To just not wish to reply when cancelled on?

[ChimneySweepLiverpool]

A friend of mine from a previous job (almost 20 years ago) has cancelled on me a number of times this past year. She always has a family drama and cancels. It's always oh my DM needs me to call over, oh my DB needs this, etc. I have always sent a sympathic message but I don't feel a priority to this person anymore.

I knew she would cancel our lunch tomorrow and I was correct. I received another family emergency text. I don't mean to sound unreasonable but I don't want to reply again. I think surely you could fit a friend in for an hour to have tea..... I don't wish to sound selfish but I can't be arsed to chase her/sympathise anymore

Lovely gift? It's no different to a bloke who love-bombs. It's insincere, can't you see through that?

And a huge social circle? when you actually scratch beneath the surface, it'll be a combination of her promoting herself on social media and people enjoying the temporary ego boost, I bet you if she ever had a real life challenge, she wouldn't see any of them for dust!

Unless she makes arrangements, do not make arrangements. Even then, though, she might cancel. So be ready with a 'Good, No biggie. I can ... instead.'.

I think it's fine - if this person hasn't got time to be your friend, well, that happens. If they want your company, they will invite you!

This is much like my SD from dhs first marriage.
She has 3 kids with her partner. Money not a problem and lives 2hours away .
DH has stage 4 cancer. Four times she has arranged to come and see him. Each time it's been a pathetic excuse. Maybe a downright lie
One was that her partner's brother had been found dead in the street at 2 am
I'm not buying any of this crap. I'm not interested anymore.
She'll leave it too late..then she'll be sorry.
I feel so sorry for DH though

If my friend cancelled on me more than once or twice I wouldn't arrange anything else with her. If she asks to meet you should say you'd rather not make an arrangement as she seems very busy and tends to cancel. Tell her you'd be happy to meet when she is less busy.

@pestowithwalnuts - You could have checked the Obits re: 'One was that her partner's brother had been found dead in the street at 2 am'...

@SabreIsMyFave if I were you I'd block your "friend" then you'll never know if she is messaging you and therefore wouldn't get sucked back in.

I hope u didn't reply op, she doesn't deserve it. Why keep saying ok or asking about DM etc when u know it's probably bull💩?

I'd stop making arrangements with her. Next time she texts don't reply and keep her hanging. She knows u are always there so don't be.

I said OK and asked after family the first few times because they did have genuine family stuff going on and I was being a good friend but as it kept up I realised I was feeling second choice and it continued to happen @yerarseinparsley

Anyway, the silence feels pretty deafening that we haven't spoken and she didn't send any follow up

@ChimneySweepLiverpool Of course she didn't follow up - she's waiting for you to reach out to her, because she feels 'superior' to you [read entitled].

I’m in a similar situation. I just don’t offer to meet up anymore. I found I was making all the effort so I stopped.

No explanation needed to her. Just focus on yourself and other relationships.

Oh OP, I do feel for you and can't believe there are so many of us that have been through similar with a " friend". It's especially tough when you don't have many other friends to fall back on and you really look forward to a day out, only for it to be snatched away with yet another cancellation text. It's happened to me too - over the space of 6 months, friend cancelled 6 times all with the excuse of her child being sick. Given the fact we'd only meet up every three weeks or so, that's a lot of times! Like you, I'd always be sympathetic and send a ' don't worry, hope child is ok' message until the penny dropped that by doing this, I was invalidating my own hurt feelings and actually, friend never seemed to have this happen on a day she was seeing another friend... It had to be more than just a coincidence. She had remarked once that she was sorry she had to cancel so many times but knew that it was ok as I was so nice and understanding and wouldn't mind! I suffered from terribly low self esteem back then and being " friends" with her only compounded the way I viewed myself - as unimportant, undeserving of care and as a vessel to make others happy. Long story short OP, let her go. As others have remarked, she wouldn't get away with this behaviour with her more assertive, confident mates who'd call out her flakiness in a heart beat. Don't be a doormat - the price is too high to bear mentally. Join a meet up group, hobby, anything and you'll meet new people who will value you and your time. Or simply invest more in those friends who DO respect you and treat you well.

I have a friend like this and it’s so frustrating. She will say she wants to do something - special meal, day trip somewhere and I’ll say cool I’ll drive (don’t expect anything for petrol) and we’ll sort a date that allows her to save up or have money for whatever it is. My life is so busy so I always look forward to these times and nearly every time she cancels saying she hasn’t any money or something else. It frustrates me as I’ll save up and look forward to these plans and always end up disappointed. Instead she’ll want coffee and cake somewhere we always go.
Ive really had to learn to adjust my expectations and just book coffee dates with her. I wish her well and wish we could spend more time together but I’ve resigned myself that I’m just not important to her.

I'm sorry to hear that so many have gone through similar

I'm not sure why this is happening but it's been happening to me more and more with friends. I've just stopped messaging friends first and many don't text at all. It's quite vulnerable to admit it's lonely and a sore spot for me

Don't reply. Not every text has to be answered.

She might have social anxiety and means well but then can’t go through with meeting. If so it’s probably not something you could really support her through. Just don’t accept the invitations and say you’ll see her around / catch up soon.

OP has already posted that this "friend" is often out socialising with other people. So if it's social anxiety then it's a very specific version which only seems to apply to meeting up with the OP.

This friend has the opposite of social anxiety and is a social butterfly @CrayonCritic5. They are the type to constantly be out and is an extrovert

@GothRedWineDance Did you dump your flaky friend?

I had a friend do this cancellation stuff at the last minute, the last time where I travelled quite far to meet her. After that, I just didn't reply and it was kind of a mutual ghosting. I was tired of having my time wasted like that.

In the end, yes. I tried to salvage things by redefining boundaries and being more direct that it upset me when she constantly cancelled, but to no avail. Ultimately people will treat you how you allow them to treat you. It was a good lesson to learn.

I wouldn't admit it to anyone really but my self esteem is pretty much non existent and situations like this people only reinforce it. Trying to figure out next steps so friendship can't lower it again!

I think you've inadvertently hit the nail on the head - your low self esteem is keeping you in this friendship, but it's these types of flaky friendships which feed your low self esteem. So you're stuck in a negative loop. I get it as I've been there. I know It's an old trope, but it's a true one - it's better to be friendless and alone, than have a ' friend'like this. You could try talking to her if you think it would change things, but be prepared to go it alone OP and start building yourself up from ground zero. You don't deserve to be messed around and picked up and dropped at will. You're worth far more than that.

I know how this feels I had someone who was like this until I caught her out in the lie we now aren’t friends and don’t talk at all. If they wanted to make time for you they would