To just not wish to reply when cancelled on?

[ChimneySweepLiverpool]

A friend of mine from a previous job (almost 20 years ago) has cancelled on me a number of times this past year. She always has a family drama and cancels. It's always oh my DM needs me to call over, oh my DB needs this, etc. I have always sent a sympathic message but I don't feel a priority to this person anymore.

I knew she would cancel our lunch tomorrow and I was correct. I received another family emergency text. I don't mean to sound unreasonable but I don't want to reply again. I think surely you could fit a friend in for an hour to have tea..... I don't wish to sound selfish but I can't be arsed to chase her/sympathise anymore

I had a friend who would cancelled on me three times in succession

Each time saying her child had been up all night throwing up.
The third time I was sent a text with the same excuse whilst sitting in the cafe we were going to meet in.

I sent a text back suggesting she used the time she would have spent with me to take her child to the doctors to find out why they threw up so regularly. Then blocked her.

You're completely right, I have a friend similar who cancels every other time we have plans and she is the same it's always some minor family emergency (in reality I think she just can't be bothered meeting up!) and I don't reply to her either because it really riles me up and I don't want to say something mean in the heat of the moment.

Some of these replies are really harsh. I have chronic health issues and so does a friend of mine. One or the other of us ends up having to reschedule fairly frequently, neither of us gets arsey about it, because neither of us is in a position to maintain friendships with inflexible people. Shit happens. Haven't read every single post, but I hope pps who are talking about blocking have enough about them that they would make an exception if they knew someone's health wasn't good.

@sixtyten I dont think people are referring to those who are genuinely chronically ill. If thats the case then surely you would warn your friends that your arrangements might not happen so they can keep the plans loose and flexible so noone is inconvenienced. No problem.

We are talking about people who cancel for no other reason than they cant be bothered or a better offer has come along. Eg Cancelling whilst someone is waiting at a restaurant for them, or at a cafe. Cancelling just as they are getting the dinner they prepared for them out of the oven etc. Or, them cancelling with some BS excuse and then seeing them tagged all over social media at another social event revealing them to be liars.

The only way to find out who your real friends are and the ones that want to keep contact is to stop making contact first. If u are always the one making contact and that person only replies when u text or doesn't text at all then u know where u stand, they ain't bothered.
I gave up a friend a long time ago, I told her that I was cutting contact cause I feel like I was second best to everyone else and the the friendship was fading out, I was sick of being there for others. I now have no friends and it suits me better than having sh!t ones.

I find myself always being the first to text in friendships these days and I don't understand.

Not trying to be woe is me and I've started hobbies to meet new people but I genuinely wonder why I'm not someone people want to be friends with

Honesty, stop putting things in your diary and having to cross them out. If you still want to be friends with her, next time she suggests some arrangement, try saying that you'd rather she texted in the morning when she's free for lunch and you'll meet her if you're free, rather than booking things in advance. If she asks why just say Well, you do keep cancelling on me! Four times wasn't it, last time we arranged to meet for lunch? She'll get the message.

Could do with a little handhold. She messaged Thursday with a hey, how are you doing? I haven't replied.

I've lost a lot of friends in the past couple years and am quite lonely. It feels so awkward now, I want to make sure I'm not just messing someone around.....

I have a couple of long term friends where I've got into the habit of being 'the organiser' and honestly I think they just expect me to be the active one now. I've probably created a rod for my back but I don't doubt the friendships. When we meet up we have a good time and that's what matters, to me anyway. I've had countless friendships over the year go off the boil so I think I'm well qualified to know when a friendship is going south, regardless of who is texting first.
Having said that, in newer friendships I try not to established myself as the active one so much.

She’s reaching out because she’s annoyed she can’t just reel you back in like usual. It’s an unusual change in your dynamic with her and it’s thrown her off. People often don’t like the unpredictability of dynamic changes.

Think about it this way- if she REALLY cared how you were doing she’d make the effort to actually meet up with you in person wouldn’t she?

So why does she keep cancelling then? Think about that.

This! She likes to think she's above you, and it's you desperate for her and chasing her so this situation doesn't fit her ideal!

Well to be fair in her eyes her emergencies may seem like genuine reasons to cancel!

If you like her you could reply but you don't have to arrange to meet up

I have known a few people like this and the friendship can't last in my opinion once you get to a point you know they will can cancel and they do then it's difficult to want to ever make plans again.

You could just say "Fine thanks. Hope your okay" if you can't bring yourself to be rude or not reply but also shows you're not giving too much. If she suggests meeting you could use a reply like PP said, saying it would be lovely to see you but it seems like you have a lot on at the moment and so maybe we best leave it for now to avoid any more last minute cancellations.

Another friend I was straightforward with when she cancelled on me as she wanted to change plans ie cancel on my on the day because something else had come up. I said that's fine but next time would you make sure you're free before we make plans as when I kept the day free and I could have done something else. This was after he mixing up plans or double booking me a few times. She was understanding and we met up anyway. It was as if she hadn't realised I was actually keeping the date free as we'd agreed to meet so she needed to do the same. Sometimes it can help to be honest if they're that kind of person.

If you like her but don’t want to plan 1-2-1 meet ups as she’s likely to cancel, why don’t you set up a wider meeting with mutual friends. That’s what I do with a couple of people I like but don’t enjoy meeting 1-2-1 as they sometimes pull out when I’ve arrived at where we’re meeting!

But she's had "emergencies" the last 3 times you've arranged things. Come on now, thats a bit nonsense isnt it? noone has that many emergencies and isnt it a bit coincidental that they all happen to just fall on dates you're meant to meet?

If it were me, I'd reply "good thanks" and leave it at that. I wouldnt be rude but equally, I wouldn't be entertaining any other meet ups.

If she does suggest another date I'd say "sounds great, but how about we wait until things are a bit calmer since you've had a lot on your plate recently and couldnt make it the last few times" then I'd leave it. That way you arent being rude but its clear you wont put up with this BS any more.

And when they genuinely have a lot of demands on them, or have social anxiety.

However in this case, thumbs up

I'm meeting a mutual friend tomorrow and am wondering what to say when she comes up (I'm closer to cancelling friend).

As someone who used to cancel on people a lot when younger, I'm questioning my silence to her and as Christmas approaches, I'm wondering should I send a card

Just say to your other friend you haven’t seen her if she asks.

Just say to your friend that you haven't seen her. That unfortunately she had to cancel your last few meets up.

You dont have to overthink this- if she asks tell the truth, you havent seen her as she's cancelled. It's the truth so no need to worry about it, its literally what happened.