To just not wish to reply when cancelled on?

[ChimneySweepLiverpool]

A friend of mine from a previous job (almost 20 years ago) has cancelled on me a number of times this past year. She always has a family drama and cancels. It's always oh my DM needs me to call over, oh my DB needs this, etc. I have always sent a sympathic message but I don't feel a priority to this person anymore.

I knew she would cancel our lunch tomorrow and I was correct. I received another family emergency text. I don't mean to sound unreasonable but I don't want to reply again. I think surely you could fit a friend in for an hour to have tea..... I don't wish to sound selfish but I can't be arsed to chase her/sympathise anymore

As they say" never make someone a priority who only sees you as an option". She may well have a 'family emergency '. She may also have had a better offer. I would say nothing and arrange nothing further. Let it fade and die.Some friendships have a sell- by date.

I wouldn’t go passive aggressive I just would not reply. I know it will make you feel uncomfortable. However it’s important to sit with this discomfort. This will give you reflection time on how to value yourself at least as much as the other person

Totally agree with this. Sometimes discomfort is a part of life and sitting with it is ok and good to do. It's NOT your job to smooth over her actions or make her feel better about them. I just wouldnt reply.

If you get a text later asking why you didnt reply then I'd be honest and say "I didnt know what to say, you've cancelled on me 4 times in a row and it makes me feel quite unimportant" then leave the ball in her court.

I certainly would NOT be making any further plans with her in future.

I really like @Withtheday 's suggestion

"Of course. Thanks for suggesting a new date - however you seem to have a lot on, so let's leave it for now and pick up again down the line, once things have calmed down."

I'm pretty social but have had times of being the flaky one and also friends who had flaky times. Some of them came out of it again and the friendship resumed. Others never reappeared.

It's perfect fine not to see each other for a while. The good ones will eventually come back. The key I think is never to be more invested in a friendship than the friend appears to be. Find other things to do with your time which are more enjoyable so you don't miss them anymore than they miss you.

Please don’t feel obligated to respond , not even an emoji. Nothing. I’m sorry she keeps on cancelling on you but let it go.

Yea, the thumbs up is now used too often as an actual thumbs up so it’s confusing now. Used to just be purely passive aggressive IME!

Why does her grown man brother need so much help?? Unlikely. What a shit excuse.

I’d go for a ‘good luck’ or something a bit ambiguous 😄 is it genuine? Is it passive aggressive? Good luck with brother? Or good luck in life??

Absolutely she deserves the 👍

Sorry OP but you’re not a priority for her and this friendship has run its course.

@WhatASadLittleLifeJayne I actually love that! also, lol at your user name 😂

I'm an arsehole and pretend not to have seen the message as you can read it without having the ticks gone blue etc.

So wait until after we were due to meet and then reply going "oh no, I'm here now! Only just saw this... "

I think “That’s a shame.” is a good reply.

Personally I'd just reply with "ok" and then not bother arranging anything again.

If she then arranged something I'd be tempted to cancel last minute with a really lame excuse about a family member!

My DH has a flakey friend like this who always cancels a couple of hours before. When DHs phone beeps we play a game of guess the excuse!

Honestly, I’d send this.

BUT it’s really important that you don’t agree to any more meet ups. If she comes back say “That sounds lovely but unfortunately I won’t be able to make it. I hope you have a great time!”. Do not give a reason for not being able to make it - it isn’t any of her business.

Those aren’t emergencies though, that’s just life.

I’d drop her, she is wasting your time and making you feel rubbish.

I've had a couple of friends do this. Both were struggling with their mh. They could pull enough together for 'duty' socials - colleagues etc. But would drop me regularly because they knew I would wait for their difficulties to pass.

I guess it depends on your relationships. My friends were worth waiting for. Other people I have let go. And that's fine. Fewer high quality friends suits me better than lots of flakey ones.

Excuses Reasons I have received from people are:

I was taken short - I presume this means they needed the toilet, I didn't ask
My grandma doesn't feel very well
I had to take some meat round to my grandma???

My friend had a man tell her that he needed to take the cat to the vet but he didn't have a cat.

I was also constantly dropped for their adult son just dropping in who lived in another town, but it was only 40 minutes away.

I love this response

I also think this is a good response. Its not unkind, but equally its drawing a firm boundary that you wont be meeting up with her again.

There is literally no point in carrying on this ridiculous charade of making dates only for her to flake out on you every single time. I dont care what the reason is- it's rude and selfish. Even if she does have MH issues or family issues, then she should communicate that to you and stop suggesting dates she knows full well she wont honour which wastes your time and makes you feel rubbish.

Step off this stupid carousel, it's utterly pointless and dont meet up with her ever again. She is not your friend.

How does she arrange you meeting and cancel? Is it always WhatsApp or other IM? If so and she suggests another time just say "I can't, sorry" or something with no further explanation, and don't ask about her mum, brother or budgie.

I contacted a former work colleague who I'd met up with once since she left about a year previously when I was in the area and her reply was "sorry I already have plans". That was so bald and basic I never contacted her again and have never heard from her again. I think that says it all. She just CBA.

I would reply saying OK or no problem if they were genuine but if I never saw them due to these excuses then I wouldn’t respond or try to arrange anything again.

Work friendships can feel really important and quite intense when you have work in common. It can change once one person leaves. Just step away, don't do all the following up texts. Sounds like she's moved on. Just say, OK thanks for letting me know.

I think your friend is what I call a hedge better.

I’ve come across a few people who agree to things, then just before get a better offer. They book things in, but are open to a better offer. They wouldn’t do it to a Queen Bee, or popular friend, but are happy to do it to others who don’t have something of value to them.

A while ago I arranged a night out for a group of friends. It was in the calendar 3 months in advance. When I sent the reminder, almost all of them responded with I’m seeing my PiL, got to take the car for an MOT, DC have been sick so need a night in etc. Since then I’ve not organised anything and I just see the reliable ones one on one.

Whilst you are wasting time on this shit friendship, you could be making other great friends.

I think a thumbs up emoji is handy for this sort of thing!

Whilst you are wasting time on this shit friendship, you could be making other great friends

Exactly this! you are wasting precious time on this person who clearly isnt invested in keeping in touch and doesnt care when that time could be spent on others who really do and will care

Yea, the thumbs up is now used too often as an actual thumbs up so it’s confusing now. Used to just be purely passive aggressive IME!

Yes! I was using it in all sincerity to mean "Yes, great, totally agree!" until Mumsnet informed me I was accidentally being obnoxious.

Since she has acknowledged it I would reply that you think it’s best to leave it and not make any further plans while she has so much going on.

Friendships end, this seems it should be one of them.