AIBU to stop DD contact with GF

[jcsc]

DD is 14 year 10 at school. She has a gf whose 16 and in college, this is the hard bit for me, they’ve never met but just spoke on the phone and via text/social media for the last 3 months. They met via mutual friends in a group chat. Blown up last 24 hours as GF is controlling imo and my DD close friends opinion. GF makes her sneak into toilets (no phones allowed at school) to text back or gets angry. Wants to know where she is, who she is with and you can’t leave a message ‘on read’ and not reply or she hounds her. Makes her stay awake as long as possible texting sometimes until 3-4am. She apparently has come out of a toxic relationship and tried to kill herself last year . Gf dad also messaged my daughter asking if she was ok and that they all love her, I found out yesterday after the girls had a bust up and GF was controlling.I am raging that some girls dad is messaging my DD who I’ve never met. Instant red flags. My DD says sorry all the time when she’s not done anything wrong and that I’m not understanding and she’s in love with her. I can’t quite understand how’s she in love with her and that these next years of her life are so massively important that I want her to stop all contact. I’ve stated I won’t allow them to meet (gf lives about 45 mins away from us) and if this carries on I will text the gf myself and remove my DD phone. I’m now the worst mum on the planet that doesn’t understand her feelings or the love she has for this girl and she now hates me kicking me out of her bedroom with a slammed door behind me. Tried to explain it’s my job as her mum to protect her and I think this is a toxic phone relationship that my DD is infatuated with and it’s now spiralling out of control. She’s stopped messaging her friends, hardly comes out of her room, isn’t doing her homework and just isn’t her normal self.
AIBU for saying stop contact or should I let her continue

I'd be taking a strong friend around to knock of the Dad's door and request that he not contact your young daughter again.

I would also insist on meeting the gf. Invite her to a meal and say in front of daughter that due to your daughter not doing her homework (and you want her to be able to attend college) you will be changing the terms of her phone use. Restrict her from using her phone after 7:00 pm and take it off her altogether if she doesn't keep up with her home work.
Speak to the school about her having her phone put in a locker until home time.

The gf should be caringabout the educationaloutcomes of your daughter if she really is her friend - and I would challenge her on that - in front of your daughter, while she is visiting.

Take her phone away for a start. She doesn't know how to use it safely and can't be trusted to do so, so she loses it. Come on op, parent your child.

You're daughter's GF is some dodgy bloke. Take the phone.

Even if that's not the case she is far too young to be having this type with anyone.

I would also insist on meeting the gf. Invite her to a meal and say in friont of daughter that due to your daughter not doing her homework (and you want her to be able to attend college) you will be changing the terms of her phone use.

This is laughable really. Op doesn't need to do any of that. Take this person out to a meal and give her an explanation 🤣. Are you serious. Op doesn't need to explain to anyone, let alone another child how she parents her child.

Fgs there is no gf. This child is being groomed by paedophiles

The only thing the OP needs to be doing is going to the police.

who pays the bill? If its you, tell her you will close the account down if she doesn't produce the phone RIGHT NOW.

Your child needs a strong clear message from you and her dad that a girlfriend (or boyfriend or partner or spouse) should never seek to control or coerce her into anything. That is not love, it's abuse. Your daughter is very young, she needs your guidance and clear boundaries. She won't like it, but it's an important life lesson. At best, this girlfriend is genuine, but disturbed and your daughter doesn't need that at just 14. At worst, the girlfriend is someone else entirely and your daughter doesn't need that either.

Yeah enough with all the ffs and fgs on the thread.

Not everyone on these threads is mired in the muck of how online grooming works in practice. Well done you got having your head round it. People are trying to help and support op and often from a position of still trying to grapple with it all - as is op - because it isn’t intuitive to everyone. You can explain things politely even if you feel expertly qualified in the realm.

Well I’m sorry but if you’ve got a teenager you should be “mired in the muck” of it. You should be digitally literate, you should be aware of the platforms your children are using, the content they are accessing and who they are speaking to. A failure to understand these things is frankly negligent. Would you let your child to go out and run about in the road?

And this thread serves as a staggering cautionary tale as to why parents need to take the time to educate themselves, there’s plenty of resources out there which have been linked in this thread.

There's a high probability this is a groomer pretending to be young person with a fake instagram account.

'The dad' messaging her makes it sound even more suspicious.

Thank you all for your posts and replies. The phone is off her. I’m going to contact the dad direct to tell him to leave my daughter alone. I’m going to call non emergency police line for advice
I have an older son at university whose coming home tomorrow to help me navigate the world of social media so I can monitor what’s going on in the future with DD and my other children who are too young to have social media at the moment.
I am naive to this online world and I shouldn’t have been so thanks to you all that have pointed this out. I will speak with the school when half term is over. I will also speak with her friends that I know very well. I’ve tried to speak with my daughter this morning and she currently hates me.

Well not all of us do have teens and clicking on this thread might be for many a step in that process of educating themselves. For many people it’s a pretty repellent topic and pretty alien to how they live themselves.

Also, op is trying to do something about the situation. She has reached out on here for guidance and I’m not sure the whole “ omg: you’re all so dumb” is as constructive a response as it could be. Clearly the situation has unravelled on her. I think she grasps that. These are new issues that, if she is in her forties, like many of us we didn’t grow up with having (mercifully) skipped the weird and pitfall-ridden world of virtual relationships.

Have you got the family centre on her Snapchat? Also make sure her sensitive filter is on and location is turned off. I check on this who my child talks to (it lists friends and communications but not conversation's). You can report and block users on this.

I do think your daughter sounds at risk given how she has been using social media. You're not alone but I would ask NSPCC for advice. I would remove her phone for the moment until you have some advice.

If she needs a phone for communication with you I would delete snap chat for the moment (she doesn't need it to speak to you). She won't be happy about it.

If she has an I phone it has a parent control application for children. If it's Google you can use family link beyond age 13 to block apps, put time limits (so she isn't using her phone until 3am). I take my children's phones at night and charge them so they don't have the distractions. I also put time limits on apps with the family link and Apple family control. It's hard if you don't use technology but do you have a friend that can help?

I do think a lot of red flags are showing but these are things you can do right now while you wait for advice.

Take care.

Sorry I was typing while you wrote this. Good news you have taken these steps. Im sure in time your daughter will understand you have done these things to protect her.

I would in your shoes not contact the Dad. I would be tempted to set up a new contact number. Hopefully this will all fizzle out and in time your daughter will realise how oppressive the virtual relationship was.

I really disagree with the idea that these are new issues. I’m in my early 30s and we were being warned about digital grooming 20 years ago. The OP says herself that she doesn’t use social media because it’s “full of hate” and yet has allowed her DD unrestricted access to digest it all.

Theres enough understanding to know that there’s harmful content there but no attempts to protect her DD from it.

Just remember, she may hate you right now but you have her best interests at heart and it's not forever! Big hugs xx

You’ve done the right things OP as hard as they might be.

Sometimes, we have to save our kids from themselves.

I hope the police will help giving you clarity.

You are a great mum, and being a great mum sometimes results in our kids hating us for a bit. Thats the cross we bear to ensure they grow up safe and happy.

https://parents.actionforchildren.org.uk/home-family-life/technology/checking-tracking-your-childs-phone/?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwsoe5BhDiARIsAOXVoUv9ZqE-i-Gs2U-5d_X9EtEQMSRn2MzSCa8Px5SfMksIvodWWabGVaMaAoN0EALw_wcB

https://parents.actionforchildren.org.uk/home-family-life/technology/keep-teenager-safe-online/?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwsoe5BhDiARIsAOXVoUt2s84yTqJsX_nWh6stbebSzyPJDIgCHq_pNOszxde3PRuwODC7GUwaAn1qEALw_wcB

Well done OP. Definitely get clued up on the online world ASAP as it's absolutely terrifying what goes on. And yes, do speak to the police for advice as if anything, there may be other parents who have reported this kind of situation/this individual. That's how that recent sick individual in the news was caught.

Even if this GF is real, there are so many red flags about her behaviour towards your DD, who is a child. And FFS, why is the "dad" telling a 14 year old child he's never met that "they all love her"?!! Dodgy as hell!

Your daughter may hate you know but better that than her continuing to be, at best, in a controlling fantasy of a relationship, and at worst, groomed by some sick nasty individuals. Keep talking to her and, if you can and she'll listen (maybe her older brother could help here), educate her as well as yourself about the online world.

she currently hates me.
Then you are doing a good job!
OP I know you may be feeling a bit piled on which is not helping you in your current circs but hopefully the advice has helped you and will be a wake up call to other parents reading this. You have had the courage and good sense to shout out for help.

Well done @jcsc you are taking practical, positive steps to improve the situation. It will really help if your DD’s friends are on board with what you are doing as they won’t want to facilitate contact with the GF by lending/buying devices/phones or passing on messages. Definitely sensible to get your sons support with understanding the tech side of things and ensuring the school are aware - they might be inclined to focus some lessons/assemblies on healthy relationships and online safety.

Your daughter doesn’t actually hate you, she just thinks she does because you are standing in the way of what to her is a real relationship with a person she believes she loves. Her feelings are real to her so don’t try to minimise that, it will only make her angrier. Tell her that you understand her feelings but that your job is to protect her and from an adult perspective this is an unhealthy relationship for anyone to be in, regardless of age. Don’t make your shutting down of the relationship focused on her age, she needs to know this type of abusive situation is unacceptable at any stage of life. The fact she’s too young for such an intense relationship is not something she will likely acknowledge but you may be able to get her to view the behaviour as toxic once she’s calmed down a bit. Only once she has accepted this relationship is over and is abusive would I address the issue of age appropriate relationships.

There is a tendency to be more flippant (by everyone, not you specifically) about same sex relationships between teenage girls as there appears to be less danger (eg pregnancy) but this is a mistake as abuse and toxicity can be present in any age/gender relationship. Emotions run deep at this age and it is so easy for a young person to be coerced/pressured into doing all sorts of things because their brains aren’t fully formed yet and are poor at risk assessing and thinking through long term outcomes.

YANBU!!

This is not a 16 year old girl. This is a catfish. Why would a 16 year old girl (who would obviously be in school) get angry at your DD for not texting her AT SCHOOL?

Major red flag

Well done, but I really don't think you should contact the 'dad' just yet.

Wait and get police advice first

I agree, please do not contact the dad.

Contact CEOP
https://www.ceop.police.uk/ceop-reporting/