To just not wish to reply when cancelled on?

[ChimneySweepLiverpool]

A friend of mine from a previous job (almost 20 years ago) has cancelled on me a number of times this past year. She always has a family drama and cancels. It's always oh my DM needs me to call over, oh my DB needs this, etc. I have always sent a sympathic message but I don't feel a priority to this person anymore.

I knew she would cancel our lunch tomorrow and I was correct. I received another family emergency text. I don't mean to sound unreasonable but I don't want to reply again. I think surely you could fit a friend in for an hour to have tea..... I don't wish to sound selfish but I can't be arsed to chase her/sympathise anymore

You don't need "friends" like that. I'd message back and say

"I'm hurt by being cancelled so often. It's probably best not to arrange anything else. Best wishes"

No reply is fine but also 'that's a shame I was looking forward to it' might make her think about how cancelling affects you. I lost a very good friend once who kept cancelling on visiting us with different excuses. The last time didn't matter so much as I knew the drill and hadn't bothered buying any food in! The thing that stung was if something else was going on in her life we were supposed to be good enough friends to tell each other.

This sounds by far the most fun response 😂

I didn't expect all the replies, thank you!

We do have mutual friends and see each other at birthdays etc too, but we've usually been quite close within that group.

I didn't want to be too outing but her SIL left and she does help DB a lot. Other excuses this year was her DS losing a pregnancy and her aunt passing, hence helping DM.

These excuses are the type to pull on heart strings and make anyone look like a twat if annoyed, but I think real friends could still squeeze me in for an hour

I might go with something like this but a little less pissed off (if that is possible) so maybe "Oh, that's disappointing that you're cancelling again but I'm not surprised as this lunch was cancelled last month too. Perhaps it's better if we leave meeting up for the foreseeable as you seem to have a lot on and a lot of family emergencies. Catch up again soon. All the best @ChimneySweepLiverpool "

If you feel the need to reply about the cancellation, I'd make it very clear that you've noticed that your arrangements with her are repeatedly rescheduled but never happen and that you think it would be best to leave things for the time being.

Perhaps in time, she may reach out to you again and she won't reschedule as often or even at all.

Bit of a mixed message there? If she sees you've blocked her she's going to assume you don't want any further contact...

These excuses are the type to pull on heart strings and make anyone look like a twat if annoyed, but I think real friends could still squeeze me in for an hour

Yes, they may be designed to elicit sympathy but then she shouldn't be suggesting dates if she is too busy to make them. I notice these dire emergencies also dont seem to affect her meeting up with other friends which is telling.....

She sounds flaky. I wouldnt plan with her again or say I leave dates to you as last few cancelled. But maybe thats too direct!!

Why on earth would you block someone over this? Bit of an overreaction. Personally I'd just not try to arrange anything with this friend again.

She's cancelled on you 4 times?!!! Bollocks to that. Fair enough emergencies crop up, we all know that and are understanding about it but I simply dont believe that has genuinely happened 4 times in a row when she apparently manages to socialise with others perfectly well.

It's an excuse and you need to absolutely stop following up asking how everything is- she is using you- why are you running around checking on her after this? She doesnt deserve it.

Let her go. You're asking for an hour of her time, not an entire weekend taking her away from her family responsibilities.

Dont reply, dont follow up with her, dont check in with her. Drop the rope and let her just get on with her busy life as thats what she clearly wants. She has shown you she doesnt care to meet. If you agree to her rescheduling and she cancels yet again (which is very likely) you'll feel like an absolute nitwit. Dont let her do that to you!

With people like this I only make loose arrangements - if they suggest a date for something like a local lunch I will say 'yes, free at the moment - send me a text on that morning if you're still free and we'll sort out the details then' or wtte. Then I forget all about it, if they do text and I'm still free I'll go...but for serial flakes that is usually the end of it.

I can understand your frustration and feelings but as a mum who does sometimes have family dramas, it may be true and she felt you’d understand, rather than disregarding you … though Db sounds a bit of a stretch. Mine would be Dc has just vomited everywhere …

One thing I have noticed about people who do this is that they do it with people they know will tolerate it and will always be there. They take them for granted thinking it doesn’t matter if I cancel on X, they don’t mind and they always accept it so it’s fine to do it. It’s your response (or lack of) and continual care for her despite her actions that gives her the confidence to keep doing it. I suspect she doesn’t do it with others because she knows they wouldn’t put up with it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming you at all but people do what they can get away with. She knows that given the option she can cancel you first rather than others because she knows you’ll just accept it. You have become the easiest and most disposable option that she can move or cancel because you never go anywhere.

Stop allowing her to do this. You have value and worth and it’s perfectly valid to not be ok with this behaviour from her. Make yourself a priority and stop allowing people to take you for granted.

Even when the reasons are genuine there comes a point where meet ups keep being cancelled over a prolonged period and the friendship has withered and died.

OP if you feel like it's not worth rescheduling then listen to that feeling. If this is a mutual friendship you can always relegate them to someone you just see at groups things. It doesn't have to be a decision to end or not end things altogether.

I agree with that @Calliopespa . I have friends who cancel due to kids being sick, especially some who are unlucky with vomiting. I think that's another category of cancelling and those friends always rearrange

When I read your initial post, my first reaction was that you should just block.

But, as you are likely to see this person again because you have mutual friends, I would just reply something along the lines of “That’s a shame” and leave it at that. If she gets I contact again, be non commital and tell her you’ll let her know when you are free. And then ever be free.

It's a tricky one and I'm dealing with a similar situation too. The most recent cancellation was for another pull on the heart strings reason (where you look like the inconsiderate one if you don't take the cancellation gracefully) so I just replied with 'No problem, I hope things get better for you soon. (Date suggested) should be ok but message in a few days to let me know if you can definitely make it'. I wanted to leave the ball in her court, if she was bothered about meeting me then she'd message. Unfortunately (fortunately?) that date passed a while ago. She did message to say her and another mutual friend were looking to book a spa day if I wanted to join them. Which I didn't know how to take - can't meet me for a coffee but is clearly fine to meet other friends?

If this person is making you feel bad then stop contacting them - you're being used and you deserve better. Those types of friendships are rarely worth saving, you need people around you who don't make you feel like rubbish. It doesn't have to be as severe as blocking them but just give unclear responses as to whether you're free. She'll either take the hint and be better or she'll give up but either way you'll have your answer.

I wouldn't be arranging anything else with flakester.

I ended up blocking a friend a few years ago because of this. I just knew I wasn’t valued any more. Tbh, I was ok about it as we were uni friends and we had fun then but didn’t have much in common afterwards. It doesn’t take away the happy memories but some people aren’t meant to be in your life forever 🤷‍♀️

If it's happened the last 4 times I wouldn't want this person as a 'friend' in my life anymore. But then I am very black and white about things. Friendship is a 2 way street & this would really annoy me so I would definitely not reply. I'd leave it & let her follow up, if she wanted. The older I get, the less I care.

If you want to continue with the friendship reply...if you don't, don't.
Personally I couldn't be doing with it, I have a family member who does this to me and I just felt like a doormat in the end, so I stopped arranging and the every text I get, once every 6 to 12 months, about meeting, I'm always "busy". CBA with it.

I don't know if she's trying to let you down gently or she's genuinely busy/caught up, but only you can decide if you want to carry on. She may do this to everyone, who knows.

I read recently someone saying that they've stopped contacting people/ reaching out first.....and they haven't heard from a lot of people in a very long time! I would try that myself. I certainly wouldn't be sending out follow up messages

Your friend might be going through some personal stuff, you also don’t want to be made to feel bad (I’ve been you in this situation many times). Why not book something to do together like cinema theatre so can’t just pull out the same as you can do with a coffee? Or invite her to your house for lunch see if that works as if you are cooking she may also not drop out so quickly?

I have invited her to my house and she came once. Another time just didn't text on the day, when I text I think she had forgotten.

She does have a history of anxiety, as do I. Its one thing we've bonded over and in my 20s I used to be flakey but I've dealt with that head on now that I'm older. If she was cancelling on everyone, I would reach out and try help

This. How true and what a wise and articulate post.

Genuine things crop up but somebody who cares and values you will rearrange and be generally reliable, so you get to know eventually who's genuine and who gets a 'better' offer or can't bothered.

People did this to me all my life and only bothered to use me, taking full advantage of the fact that I'm very lonely and was a people pleaser.

Please don't allow people to do this to you as the fact you're posting on here and have replied to posters show you're a good person and friend.

I quietly dropped the rope when they nailed their colours to the mast during the pandemic and it became obvious. I couldn't ignore it any longer. They know it, I know it and they know I know it. Now those 'friendships' if that's what they even were can't be salvaged. It sounds like this has happened to you. I have joined clubs, voluntary work and night school to experience the same and have walked away a lot sooner as you recognise the patterns. Please pay attention to them. Your friend knows where you are and it's hurtful to see people who have can't meet due to anxiety and/or other problems, yet are well enough to meet others, especially when you have few other friends.

I would either drop the rope and be unavailable from now on or send a reply as suggested above that acknowledges this person has too much going on and it's better not to rearrange.

Hope you find other good people for company :)

Don't, then.
Your friend will get over it.