Friend's daughters are so rude

[gabbimg]

A bit of a delicate situation. My best friend has 2 teenager daughters, neither of whom say so much as "thank you" when I send them birthday/Christmas presents. In the past, I would always ask her what the girls would like for presents and friend would give me a few ideas. But in last couple of years I've stopped bothering to ask because I never get a thank you anyway. The girls have quite niche hobbies, so presents were usually centered around those. I'd order from specialist suppliers. It ended up being expensive and totally thankless so I've just started to send them a bit of chocolate and bath sets etc. AIBU to think it's just rude not to say thank you? My own kids are the same age as hers and I've always made sure they either write or message people to say thank you for gifts.

Just don’t send them anything if it upsets you 🤦🏻‍♀️

Yes it is rude imo and I would always remind DD about writing her thank you cards when she was younger. Nowadays she'll usually drop an email or text message and send a card to the older relatives who still appreciate a written thank you.

It's extremely rude. I had the same in my family, cousin's daughter didn't thank me or even mention the voucher I gave her for her 18th. I didn't bother buying her anything else after that. I'd just stop now.

Really really rude. I was caught on the hop and asked to be godparent to my cousin's daughter. Wish I'd declined.
Year in, year out, I posted birthday presents.... I think out of all those years, I got one thank you letter once.
When she reached 18, I spent more and sent a silver necklace to her. I said in the card, I wouldn't be sending any more presents as she was 18 now but wished her luck for the future.
Did I get a thank you for that? Nah

@gabbimg Do you have DCs and does she buy for them? If not, I'd knock it on the head totally.

Say to your friend that you think you should stop gifts for the kids this year - use cost of living etc as an excuse if you need to.

Yes, they should say thank you (presuming you give the gifts in person, if not it's murkier as they might assume their mum said thanks on their behalf). Also assuming they didn't say thank you in receipt of them and you're not expecting a second thank you after opening. But for me gift giving is about seeing the person get something they will love and the happiness on their face. If for you, you get your pleasure from the acknowledgment, just stop doing it.

It's rude but I think it's on the parents to teach them to say thank you for gifts. Teens can be pretty self absorbed left to their own devices.

Yes I think it is the height of bad manners not to say thank you for a gift- even a quick text or phone call would be acceptable.

Never mind chocolates and bath bombs- I wouldn't bother sending them anything, and if your friend asks why- tell her.

I give the younger people in my family one opportunity to say thank you. If none is forthcoming then that's it- I no longer send them cards. One of my nephews is now on this no present list. This year My BiL even sent him a message to check he had received his birthday money as wondered if something was wrong with his bank details and even this didn't seem to warrant a reply. You would have though that at the age of 29 he might have developed a few manners by now...

Just stop the gifts now. They are rude so stop sending them. My 8yo got a gift yesterday from a relative this weekend from someone else who brought it over. The first thing he did was ask if we could make a video of him holding it and saying thank you to send it to the relative. Clearly your friend hasn't taught her kids basic manners so they don't deserve anything.

Yeah, I have 2 daughters of same age as hers. They go to the school together and have always been close. That's why it's a bit tricky. My friend buys for my daughters, she always get thoughtful presents after asking what they'd like. Mine always write or message to say thank you.

My nephew is like this - it's his 30th this year and my DM has basically said she's not bothering to get him anything as you never get so much as a text message of thanks. I was always brought up to send thank you letters, and still do, as was his mother, but it doesn't seem to even register with him that a quick "thank you" might be a good thing to send. I think it's so rude to not even acknowledge a gift, especially if it wasn't given in person.

It's very old fashioned to write thank you notes, you aren't a character in a Jane Austin novel!

I'm a bit cynical about thank you letters. I was made to write them for my DMs relatives who'd send gifts in the post and had to be forced to do it. These were people I'd never met and wouldn't have recognised in a police line up and I found it really awkward writing letters to strangers that I knew nothing about.

As an adult I prefer to say thank you by the usual communication method, in person, text, email etc.

My new username is apt! I bet some of my parents friends thought this about me and I feel bad but I just assumed my parents would have thanked them. I wasn’t in personal contact with them so no opportunity to say thanks. If you’re handing them a present and they just snatch it and open it than that’s definitely not the same thing though!

Yes it's rude but I wouldn't overthink it, just stop sending presents if it bothers you. They will probably barely register it. My children receive gifts from people on their husband's side they never see any will never see; it's kind but absolutely not necessary and they wouldn't mind if it stopped.

For the sake of your friendship with your friend, I would not stop giving gifts in that case. Personally, I would switch to vouchers or money instead so they can get what they want, minimal effort on your part.

Yes rude. We stopped giving as so many in the circle. Never got a thanks anyway over the years. She 27 now.

Awkward.

If it were me, I would knock all presents on the head to the kids. What's the point? At least that way you don't have to get annoyed about the lack of thanks. I remember doing this with friends of mine's DCs. To be able to cut down by Christmas list was wonderful!

Dsis kids are adults now but when they were younger.they were the same..never a thank you..not even when actually saw them f-2-f
So eventually I stopped bothering.

Yeah that is so rude.

I would stop buying them presents entirely. Maybe use the excuse that the girls are all older now if you feel awkward about it, but personally I would be honest and tell her it’s because you never got a thank you if friend did question it.

Actually it isn't. It's good manners and back on trend if you are worried that being polite will make you look old-fashioned.

I don't know.

Teenagers are not very developed mentally.

When I was a teen, if my aunty handed me a birthday present I would say thank you.

However I only saw her about once a month.

if she posted me a present, or handed it to my mum to give to me, the next time I saw her I would have forgotten about it altogether.

I would try and stop the gift exchange now. I wouldn't mention the lack of thanks. I would just say to your friend that as the girls are now all over 13 you want to stop the gift exchange with the kids, so please don't buy for your two this Christmas and you're not going to buy for hers now.

DS has a new GF (young adult) who has only said thank you once in the 10 weeks we've known her. No thank you for all the meals we've paid for (home cooked/out/takeaways) - no thank you for train tickets/event tickets or even lifts. The thanks was for when I picked up something she dropped. It really grates on us so the only solution was to stop, so we have. Not the only red flag but that's for DS to work out 😔

YANBU - it is rude! Doesn't matter how you say thanks - in person, text, note, phone but not doing so at all is rude.

But they haven’t even text. I give to my friends kids, one teen, one pre teen. Ever since they have had a phone they send me a text. It is polite to do so.

People forget though. And sometimes people are stressed too.

My cousin had a new baby, and my aunty bought the baby a present.

All I heard for ages from this aunty was how rude the cousin was for not saying thanks.

However i had visited the cousin. She was suffering badly physcially from some post - birth issue. She was in severe pain. She had to go back into hospital to ger something fixed. I'm sure thank yous were low down on her list at the time.

If I give a present and am thanked at the time I don’t expect a written thank you. If I send a present I think it’s only reasonable to expect a text of some description, partly to say thank you but also so I know it has arrived. My niece’s husband always texts me to say thanks for his. I never hear anything from my niece or kids (teens)!