Boyfriend wont attend my birthday party

[5599katherine]

AIBU?
My boyfriend and I have been dating nearly a year and he is strangly relucant to meet my friends or let me meet his friends.
I have questioned him about this on many occasions and I still get the same excuses that hes scared, he is mostly friends with work colleagues and he didnt think it was appropriate etc. I am so upset with all the excuses.

Its my 30th birthday next weekend and we are going for a weekend away. Hes planned it all and Im looking forward to it.
The following week, its my birthday party with all of my friends, around 15 of them which includes work colleagues too. I have booked a table in a nice restaurant which also has a dance floor etc.
Obviously, I have asked him to come to which he has said he will try, but hes on a residential school trip during the week (hes a teacher) and he will be really tired and probably wont want to make it.

He says we are going for the weekend away so surely thats enough?
I just feel that hes making excuses because he doesnt want to meet my friends.

There’s someone else op. I’m prepared to bet he’s not away on a residential either.has he already told you he won’t be able to contact you for the whole week?

I had an ex like this. He wouldn’t come to a family wedding with me after 18 months together because he ‘might want to go out with his friends’ that weekend. I broke up with him then and there. Made it clear I wasn’t important to him, he didn’t have anything planned, no other woman, I just wasn’t a priority. For my 30th birthday this would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

I would worry about a friend who's boyfriend wasn't coming to a big birthday! It just seems unloving!

He is making an effort, though - he is taking her away for the weekend of her actual birthday. The meal is a week later.

Have you questioned why he attends other people's parties and social events but not yours? It's not nice but I think you are back burner woman. You think you are in a committed relationship but he is still looking

Is he married? Sounds fishy

I would emphasise that it's a pretty big deal he goes to your party and then not mention it to him again, if he doesn't attend as expected make it your birthday gift to yourself and ditch him.
I would hazard best present ever in hindsight.

I think he’s married and you are the unwitting but on the side. Sorry

I had a boyfriend like this. He would never join me at anything with my friends or family. Sometimes he'd say he would, but would always drop out. It became really embarrassing because people would of course ask when they were going to meet him, and probably thought I was making him up.

It turns out he did have other girls on the go, but that was the symptom rather than the cause, the real reason he wouldn't socialise with my friends is that he just didn't care about me as a person. I served a purpose (sex, pretty girl to take out, enjoyable to string along).

There's no future in this relationship op.

It sounds like it’s maybe grown in his head to a point now where he can’t face meeting your friends. If he’d done it gradually over the year he would know enough of them that your birthday would just be a natural night out. He really needs to grow a pair though, a 30th is special.

Have you talked about your future at all? Is he thinking you might live together and if so will he hide in the shed when you have visitors?

Yes, thank you so much. Sometimes he says he will come and drops out. For the birthday he was all for it until the residential, he gets back in the afternoon and its not till 8pm. I even said just swing by for a drink and then leave or come later on after a nap and its still no, im not sure, please dont expect me to come.
Im not a superficial person or ever ask for anything but I have been quite excited for the big 3 0 and made more effort than i usually would.
I do not want to beg for someone to come to party, if he doesnt want to be there then so be it.

OP don't let people on here make you feel bad for wanting him to attend your birthday or like you're being spoilt and a birthday brat.

Putting the birthday aside, you're not happy in this relationship. No one really knows you're together, he doesn't post any photos of you and I assume you feel like you can't either, you never socialise together and he won't introduce you to anyone. It's not just about one birthday meal.

Have you met his family?

Going against the grain here, I can see why it doesn't appeal to him. I'm an introvert, and if I'd been away with school all week, the last thing I'd want is to go out with 15 complete strangers for a night of drinking and dancing. I'd need some quiet time to decompress.
However, it's concerning thar he never wants to meet your friends.

We recently talked about living together. He was all for it and now he is saying he gets such a good price for his apartment, he does not want to leave. He knows I cant move in there as I have a dog and his place does not allow them. Its just excuse after excuse.

Andrew Huberman had a really interesting podcast episode on toxic relationships recently and one of the reg flags was how someone relates to their family and friends.

Ok let’s say he was going out with Margot Robbie and she asked him to come to her birthday party, do you think he say yes? You need to find someone who thinks you’re worth pulling out the stops for.

You are only about a year into this. Get out. He clearly has some sort of issues. Find someone who cherishes you.

I’m an introvert too and the same. I wouldn’t go out with my DH and his friends on a normal night out (and they only do meals with a few of them) but not going to your own partner’s birthday celebration, even just for a drink? It’s clearly important to the OP too.

Yep throw this one back.

Massive red flag. This doesn’t sound like it’ll go the distance, because of an issue with him.

This. End it, or you'll still be like this in 5 years.

It sounds like he's doing future faking but on a smaller scale. Yes I'll come to that event, yes we can move in together, just to let you think that you're both on the same page, then oh dear, something's come up.
He's keeping you firmly in friend zone so far as anyone else is concerned. Now why would he still be doing that after a YEAR?
Maybe there's another woman, maybe you're the other woman, maybe not. But something is smelling very very off.
Don't put up with someone who won't acknowledge your place in his life. At the very least it's belittling, dishonest and disrespectful.

Don’t waste another year with this drip. A heathy, grown man could pop along to your birthday meal is he really wanted to. Too tired? What a baby. Honestly raise your bar and move on. Have a lovely birthday (without him!).

It feels embarrassing because it is embarrassing.

You have even said just come for a drink or leave early

Your 30th birthday party with friends is a big deal but more significantly it's important to you and he should make an effort because you are his GF that he should care about

The best birthday present you could give yourself is getting rid of this time waster

Then for some reason he wants to keep your relationship hidden.

And aside from this odd behaviour , if yes so tired at 30-something what would he be like in 10 years time maybe with children? Not taking them anywhere bc he’s tired? Not doing his share of the home load bc he’s tired?

Dump and move on.