AIBU to stop DD contact with GF

[jcsc]

DD is 14 year 10 at school. She has a gf whose 16 and in college, this is the hard bit for me, they’ve never met but just spoke on the phone and via text/social media for the last 3 months. They met via mutual friends in a group chat. Blown up last 24 hours as GF is controlling imo and my DD close friends opinion. GF makes her sneak into toilets (no phones allowed at school) to text back or gets angry. Wants to know where she is, who she is with and you can’t leave a message ‘on read’ and not reply or she hounds her. Makes her stay awake as long as possible texting sometimes until 3-4am. She apparently has come out of a toxic relationship and tried to kill herself last year . Gf dad also messaged my daughter asking if she was ok and that they all love her, I found out yesterday after the girls had a bust up and GF was controlling.I am raging that some girls dad is messaging my DD who I’ve never met. Instant red flags. My DD says sorry all the time when she’s not done anything wrong and that I’m not understanding and she’s in love with her. I can’t quite understand how’s she in love with her and that these next years of her life are so massively important that I want her to stop all contact. I’ve stated I won’t allow them to meet (gf lives about 45 mins away from us) and if this carries on I will text the gf myself and remove my DD phone. I’m now the worst mum on the planet that doesn’t understand her feelings or the love she has for this girl and she now hates me kicking me out of her bedroom with a slammed door behind me. Tried to explain it’s my job as her mum to protect her and I think this is a toxic phone relationship that my DD is infatuated with and it’s now spiralling out of control. She’s stopped messaging her friends, hardly comes out of her room, isn’t doing her homework and just isn’t her normal self.
AIBU for saying stop contact or should I let her continue

@OrangeRhymesWith makes some excellent points which are much more balanced than many others on this thread.

There are clear and valid concerns but to escalate the already heightened emotions by becoming confrontational and controlling is not going to help the situation.

Daughter is confused and struggling with loyalty, sounds like she has a sense that things aren’t right but is trapped in those feelings of fear obligation and guilt.

OP, listen to understand how she is feeling and support her. Gently tell her your worries / what you’ve noticed and help her put some boundaries in place. She thinks she loves her, and online is where a lot of people build connections and friendships now. It’s really not that unusual to have never met the people you talk to every night. So disbelieving that and undermining it already creates divide. I definitely loved my boyfriend at that age (not in the same way that I love my husband now but love all the same) I also felt that no one understood me, I felt very emotional, insecure, lonely - I was a ‘normal’ teen with no mental health challenges, hormones are awful things!

Do some (separate and very discreet) digging about who this person is. Even if she is real, there is a troubling dynamic with dad here which needs watching.

This is also a good website for parents wanting to help their teenagers navigate tech safely
https://www.papayaparents.com

I think it's weird that the girl's dad messaged your DD on Snapchat. He must be in his late 30s or older and that's old to be using Snapchat. The girl and dad could be the same person.

Google reverse image the photos and see if they belong to someone else. Could you speak to your dd's school and someone could talk to her about abusive relationships and catfishing?

You need phone rules in place. Your dd is only 14. Phone auto shuts off at a set time (9pm), phone is kept downstairs overnight, you have the right to check said phone anytime for any reason (and do check it regularly). You also need girlfriend rules. If it's someone older then you get to meet them. You always know where she's going and what time she's back. You get to meet the parents/ get their number and call before any sleepovers.

Omg you’re actually beyond naive this is ridiculous. How on earth do you have A 14yo but have such a lack of basic internet safety to pass down to her?

The girl isn’t real. More like a 40 year old pedo
The dad isn’t real. He’s a sock puppet social media account made by the 40 year old pedo.

And here you are enabling it.

I really don't think this is good advice - the whole point is she is not safe in her room - she is being bullied and could be manipulated into all sort of things. It's also terrible advice to meet with the family they sound at the very least lacking in boundaries- why would a dad message a 14 year old? Worst case it's a catfish as people have said

www.surrey.police.uk/police-forces/surrey-police/areas/campaigns/campaigns/2018/brecks-last-game-film/

Watch this short film together and research the case. You can get support via this website: www.breckfoundation.org/ourstory

It's very concerning what you mention about the Dad contacting your daughter and appearing in conversations 🚩🚩🚩

@jcsc in the long term, you do need to put in place some conditions for social media use.

My dd1 is 14 too, and I let her get Snapchat at the end of Year 9 but one of the conditions was that she had to join family centre. You need to join too in order to do this. My only friend on it is my DD and I only use it to check her usage. This means that I can see who she's been talking to for the last 7 days and can ask her about any names that I don't recognise.

I would take her phone for now and tell her you need to put some rules in place to get it back. One is joining family centre on Snap, 2 - no phones in the bedroom overnight, 3- Insta account is private and she is friends with you on it so you can see her friends and what she is posting.

I don't agree with a smart phone free existence for teens, it would damage their social lives. But I do think we need to teach them how to use SM and monitor their usage.

Another vote for watching Sweet Bobby on Netflix, even if this isn't a catfish, that relationship was unhealthy too - it is worth watching it with your dd.

This is such a major major issue. Letting your kids run free on social media platforms when you “wouldn’t have a clue how it works.” Taking absolutely zero time to educate yourself on platforms your kids are spending hours on. Taking zero steps to understand how you can protect them. Taking zero interest.

It’s telling that if this “girl” is so controlling and obsessed but yet she hasn’t made the effort to come and see your Dd. “Gf” wants the meeting on “her” own turf. Honestly op, of you’re out of your depth I think it’s time to get professionals in. Start with safeguarding lead at school.

@jcsc

I would absolutely stamp this out. The deal with DD’s phone is we pay for it, so we are ultimately in charge.

I’d take the phone, wait for the meltdown to be over, and when calm - talk this through, and explain exactly why this is a worrying situation, and your DD needs to listen.

The phone is not returned until this is sorted.

The Dad could also be the GF.

This Is a coercive and controlling relationship. If you remove the phone she could borrow a friend’s or run away to see her.

If you can get the phone and see the messages if she is threatening to kill herself or controlling - the police might step in. This is not a healthy relationship.

if possible, get the parents and girls together to facilitate the relationship in the safest way possible.
please do NOT do this!
Very worrying that @OrangeRhymesWith claims to work with teenagers, facilitate an abusive relationship? are you on crack?

I think, instead of telling her she cannot be in contact with this girl, you have to have a discussion about what a healthy relationship should and shouldn't look like. Make it clear that it's not a relationship you have issues with, but someone putting unfair and unrealistic demands on her within a relationship. There are a lot of resources out there about controlling behaviour.

This has been going on for 3 months. The "father" says they all love her. Who is they ?

Sounds very much to me like she is being groomed. The signs are there. This is very common now. Predators target vulnerable young people - she's at the peak target age.The girlfriend could be 16 and be a 'facilitator' or "she" might be an adult male.

You're doing the right thing in intervening. There's a lot of information about grooming and child sexual exploitation online. https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/grooming/ (what parents need to know).

Predators are unscrupulous as hell and know exactly what theyre doing. I would even be inclined at some point to call 101 non emergency just to get advice from police tbh. If the gf has attempted suicide she might be known to social services in which case she's on the books and will have history. You have to rule out the worst case scenario as a priority.....

I think people are misunderstanding what @OrangeRhymesWith is suggesting. My interpretation is that she’s saying dial back the confrontation and be alongside DD helping her work out what’s going on and navigate her way through it.

When DSD was around that age she was struggling at her mums house and behaviour went a bit off the rails, she came to live with us and it became clear that she was being targeted by what I now can see was a grooming gang (at the time this wasn’t on our radar). Rather than coming down heavy on her we talked to her about our concerns and invited these men to come and meet us, they ran a mile and DSD was able to see them for what they were, realised that she could trust us and didn’t have to hide anything from us. It was a turning point in so many ways but could have gone very differently.

It’s actually so frightening that so many of
you are parents and yet can’t see that none of this is real and that this young girl is being groomed.

Yes, even if the girl is real and who she says she is, this sounds like a very unlikely message from a dad.

OP my DD15 is not allowed her phone in her room at night. Especially during term time. It's needs to be charged downstairs.

And yes you need to find out who this person really is.

Personally I would be taking control, trying to FaceTime them or speak to them. If they refuse they aren't who they say they are.

Snapchat is a stalkers dream, your DD should not be adding anyone she doesn't actually know.

I agree. This is exactly how I am interpreting the content of the post from @OrangeRhymesWith. De-escalation rather than confrontation.

My first thought too - there is a strong possibility the 16 year old girl doesn't exist and your DD is being groomed by a paedophile.

And to add, I also think you’ve been hopelessly naive op. My dd is only friends with friends of friends (who everyone knows to be a genuine person and teen) or people (teens) she’s met irl.

I have a slightly different perspective. My DD is a similar age and told us she'd met a boy online, as part of a gaming group. Alarm bells rang immediately, so I suggested they FaceTimed while I was in the room so I could see for myself that he was genuine. He is very much a real teen and seems like a lovely boy. Since then, we've allowed her to continue the friendship but with close supervision. We regularly check in that she's okay and that no pictures etc are being exchanged. They do want to meet – he lives about an hour from us – but I said we'd only facilitate it if I had contact with his parents. We're looking at the Xmas holidays as a possible time – it may well blow out before then. The way I see it, their relationship is no different from when I had pen friends as a teen but because it's being done online we have to be way more vigilant as parents.

OP, at an absolute minimum you should be asking to see this and talk to this girl onscreen yourself to check she's real. Also, take your DD's phone off her at night! Even without all this going on she should have a screen-free room while she's sleeping.