AIBU to stop DD contact with GF

[jcsc]

DD is 14 year 10 at school. She has a gf whose 16 and in college, this is the hard bit for me, they’ve never met but just spoke on the phone and via text/social media for the last 3 months. They met via mutual friends in a group chat. Blown up last 24 hours as GF is controlling imo and my DD close friends opinion. GF makes her sneak into toilets (no phones allowed at school) to text back or gets angry. Wants to know where she is, who she is with and you can’t leave a message ‘on read’ and not reply or she hounds her. Makes her stay awake as long as possible texting sometimes until 3-4am. She apparently has come out of a toxic relationship and tried to kill herself last year . Gf dad also messaged my daughter asking if she was ok and that they all love her, I found out yesterday after the girls had a bust up and GF was controlling.I am raging that some girls dad is messaging my DD who I’ve never met. Instant red flags. My DD says sorry all the time when she’s not done anything wrong and that I’m not understanding and she’s in love with her. I can’t quite understand how’s she in love with her and that these next years of her life are so massively important that I want her to stop all contact. I’ve stated I won’t allow them to meet (gf lives about 45 mins away from us) and if this carries on I will text the gf myself and remove my DD phone. I’m now the worst mum on the planet that doesn’t understand her feelings or the love she has for this girl and she now hates me kicking me out of her bedroom with a slammed door behind me. Tried to explain it’s my job as her mum to protect her and I think this is a toxic phone relationship that my DD is infatuated with and it’s now spiralling out of control. She’s stopped messaging her friends, hardly comes out of her room, isn’t doing her homework and just isn’t her normal self.
AIBU for saying stop contact or should I let her continue

I'd also be putting a block on the sim.

Do you know if your DD knows her address or the other way around? I'd be worried about her running away to the GF

Do the mutual friends she met her through actually know this girl in real life? Also that message from the dad is very likely from the girl herself.

This sounds all very sus to me. I reckon this is not a 16 year old girl why the hell would her dad Snapchat a 14 year old?? That's really weird. Take the phone off her. That's what I'd be doing and blocking deleting the girl and as someone said google reverse her pics and see if they are really her. I know your in a difficult situation but she's really picking on your daughters 14 year old vulnerability xxx

Do you work @jcsc ? Do you have younger colleagues who could teach you how to use Snapchat and Insta so you can keep up with your DD? And any others she might be using

You need to know how these apps work

I'm sorry if this upsets you OP, but I wouldn't believe that your daughter has seen this supposed 16 year old on facetime. She is upset right now and might well be less than forthcoming with the truth to try and get you to relent.

Don't.

This sounds like a man posing as a teen. I hope I'm wrong.

I would talk to her school and explain the situation. Maybe they could talk some sense into her. Especially if there is an abusive, controlling aspect to the relationship.

Hi OP, i work with teenage girls.

my advice for the immediate is to regulate yourself. There is no immediate danger to her safety.

you and your daughter in this moment tonight are both dysregulated and panicking about a perceived future that may or may not happen. Your fear that she will be hurt by someone who exploits or manipulates her. She also fears that she will be hurt but by losing someone she thinks she loves and losing the connection, belonging or whatever she thinks she's getting out of it. Your fears may make more sense to us adults but her fear is huge to her and overwhelming her capacity for rational thought.

right now she is safe in her room. Distress, panic and calm are all contagious - choose contagious calm.

your daughter is correct that you don't understand her feelings, tell her that and that you want to understand.

these are two teenage girls, one who is mentally unwell and one who thinks her mum doesn't want understand.

if possible, get the parents and girls together to facilitate the relationship in the safest way possible while getting your daughter into counseling and getting some psycho education on manipulative or codependent relationships.

it is paramount that your daughter sees you as someone who she can go to and will try to understand when things are scary. With kindness, this extreme reaction is showing you can't provide a safe space for her to tell you her feelings.

it is normal and understandable to worry for her safety but you must also provide emotional safety in her relationship with you and for her to express her feelings no matter how scary they are.

She is probably dying for a grown up to take charge and put some boundaries around this but a panicked, non-listening grown up can't do that.

This is dangerous drivel.

You have no idea that she is safe in her room.

The very best case scenario she is in a coercive and controlling abusive relationship illegally with someone older.

At worst she is being catfished

https://news.sky.com/story/online-predator-whose-catfish-abuse-drove-american-father-and-daughter-to-take-their-own-lives-jailed-13240243

I am not advocating for her to be unsupervised or not checked in on, or eveb to have her phone at all.

apologies if i was unclear - there is need for understanding AND for strong boundaries, it doesn't have to be one or the other.

the above story is a possibility yes but we are not at that stage yet, op's daughter is still in her home and willing to talk to her - this may change by telling the daughter that the girl she thinks she loves is a predator and will fortify the narrative that 'your mum doesn't want us to be together'

This is definitely a very risky situation and there is need for caution and risk mitigation. Panic and catastrophising will not help and never does.

another trusted adult may be good to mediate between you

Look up what happened to Breck Bednar, OP. Get your daughter into solme
counselling and make sure she understands control and abusive relationships.

You neee to get that phone ASAP

I would remove the phone at night.If she can get good sleep that will help. Maybe let her have the phone 4-10pm daily.

Are you sure this is a girl she’s talking to and not a random middle aged man?

This is exactly what I think is happening.

the only trusted adult who needs to be involved in this is the police.

There is no way this girl is who she says she is. Go and watch for love or money on iPlayer, even FaceTime can be manipulated.

OP you need to remove her phone and go to the police. None of this softly softly stuff, internet communication moves far too quickly for that. There’s time for calm discussion after this scam has been shut down. I am willing to bet my house that this is a cat fishing scam.

You need to also make the school aware because she’s likely not the only one involved.

But this stops now. You of course can tell her that you know that her feelings are real, but that the relationship isn’t.

And then you need to take the phone to the police. They have ways of retrieving deleted data.

Unfortunately it’s likely this individual isn’t in the UK, although it is still possible given it’s a paedophile rather than a romance scammer.

I think you have two issues - the possibility that it is all fake/catfishing etc but also the possibility it is real and a potentially abusive relationship.
TBH i think the second one scares me more.
I think for both can you just share with her what your concerns are and what the risks are. I think there are resources to help - i do recall Breck Beldners mother instigating on line training on risks?

On controlling relationships i'm not sure - for me its about explaining what a good relationship looks like and the contrast and sharing experiences so she knows you aren't just reacting iirationally/treating her like a child.
I have seen some guidance (no idea what its like) (i'm in Australia_
Love Bites - NAPCAN

You don't need to use all that shit, OP, it's toxic. Just don't let your DD use either. You'll be doing her a favour.

I think the fact the “dad” has been texting her rules this out as being real as opposed to a scam.

I mean there is a part of me that would want to take her phone, take over the chats and arrange a meeting and then show up with a video camera for evidence. And if the girl turned out to be real I’d be telling her you came to tell her it’s over.

The time for discussions about coercive relationships has to come after it’s been stamped on. It’s gone too far and she’s too involved to hope she will realise in time.

I agree with what you’re saying. Calm is required now and an action plan. Op knows this girl very likely is who she says she is as the girls have FaceTimed and the gf is part of a wider friendship group.

It does sound as if she’s mentally unwell and a relationship with a mentally unwell person is tough even without the age difference, which if there are 2 school years between them is huge. It doesn’t sound as if this relationship can be healthy so at 14 I would be trying to reduce or cut contact, putting up big boundaries at the very least.

And I say that despite being the mother of a mentally unwell teen (also 16, year 12) myself, I would not be acting like this father is. However, seeing it from his pov he is panicking and thinking that if his dd is happy, she won’t try to take her life again.

I wouldn’t be engaging with the father despite feeling very tempted. If his boundaries are so poor that he contacts a 14 year old, you’re not going to get him to see things from your perspective.

I don’t use social media I find it very negative and full of hate. I have Instagram but rarely use that.

But it’s just hunky dory for your daughter to use it all? 🤦‍♀️ You really need to step up. Remove phone until you’ve had time to educate yourself, add protections to phone, and no tech in bedroom after 9pm.

She sounds very unbalanced with no boundaries and your DD is only 14 - that’s so young for all of this. I would be blunt with your DD - share how concerning the behaviour is and why that sort of behaviour can get out of control. Explain how people get into abusive and controlling relationships without realising it. Also that this girl sounds a bit unhinged, unstable and someone who falls passionately and quickly in love. This girl is doing a number on your daughter - even involving her parents to get influence when control. I’d do a number back, it’s your child, don’t apologise for protecting her.

I don’t envy you being in this situation it is very difficult and a serious problem. She may or may not be being catfished but one thing about this situation is that she is always available to this person while she has her phone. When I was young, if you were being bullied at school when you went home you couldn’t be bullied by that person when you were safely in your bedroom. Now kids can potentially be bullied 24 hours a day - wherever they have that phone.

Your daughter has become so drawn into the messages that she can’t escape. There can even be a bit of an addiction to receiving the messages. I would calmly suggest that your DD is not allowed to use the phone for 2 weeks and if after that time she still wants to continue the relationship that they meet.

You need to give her space to break the cycle and be able to stand back and see what has been happening.

Lots of people advocating for the 'stamp it out' approach here - the problem with that is that it may solve the immediate problem, but OP's DD won't stay 14 for long. At that age, I'd have reacted to drastic action by biding my time until it all died down and then finding a way to reinstate contact with the GF. And if they are a catfish, they'll welcome it. Agree with the posters who say that the key to this is getting DD to recognise the issues for herself and make her own decision to step back, and agree with @OrangeRhymesWith that this needs de-escalating so that DD doesn't feel OP is against the relationship and tunes everything else out.

Does school have a pastoral support team? I would contact them or the safeguarding lead and ask for some help and support. If school are aware she’s sneaking off to use her phone in lessons they can monitor this and maybe your dd will respond better to talking to a different adult

i would also call the police for advice as it does sound like catfishing to me

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - young people should not be on social media til at least 16 (and even then it’s frankly toxic and nasty AF for a lot of young girls). And no smartphone til at least 14, ideally older
https://smartphonefreechildhood.co.uk