To just not wish to reply when cancelled on?

[ChimneySweepLiverpool]

A friend of mine from a previous job (almost 20 years ago) has cancelled on me a number of times this past year. She always has a family drama and cancels. It's always oh my DM needs me to call over, oh my DB needs this, etc. I have always sent a sympathic message but I don't feel a priority to this person anymore.

I knew she would cancel our lunch tomorrow and I was correct. I received another family emergency text. I don't mean to sound unreasonable but I don't want to reply again. I think surely you could fit a friend in for an hour to have tea..... I don't wish to sound selfish but I can't be arsed to chase her/sympathise anymore

I don't think it's unreasonable to not reply if that's what you want, if it was me I would just a message explaining how I feel and let them know I'm not willing to set time aside for them anymore as it's a waste of time

I’d just reply sorry to hear that
and then not respond to any further invitations (certainly don’t make any invitations)
and phase her out

I don’t think it’s selfish.
If it’s a common occurrence and you don’t want to reply, then don’t.
YDANBU

Perfect scenario in which to just give a thumbs up

I was worried I would seem heartless as sometimes it's sad excuses like DM being upset or DB being unwell. But it's happened the past four meet ups in a row now

I'm not always good with friends. I have a very small number of friends but I don't wish to feel disregarded

Agreed, this definitely calls for the passive aggressive thumbs up.
Let your friend make the arrangements next time, don't put yourself out for her.

Yeah don't reply

I'd just reply, 'Okay.'
That's it.

@ChimneySweepLiverpool unfortunately, people do lie about 'family emergencies' when they either forgot, have found better plans or simply can't be bothered.

Not much you can do about it but as PP says this time just avoid arranging another one. I'm sure it's disappointing but this friend obviously has a lot going on or is unable to commit for whatever reason so it's probably best left to be.

Unless you are able to do things more spontaneously with her.

I always send follow up texts, how is DM now, how is DB etc in the following days and weeks.

I knew when putting this in my diary that it would be cancelled so it feels pretty shit to be right. The message does acknowledge that it keeps happening and offers an alternative day but I assume that will also be cancelled (and I'm genuinely not free that day)

If she's proposed another date in her message it's probably best not to use the thumbs up in case she reads that as you agreeing to the new date. I probably wouldn't reply either if I was you.

She’s made you feel low in her priorities. Could you reply expressing surprise that anything had been planned and relief as you wouldn’t have been available anyway? Leave her to ponder and perhaps value you and your time more.

I understand how disappointing it must be for you.
Maybe just go back with ok. No problem. Unfortunately I'm not free on that day and leave it at that. Then as others have said try and distance yourself from her. You don't need to follow up on how her family are. Friendship is both ways and if it's always you making the effort then it's time to step away

Tomorrow's lunch was already a rearranged lunch from last month, which I think was rearranged from a time before 🥲

And I know she's very social, she's often out with friends

If she has time for them she has time for you. Plus she’s not unreliable consistently. Put her on a back burner.

I'd just reply OK and leave it there, so she knows you've had her message. Leave the ball in her court and don't make any further effort. You're right that you're no longer a priority in her life. Maybe the friendship has run it's course? Time to move on.

I think my insecurity has been playing up knowing she will cancel. I suspect she wouldn't cancel other friends like this

Yes, just don't reply.

I've had this before - right down to the suggestion of a new date, which then gets cancelled too and the boring chain goes on.

A reply like this fixed it for me:

"Of course. Thanks for suggesting a new date - however you seem to have a lot on, so let's leave it for now and pick up again down the line, once things have calmed down."

This is a good reply! Dignified but slightly passive aggressive!

I would reply with
"Wow, yet another cancellation due to a family emergency, what a surprise. See you around, unless your brothers car breaks down....again!"

But I am an angry middle aged bitch with not a single fuck to give about upsetting people who think I am stupid enough to fall for their bullshit.

You’re finding out who your mates are and she’s not one. Don’t worry I’m 42 and still not found my tribe. I’m working on it though I have one I think 🤔😂👍

The perfect Scottish response to this is

aye ok then.
if said to someone’s face it might also be accompanied by a single lifted eyebrow

it drips with sarcasm while at the same time on the surface not being rude.

of course it doesn’t work with a proposed new date but you get the drift.

Why do you need to be passive aggressive? Dignified and passive aggressive shouldn't really be in the same sentence. You're either one or the other. I'm sure this is how some people (not you, just generally speaking) convince themselves that they're being "polite"/dignified yet passive aggressive. They really aren't being the former if they're also being the latter no matter how they try to dress it. Best to do it bravely if you're going to or dignify with silence.

Anyway OP, YANBU. Don't reply. Instead of giving her headspace thinking of something to say - 'should I be nice but strict or dignified but passive aggressive or graceful but angry?...blah blah blah'...urrgh just leave her on read. That's it. Let her do the thinking and chasing. You don't have to.