AIBU to stop DD contact with GF

[jcsc]

DD is 14 year 10 at school. She has a gf whose 16 and in college, this is the hard bit for me, they’ve never met but just spoke on the phone and via text/social media for the last 3 months. They met via mutual friends in a group chat. Blown up last 24 hours as GF is controlling imo and my DD close friends opinion. GF makes her sneak into toilets (no phones allowed at school) to text back or gets angry. Wants to know where she is, who she is with and you can’t leave a message ‘on read’ and not reply or she hounds her. Makes her stay awake as long as possible texting sometimes until 3-4am. She apparently has come out of a toxic relationship and tried to kill herself last year . Gf dad also messaged my daughter asking if she was ok and that they all love her, I found out yesterday after the girls had a bust up and GF was controlling.I am raging that some girls dad is messaging my DD who I’ve never met. Instant red flags. My DD says sorry all the time when she’s not done anything wrong and that I’m not understanding and she’s in love with her. I can’t quite understand how’s she in love with her and that these next years of her life are so massively important that I want her to stop all contact. I’ve stated I won’t allow them to meet (gf lives about 45 mins away from us) and if this carries on I will text the gf myself and remove my DD phone. I’m now the worst mum on the planet that doesn’t understand her feelings or the love she has for this girl and she now hates me kicking me out of her bedroom with a slammed door behind me. Tried to explain it’s my job as her mum to protect her and I think this is a toxic phone relationship that my DD is infatuated with and it’s now spiralling out of control. She’s stopped messaging her friends, hardly comes out of her room, isn’t doing her homework and just isn’t her normal self.
AIBU for saying stop contact or should I let her continue

Na she’s 14, your house your rules. She can learn about heartbreak when she’s a bit older. I’d perhaps however try a softer approach and bank on her being intelligent to see it for herself, look at some videos on YouTube you could show her and get her to question it for herself.

That's a tough one. Conventional wisdom says if you ban the relationship it just gets more heartfelt. But she's awfully young. Why don't you want them to actually meet if the distance is relatively small? Maybe that might actually calm it all down a bit - virtual relationships can be super-intense at any age.

Gf dad also messaged my daughter asking if she was ok and that they all love her

I’d be stamping hard on this, it’s not appropriate and I’d be finding a way to contact this man to let him know this. The full family sound like a huge red flag.

Edited to add I wouldn’t be letting your DD near this family to safeguard her and I’d be explaining that to her.

You need to remove her phone at night and you need to speak to the girl’s father. I would suggest you try to get your daughter to a point where she chooses to block this girl. The age / maturity gap is too large. The gf has mental health problems your daughter doesn’t need in her life.

They've NEVER met!!
You need to talk some sense into her, this is ridiculous.
I'd call the dad and tell him he's way out of line.

I'm all for letting young love run its course but this is an abusive relationship. Stop it now and maybe look at some counselling or recognising abuse training for your dd.

initially I agreed we would arrange for them to meet then life got in the way. She does weekend sport and has clubs during the week some nights so it was hard finding the time. Now its seem to be getting so intense and all very full on and controlling.
I’ve gone in hard and said it’s not appropriate and at at the time I didn’t realise she was 16 either. Only found out today she tried to kill herself last year. She also messaged my DH last night on social media asking where DD was and then went mental at DD for being out.

They've never met but have spoken on the phone.

So we can assume she is female but how do you even know if this GF is even 16 !!!

This is exactly what I said. And if they had met or do meet no doubt my DD would be a physical punch bag at some point. All I get it from her is you don’t understand my feelings and that she loves her and I’m ruining her life.

This could be a catfish! It’s highly unlikely that a dad messaged her! Arranging to meet might be the way forward (with you present) I’d bet “she” doesn’t turn up.

Have you watched Sweet Bobby on Netflix, or the American show Catfish. This scenario bears all the signs.

i Said it was ridiculous and you can’t really love someone you haven’t met.
I also chucked out there that any physical relationship between them is illegal (after doing a quick google search as wasn’t sure on same gender) and if this continues I will report it. It literally went down like a lead balloon. She guilt tripped me and went she doesn’t want this to come between our bond. I wasn’t having any of it and I did go in hard on her but this girls issues are not mine to worry about, my daughter is my only concern. She’s very streetwise but she just can’t see it from my point of view.

Echoing others up thread... You really have no idea just HOW OLD /gender of this person is...

Maybe chat through with NSPCC - you can do this anonymously... They'll be bang up to date with online abusive relationships

I'd be coming down hard in this... Acknowledging her feelings but also your role to protect her..

No I’ve not watched any of them. I will look into them. The dad messaged her on Snapchat. I don’t have snap chat and wouldn’t have a clue how it works. I asked her for the dads number as I want to message him she said snap chat aren’t phone numbers.

Your daughter is not in love with this person she's never met. You are right to remove her phone and put a stop to this. She could easily be being catfished, she has no way of knowing if this person is who she says she is! I'd definitely try and speak to this girl's father and express how concerned you are about the toxic nature of this relationship.

If this is a dodgy older man catfishing, then the "Dad" could actually be him.

Sounds like the storyline of Sweet Bobby on Netflix

Remove the phone. Your house, your rules. She doesn't know this person at all.

Are you sure this girl is who she says she is? This is giving massive red flags to me,
especially with the 'dad' texting her.

Yeah that wasn't her dad you know. Have they actually FaceTimed or video messaged? Have you seen her? Has your dd sent nudes?

This ‘relationship’ is massively concerning. Is there any concrete proof that the girlfriend is actually a 16 year old girl? You need to make your DD aware firstly that this isn’t how relationships should be conducted - the girlfriend is a stranger, and secondly that she is emotionally abusive and controlling. Your DD is only 14 and what she learns now about healthy relationships will be really important in keeping her safe in the future. Please intervene to protect her.

God I feel so stupid. I knew she was messaging her towards the end of the summer and I don’t know if they’ve FaceTimed but they have spoke on the phone. The girl has actually tried making contact with me about 3 weeks ago on Instagram via message just said hello. If she wasn’t a real person would she still do that and message me? I’m so shit with social media. I know this girl follows all my DD friends on social media. My DD showed me her instagram profile and it’s just photos of a normal looking teenage girl. No family photos just photos of herself.
the texts are intense from her today to my DD saying why don’t I like her and why have I blocked her.

She IS real person, just not necessarily who she’s claiming to be. And yes, she might be bold enough to contact you. But why don’t you talk to her and get her to meet you. If she is who she says she is she’ll agree. Force the situation.

This is way to much for a child to be dealing with. The gf sounds very controlling. I would get her a new sim card for her phone, so this person cannot get hold of her, also block her on all social media. Take away her phone at night....you need to get rid of this person, she sounds very unstable to me and, quite dangerous. You are the parent, you need to put your foot down, otherwise this could develop into something quite nasty.
Good luck

General comment but please please get yourself up to speed on the social media your daughter uses and don't let her access anything that you don't know how to use. You are her first line of defence online.

I didn’t want to meet her as I’m trying to stop my DD from messaging her 100’s of times a day and I’ve told her it stops and stops today and I’ve gone in really hard on my DD tonight. I said to my DD if it doesn’t stop I will then message this this girl to tell her to back off.
i am going to go and ask DD if they have FaceTimed etc and see if I can get more information about the dad.