AIBU to stop DD contact with GF

[jcsc]

DD is 14 year 10 at school. She has a gf whose 16 and in college, this is the hard bit for me, they’ve never met but just spoke on the phone and via text/social media for the last 3 months. They met via mutual friends in a group chat. Blown up last 24 hours as GF is controlling imo and my DD close friends opinion. GF makes her sneak into toilets (no phones allowed at school) to text back or gets angry. Wants to know where she is, who she is with and you can’t leave a message ‘on read’ and not reply or she hounds her. Makes her stay awake as long as possible texting sometimes until 3-4am. She apparently has come out of a toxic relationship and tried to kill herself last year . Gf dad also messaged my daughter asking if she was ok and that they all love her, I found out yesterday after the girls had a bust up and GF was controlling.I am raging that some girls dad is messaging my DD who I’ve never met. Instant red flags. My DD says sorry all the time when she’s not done anything wrong and that I’m not understanding and she’s in love with her. I can’t quite understand how’s she in love with her and that these next years of her life are so massively important that I want her to stop all contact. I’ve stated I won’t allow them to meet (gf lives about 45 mins away from us) and if this carries on I will text the gf myself and remove my DD phone. I’m now the worst mum on the planet that doesn’t understand her feelings or the love she has for this girl and she now hates me kicking me out of her bedroom with a slammed door behind me. Tried to explain it’s my job as her mum to protect her and I think this is a toxic phone relationship that my DD is infatuated with and it’s now spiralling out of control. She’s stopped messaging her friends, hardly comes out of her room, isn’t doing her homework and just isn’t her normal self.
AIBU for saying stop contact or should I let her continue

Sorry not RTFT, but she's being cat-fished. The dad won't be the dad, it'll be the GF.

Watch sweet Bobby on Netflix. Seriously these are cat-fishing tactics.

You don't even know if this girl is for real? Could be a man!!

I also agree that the GF is posing as the dad, to apply more pressure to your DD. Even if she does turn out to be a real teen, the gaslighting, coercion and toxicity is appalling.

PS don't cry OP get fucking angry and report to the police

I had a relationship a bit like this as a teenager. I was 15, he was 20, he lived at the other end of the country and we met online. He was controlling, jealous, isolated me from friends and family, and sexually abusive when we started to meet in person. My parents didn’t want to push me away and let me see him and continue the relationship- we were together for 3 years.

I’ve talked about it with my parents since and I get why they didn’t cut it off but god, I wish they had. I would have raged exactly like your daughter but it would have been the right thing.

Whatever you do, let her know that you love her and support her, you’re not angry and she hasn’t done anything wrong, but you want her to have healthy relationships one day and this isn’t it, and it’s your job to protect her. The last thing you want to do is heap anymore shame and guilt on her as I suspect she will be getting enough of that from the girlfriend

A friend went through similar and stopped contact but her DD was .escaping using old devices and on xbox live, it was like an addiction and hellush for a while but its over now and DD thanks her mum, admitting she had not been herself during that time

Echoing the 'they've NEVER met!' Posters.
Who is in the friendship group on what's app chat? How did it start and have any of them met in real life?

I don't know if someone has already mentioned it, but contact the safe-guarding team at school and also report to CEOP (Child Exploitation and Online Protection), which is a police run service, but reports made to CEOP will always be investigated. The link is https://www.ceop.police.uk/Safety-Centre/

Do not under any circumstances arrange to meet this "girl" yourself. You are an adult and she is a minor. If she's abusively inclined, she's also likely to be the type to make false allegations, which could land you in all sorts of problems.

I wouldn't automatically believe your DD when she says they have face timed and she saw her and her dad, she might have BUT she could very easily be telling you what she thinks you want to hear so you'll let this continue.

I don't think it's actually her dad messaging your DD either, it'll probably be one of many fake accounts this girl has to try manipulate and apply pressure to your daughter.

The fact that she/whoever this is, is actively seeking out you/your DH to contact as a way to get to your daughter, regardless of the rest, would make me feel really uncomfortable about this relationship.

You need to dig deeper - who from your DD's friendship group has actually met this girl - in person? I'd want to see proof that this girl is who she says she is, facetime call etc and even if she is who she says she is - you need to gently find a way to make this all go away because no relationship should be that toxic, especially one children are in...before they have even met ffs.

that's weird because you can't see on instagram if someone has just viewed your profile. Maybe you clicked on something.

Right, you need to get DD and DH in the car and drive this 45 minutes and see just who these fxxkers are!

It feels weird the dad is involved, I would be so worried it's him not a girl, but who knows. Your DD has been taken over by the moonies bless her with this and it is going to have to be stopped, one way or the other. So sorry :( xxx

Contact police

If it was me I would contact the 'dad' and say this is creepy as hell and he and his 'daughter' need to back the fuck off and stop grooming a child or you'll give their details to the police.

I had some similar when I was younger. My mum found and out and hit the roof and shamed me. I felt so embarrassed and shameful. I get why she reacted the way she did but I wish she sat me down and spoke to me calmly about why these were bad choices and educated me. So I felt she was in my side.

I know you said your daughter is infatuated with this person but like others have said discuss and show her what catfishing is, what love bombing is etc

Definitely discuss with the school so they can be aware of her phone use at school if they're allowed them there & her wellbeing. And NSPCC for advise like others have suggested.

Don't feel bad OP, it's so hard now a days with all the different ways people can communicate. Familiarise yourself with all the different social media channels but also messaging channels, not just Whatsapp (hidden messages too) but Signal as well.

This could literally be some random 60 year old dude (her dad?) posing as a teenager to groom your dd. If anything else, if it’s real, it’s really unhealthy enmeshed family dynamic that your dd shouldn’t be touching with a barge poll. Dh would never in a million years message one of dd’s friends and nor would I, certainly not to track down where they are, that’s very creepy and unsafe. Phone needs to go and I would consider logging harassment with the police if it continues. If this isn’t a real girl, my guess is this person is involved in grooming other children too.

Take away her phone. no snapchat till she is older. Contact the police. A young lady in the States killed herself after being catfished and sexually exploited. Show your daughter the article about it in the BBC and explain you are very concerned for her safety. It was like stopping her from running in the street when she was little. Also contact your DD’s school because other girls could be targets.
www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cm2yj24xge1o

Could you explain to your dd that this girl is extremely unwell and her being at her beck and call and getting her to stay awake till all hours is not helping this girl to live with reality

That her expecting dd to be constantly at her disposal is doing this girl more harm than good and just feeding her paranoia and unrealistic expectations.
if a relationship is going to survive then people have to live their own lives, go to work, go to school etc and getting angry because someone who is in school (which she should know) isn’t texting her back immediately is a symptom of how ill she really is.

The phone needs to be removed overnight, say from 10pm. The GF needs to be told that she is out of contact after that time.

Advise the school, so they can keep an eye on her, and they can check the toilets etc.

Ring 101 and log it. If the person is a known offender then they can do something about it.

Your DD is only 14. She needs you to protect her whether she likes it or not.

When it all calms down a bit, talk to DD about what a healthy relationship looks like.

Also, talking to somebody for 3 months and never meeting them, does not make them her GF. It could be anybody and she really needs lessons on internet safety.

Not all catfishers are men. She could equally be a disturbed young adult woman. It absolutely happens. I would be deeply suspicious of this relationship.

100% good advice.

I disagree re showing her literature on catfishing as a way to show her what she’s involved in. She’s not going to want to hear it.

You are the parent. She is a child. You need to remove her phone and then tell her why.

Too many parents are afraid to act for fear of what might happen if they do. Perhaps think about what will happen if you don’t.

Well one plus op is that the dad has barged stepped in, which imo opens the field up for you to step in as well without any grief from any of them.

Im so sorry you are going through this as it incorporates many parenting challenges that are entirely new to this generation.

What had me baffled was the dads comment ( if I’ve read this right?!) that they “ all” love DD?! How could he possibly? Surely dd can see how empty that is. The only thing I can really conclude is that he is grateful to DD that she is being used as some kind of crutch for his own DD’s mh issues. And put like that, of course you have to step in. You don’t want dd carrying that responsibility.

The dad isn’t real FFS how can you be so naive to not see this is grooming and all these social media accounts are fake.

Oh! I really am that naive! I eschew much of this online relationship business and thankfully my Dc are too young.

Please don’t be so rude though.

Thanks yes both these posts are what I mean.

i actually agree that teens should not have unsupervised access to social media, my own are not allowed their phones or any devices outside communal areas of the house but in this case the time for that has passed.

if this is a groomer, they will have said that 'your parents won't understand, don't tell them anything etc etc' and you prove them right. Unfortunately the length of time you've let it go on for means that a level of trust may have been built up and they might try and persuade your dd to meet them saying 'they'll never let us be together you'll have to leave'

Being non-confrontational will do two things 1. Disprove their predictions anbout you and may give dd pause for thought 2. Make the groomer run scared and stop contacting, they stay away from protective, understanding calm parent-child relationships because there are no vulnerabilities to exploit. In the meantime, calmly check with police the process and report when you see fit.

if it's not a groomer and her story is true then the same advice to de-escalate rather than confront stands. It's gone on for 3 months which is ages in teen world, she does not have the skills to end any relationship without support. Unfortunately OP she has been left to navigate a very complex dynamic by herself for too long, she will need help navigating the end of it but you will have to be beside her while she realises that rather than dictating it. Relationships like this, based on drama and secrecy die when all out on the open with boring reasonable parents are around.

Apologise for calling the idea of her being in love stupid. It's stupid to us adults but it isn't to a 14 year old. You need to build the bridge back in order to have a calmer more eye opening conversation with her. Tell her that you love her and that you are concerned about her well being. Call a domestic abuse organisation and NSPCC (or equivalent if not in UK) and get advice.

I would have real concerns this could be a catfish type of case. There was a peadophile sentenced in the last few weeks who was getting children to send photos of themselves and abusing siblings/pets and blackmailing them to the point a child took her own life. You need to tread carefully here.

She's 14, a child wth is this girlfriend nonsense. Why are you allowing this?? She is a child, not an adult having relationships.

Your house, your rules, if she doesn't like it she can leave. Well that was how we grew up, education first.
Suddenly the big world out there is a scary place and being too big for your boots isn't very cool after all.