compartment like this?

Namechangedforspooky · 02/11/2024 06:52

In some ways the reason doesn’t matter. He’s not giving you what you need from the relationship however good it may be in other ways. I would ask yourself what you want from life over the next few years. If it’s marriage and children he’s probably not a keeper if he’s so dead set on keeping his life separate. Could you talk to him about where he sees your relationship going? I’m not sure you have much to lose. I would absolutely want to have met his friends and vice versa before making any bigger commitment to him.

Original poster
5599katherine · 02/11/2024 06:53

Yes I completely agree. Its now time to make some decisions about our life and right now I am thinking of leaving him to it.

OP posts:
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