Friend's daughters are so rude

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A bit of a delicate situation. My best friend has 2 teenager daughters, neither of whom say so much as "thank you" when I send them birthday/Christmas presents. In the past, I would always ask her what the girls would like for presents and friend would give me a few ideas. But in last couple of years I've stopped bothering to ask because I never get a thank you anyway. The girls have quite niche hobbies, so presents were usually centered around those. I'd order from specialist suppliers. It ended up being expensive and totally thankless so I've just started to send them a bit of chocolate and bath sets etc. AIBU to think it's just rude not to say thank you? My own kids are the same age as hers and I've always made sure they either write or message people to say thank you for gifts.

I don't know. My DD is married to an asian guy... their family thank like us.

Which is nice.

You say... why is a thank you so important? It's difficult to explain to you if it means nothing. I personally would hate to think someone went to a lot of trouble thinking and planning a special present for me, and I couldn't even acknowledge their effort by a quick heartfelt thank you.

I think my point is it can be an awkward thing for a teenager to do if they don't usually have contact with said adult. Odds are their parents need to take the lead, say this is their number, don't forget to send a thank you text. I wouldn't expect a teenager to just contact someone that they don't usually.

I think it is very much on the parents. Your friend obviously hasn't instilled it in her children to say thank you for gifts. Teens are still children, they've still got so much to learn about life, they still need nudging and coaching - especially if they've never even been taught to say thank you for gifts in the first place, which it clearly sounds like they haven't.

So, yes, it is rude, but personally I would be raising my eyebrows at my friend's parenting, but I wouldn't necessarily hold it against the children personally.

Very rude!! I wouldn't give anymore.

If the girls say thank you to your face, at the time of giving, that would be polite enough for me.
If you post the gift, a thank you phone call, text, or a personal thanks when next you see them would suffice.

If the girls are not saying thank you at all, I would intervene (in an educational sense) every time by asking if they had received the gift and what they thought of it.
Remind them that you were worried it had not arrived.

A couple of those types of conversations should trigger them into being more well mannered.

If they never, ever instigate a thank you I would ask your friend whether your own girls have thanked her for their gifts from her and ask whether she realises that her kids never remember to send acknowledgement of any type.

There is only a short window left for your friend to have influence over her girls' manners.

^ this

I would be questioning the poor parenting too.

A lack of manners is going to really hold the girls back, what a shame they have been let down like this, it’s hardly their fault. Lazy parenting.

My teenage niece never thanks me, first time I've actually thought about it when reading this post. It doesn't bother me, I don't give gifts for the thanks.

So the reciprocality in the arrangement is your friends gifts to your DDs then, not the DDs thanks for your gifts to them. Yes it's rude that they don't thank you. But this arrangement is actually between you and your friend really, gifting each others DDs as part of your friendship, so I'd just carry on tbh.

YANBU I stopped buying for a friend’s daughter as I never got a verbal or written thank you.

This thread is really eye opening in regards to people's expectations around thank yous for gifts..!

I must admit in my family we don't make a big deal of thanking people for gifts so this has never really occurred to me. When I was a child at Christmas I wouldn't even have any idea who had given what tbh. And even now no one gives me a gift who I don't see regularly so I would just say thank you at the time or the next time I saw them.

Reading these responses is making me feel terrible so I'll make much more of an effort to send a thank you note in future!

I'd cut down your effort with her daughters in that case. If you're not going to get any gratitude, don't waste any more time than necessary. Bung a tenner in a card and don't give it any more thought.

If your friend says anything I'd just say "difficult to know if they liked their previous presents (if you're feeling a bit PA) and at this age they probably would just prefer money anyway now"

Jane Austen? No, however it's polite to find a way to say thank you. I wouldn't mock someone courteous enough to write a thank you card.

Tell your friend what you've told us.
Maybe she's oblivious.

It's incredibly rude, my goddaughter and my niece are two who never thank me for very generous presents (my nephew her brother always thanks beautifully) - niece and nephew on dh's side never thank either. I'm not asking for a letter, a text saying thank you so much would be more than fine, but I don't even get that. My dc always have thanked the parents of these kids straight away with a text or an email. I am going to carry on giving goddaughter presents until 18 and that's it, niece until 25. It leave a very bad taste in my mouth.

I don't blame you. It's so rude.

Doesn't even have to be a thank you card. Once the kids are able to write themselves, they can send a text. My 9 year old DN doesn't have a phone but will, on his birthday, send me a thank you message via his mum's phone.

Writing thank you letters isn't the done thing now

Do they even have your number or is it possible they assume/have asked their mum to pass the thanks on (assuming these aren't given in person)

It's even easier now - a quick WhatsApp message of thanks!
I can't imagine receiving something and not saying thank you, by some means!

I put it to my SIL that I wouldn't be getting my nieces and nephews anything ( after years of zero thank you's) so she need not bother with mine. Oh no, it's Christmas, she said. She would definitely get mine something and hers would be happy with token gifts. None of hers like chocolate apparently and they have sensitive skin so token gifts still require thought.
I bought books previously but one is dyslexic and hates reading and the others have no interest. That was a " thank you but...." from SIL Still it was the first thank you she bothered with.

Last year mine didn't get his gift until April as his present " wasn't ready" when I dropped theirs round. No thank you's again. It's really hard when people don't realise they are being knobs about Christmas.

So a Thank You call. Or text. Or bloody smoke signal

This is the age of instant communication. There is no excuse for bad manners and ingratitude

We have a situation with some relatives of DH whereby they've always been given a tenner in their card and always send a (generic) thank you note.

Haven't actually seen the kids for years though as whenever we've been to their house, the kids don't even bother leaving their rooms to say hello!

DH stopped giving them anything the minute they turned 18 as he couldn't with the rudeness of being ignored!

“Hi Debs, your gifts to the girls are always so lovely and well thought out, I know they’ve told you how much they love them. I’m obvs not as good as you, maybes we should knock the gifting on the head and just put the £’s towards a good day out all together once a year?”
A bit pass-agg but in a tricky situation needs must.
Her girls are fucking rude and it would fester for me every time I sent something from now on 😏

Why?

Just stop.

Or 18 at the latest for both

Or Austen, even

This 💯